Turns out, God loves premature cynicism, absurdity, crippling insecurity masked in mostly bad jokes, and 12 year old boy humor, and thus yesterday at 6 pm, I was sucked by God's Hoover to heaven, just like that radio charlatan predicted. What he didn't predict, however, is how it really is up here.

Some people think the world is going to end tomorrow. This seems like it would be really scary. So why is the apocalypse so popular?

Most of us are getting a good chuckle out of a fringe cult's claim that tomorrow is Judgment Day. It becomes a lot less amusing when you're mom starts planning for the rapture, and tells you it's too bad you won't be coming with her.

This commercial for After the Rapture Pet Care is kind of tear-jerking, until you realize the pets are just waiting for their owners to get raptured so they can shit in the bathtub and eat all the butter. [Videogum]

Answer: heathens. One man is setting up a network of atheists to adopt pets after their owners are raptured up to Heaven. Says a skeptic: "I don't know if they should necessarily trust atheists to take care of them." [BusinessWeek]