Hold On to Your Dicks: Every Ridiculous Thing I Saw at the Porn Awards

"Hold on to your DICKS!" yells Dana DeArmond, porn star and red carpet host for the 2015 AVN awards. She's practicing her inflection. "You're about to get blasted!" » 2/02/15 5:15pm 2/02/15 5:15pm

NYPD Wrongly Accuse Mayor's Wife of Wearing Jeans to Cop's Funeral 

Things have been exceedingly tense between New York mayor Bill de Blasio and the New York City Police Department following the shooting deaths of Officers Wenjian Liu and Rafael Ramos. After Liu's funeral Sunday, that controversy extended to de Blasio's wife, Chirlane McCray, who NYPD officers accused of wearing… » 1/08/15 11:50am 1/08/15 11:50am

Female Comedian Cut From Lineup Because TOO MANY WOMEN

Comedian Jenny Collier shared the above email to her Twitter on Friday, inciting a wave of fury (or at least moderate irritation) at the unknown venue owners who had Collier axed from a show because they didn't want too many women on stage in one evening. I don't know if they thought too many women would ruin the… » 3/08/14 4:01pm 3/08/14 4:01pm

Jackass Judge Rules That Baby Can't Be Named 'Messiah'

In yet another case of religion meets stupidity meets power, Tennessee Child Support Magistrate Lu Ann Ballew changed a 7-month-old boy's name to Martin from Messiah, saying the religious name was earned by one person and "that one person is Jesus Christ." » 8/12/13 10:00am 8/12/13 10:00am

I Paid for a Water 'Tasting Flight' Because I'm an Asshole and I Can

James Spader is a regular, the host informs us as we walk to our table. Oh, and Will Ferrell sat right there with his family just yesterday. All lovely people; great tippers. My friend and I slide into the modern red wing chairs in Los Angeles' Ray's & Stark Bar and ask for the water menu. We're here to drink flights… » 8/07/13 11:40am 8/07/13 11:40am

NYC Playground Battle: Bikinis vs. Babies

"When is a playground not a playground?" an exasperated blogger recently philosophized. Answer: when college coeds dare to suntan in it. Stuyvesant Town tenants are outraged that female NYU students with breasts are "occupying" the yard that they pay exorbitant amounts of rent to access. Who will win the baby vs.… » 5/14/13 1:05pm 5/14/13 1:05pm

Principal Protects Star Athlete From Pesky Rape Allegations

In an Onion story literally come to life, a Michigan high school is being sued because the principal allegedly told a teen girl who was sexually assaulted on campus to not report it because it'd ruin her attackers chance of recruitment by a top college team. Yep. » 4/24/13 10:00am 4/24/13 10:00am

Scratch N Sniff Pot Farm Cards Will Help People Find Chill Neighbors

The UK drug-fighting non-profit known as Crimestoppers is sending scratch n sniff pot cards to entire neighborhoods — warning the recipient that if they encounter that particular smell, they need call the Beefeaters poste haste figgy pudding! Or, you know, go over with some snacks, and have a cool party. » 3/20/13 1:35pm 3/20/13 1:35pm

North Carolina Aims to Eradicate Uncovered Boobs

Heads-up, women who enjoy being topless in North Carolina, your (boobs') time (in the warm southern sun) may soon come to an end. A GOP-backed bill is headed to NC's House that would amend the current indecent exposure law to expand the definition of "private parts". Under the new bill, "private parts" explicitly… » 2/17/13 11:30pm 2/17/13 11:30pm

Rupert Murdoch Can Bite My Bulbous Butt: The Healthcare Industry's…

Jowls about town Rupert Murdoch is an 82-year-old media magnate who enjoys owning Fox News, the occasional (ALLEGED!!) phone hacking, and, on a slow day, taking to his mainly boring Twitter account to wax poetic on subjects that confuse him. Unfortunately, yesterday became such a day when the foldy faced wonder boy… » 1/16/13 1:30pm 1/16/13 1:30pm

Someone From Portland Wants to Sell You Shit (From Their Butt), and…

Searching for the perfect gift for that coffee snob in your life? Well, look no further, because you can now buy human shit coffee beans! Previously, if you wanted to buy shit beans, you could only get them from civets and elephants, but fuck that! Now you can buy one-hundred-percent Grade A (?) human feces beans.… » 12/12/12 11:30am 12/12/12 11:30am

Ridiculous New Law Would Permit Churchgoers to Ignore Traffic Lights

Most states let religious believers abstain from laws that "substantially burden" their religious faith, but a new North Dakota ballot initiative would let people get away with some truly ridiculous shit in the name of God. » 6/07/12 5:50pm 6/07/12 5:50pm

Pick the Perfect Neighborhood without Pesky Ethnic Groups Getting in…

Detroit-based startup Picket Report, "a new online research tool that helps homebuyers find their perfect neighborhood," is perfect for those whose idea of the "perfect neighborhood" means no scary poor people. Curbed got some screencaps of the website's "Struggling Societies" feature, which seems to have been… » 4/26/12 5:45pm 4/26/12 5:45pm

Here Is A Male Seahorse Essentially Jizzing 1,800 Tiny Baby Seahorses

Male seahorses are blessed with the miracle of childbirth. You may be surprised to hear that humans don't work the same way, but I am here to impart you with my wisdom. It's a bittersweet moment, though, because this particular male seahorse's lush fertility belies his lifelong dream of being a comedian. :( » 4/21/12 4:00pm 4/21/12 4:00pm

Watch 32 Babies Compete In Diaper Derby Race

This year, 32 babies competed in the third annual phenomenon known as a "Diaper Derby Race." The competition transpires as babies crawl across a 10-foot mat after being lured into loving arms of the adult responsible with toys, electronics, shouting, and cooing noises. How are there not more babies that immediately… » 8/12/11 3:35pm 8/12/11 3:35pm

Dudes Crush Helpless Garments With Man Iron

Do you wish you could iron some stuff, but you can't, because you are a man? Despair no more — the Man Iron is here to solve all of your problems! » 6/28/11 1:20pm 6/28/11 1:20pm

Fearless Journalist Breaks Ground By Reporting From Inside Facebook

Good Morning America raised the bar for morning show reporting today when they sent fearless journalist Yunji de Nies deep into the digital abyss. Let's congratulate this trailblazing, heroic reporter for her work and her ability to gain accesss to the inside of a facebook page. We're living in a real-life Matrix,… » 6/22/11 10:00am 6/22/11 10:00am

NYPD Officer Reprimands Woman For Biking While Sexy

Jasmijn Rijcken, general manager of a Dutch bicycle company, says she was cycling in Manhattan last month when she was pulled over by a police officer for wearing a short skirt. "He said it's very disturbing, and it's distracting the cars and it's dangerous," Rijcken said. "I thought he was joking around but he got… » 6/14/11 9:30am 6/14/11 9:30am

Our Nation's Greatest Enemy: Farting

Want to give your significant other a thoughtful gift that says "you fart a lot?" Try the Better Marriage Blanket, which uses military technology and retails for $119.85! Talk about asymmetric warfare. [Videogum] » 4/30/10 10:20am 4/30/10 10:20am

Miley Cyrus: Liberal Secret Weapon

According to Brian Cherry, "the left is losing the pop culture media war in this country." But they have a nefarious plan! And that plan, ladies and gentlemen, is Miley Cyrus. » 4/20/10 3:20pm 4/20/10 3:20pm