Kate Middleton Brutally Kills a Zillion Dumb Baby Weight Loss Articles

Ever since Kate Middleton gave birth to Baby King George this July, tabloid writers have been eagerly sharpening their cattiest claws in preparation for snarking on the Royal's post-baby body. Kate even rhymes with WEIGHT, you guys! And her last name contains the word "TON!" THIS WILL BE THE MEANEST POST-BABY COVERAGE… » 9/23/13 3:25pm 9/23/13 3:25pm

Baby King George's Nursery Will Be 'Africa Themed'

Proud new father Prince William told CNN that he and Kate Middleton's child — the Baby King of England — will spend his helpless infant days in a nursery decorated with the theme of "Africa." It's important to note here that when I say "Africa," I don't mean like all the terrible stuff that the British monarchy has… » 8/22/13 9:30am 8/22/13 9:30am

Celebrity Babies Make the Tabloid World Go 'Round

Once upon a time there were no celebrity tabloids, just people gossiping at the local watering hole, which was literally a hole in the ground with water in it. But then some brilliant person starting carving the likenesses of his friends and neighbors into stone, and the early celebrity weekly was born. It wouldn't be… » 8/12/13 11:30am 8/12/13 11:30am

Kate Middleton's Occupation Listed as "Princess" on Birth Certificate

As of Friday, Britain's Prince George is no longer an undocumented drifter living off the grid, subsisting on secrets and shadows; he's a person with a birth certificate. For whatever reason, the birth certificate was not filled out very neatly, but what are you gonna do? Summer Fridays, everyone's in a hurry. (Here's… » 8/02/13 12:19pm 8/02/13 12:19pm

‘Royal Crier’ Who Announced Baby King's Birth Just a Freelance Weirdo

When that red-faced becostumed gentleman announced the birth of Prince William and Duchess Kate's baby boy by holding a scroll and yelling, I remember thinking, Is this the IRL Wee Willy Winkie? followed by Boy is the monarchy both charming and weird and outdated. Well, folks — I have to issue a thought retraction.… » 7/24/13 9:30pm 7/24/13 9:30pm

Enfants Terribles: Royal Births in History

On a sweltering summer day in Westminster, a royal prince comes bawling into the world. Crowds of city-dwellers gather outside the palace gates, jostling for a glimpse. Rumors and gossip spread. The Royal Family is being tight-lipped, and in the vacuum left by the absence of official information, the newspapers make a… » 7/24/13 4:15pm 7/24/13 4:15pm

This Week in Tabloids: A Creepy Portrait of the Royal Baby as a Teen

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we hit the newsstand and buy the latest issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. Today, Callie Beusman assists as we drink the sweet, nutritious juice supplied by the celebrity weeklies. This week, Serena van der Woodsen placed a hand upon her belly and… » 7/24/13 3:15pm 7/24/13 3:15pm

The Daily Show Will See You Through the Storm of Royal Baby Coverage

The Royal Baby's been born so does this mean we can finally take a break from the endless Royal Birth cable news coverage? Probably not! There's still the whole naming thing to get "excited" about and after that comes a lifetime of scrutiny until the Boy King peacefully lives out his reign or goes mad with power,… » 7/24/13 12:50pm 7/24/13 12:50pm

OK! Can't Even Wait 48 Hours to Start Talking About Kate's Baby Weight

OK! Magazine prepared a story about Kate Middleton's "post-baby weight loss regime" — Kate's trainer says her stomach will "shrink straight back," for those of you who were concerned — before the royal spawn had emerged from her womb. Disgusting, yes, but you're pretty dumb if you're shocked by the preemptive… » 7/24/13 12:00pm 7/24/13 12:00pm

Here's the First Footage of the Royal Baby. Let's Lose Our Shit.…

Here he is. The future King of England and most precious baby in all of the world. "He's got [Kate's] looks, thankfully," Prince William told press outside of Saint Mary's Hospital. The couple, looking very sweet and nervous as new parents, described the birth as "very emotional." They will not be announcing the name… » 7/23/13 2:27pm 7/23/13 2:27pm

Royals Can Stop Pretending They Were Fine with a Girl, Says Tina Brown

Not to be outdone by CNN's totally misunderstood royalty expert correspondent — THIS IS HER CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL! — British science and magazine-ruining expert Tina Brown weighed in on the birth of the royal baby yesterday by praising Kate Middleton on her expert son-producing loins. "Now the royals can stop pretending… » 7/23/13 10:00am 7/23/13 10:00am

Twitter Fulfills Its True Purpose as Celebrities React to Royal Baby

In today's edition of Tweet Beat, everyone loves to make Royal Baby witticisms! In non-Royal news, Kreayshawn and Amanda Bynes are in a fight, which makes perfect sense, Miley Cyrus insists that there is NO lyric in "We Can't Stop" that goes "dancing with molly," and Weird Al purchases his first Warhol » 7/22/13 7:30pm 7/22/13 7:30pm