“My every waking hour is to try to stop Donald Trump from being our nominee,” Rand Paul once said of the man he will be voting for in November.

Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.

On this frigid January humpday, ophthalmologist and Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul took to his Facebook to draw an important comparison between Donald Trump and Gollum, the bipolar monster from The Lord of the Rings who coined the term “my precious.” Which, to be fair, sounds a lot like “Make America…

After months of poll numbers collapsing like a once proud but increasingly weary hairdo, Rand Paul was relegated to the “undercard” GOP debate planned for Thursday night, at No One Is Paying Attention O’Clock. He is not going, because this represents the media and the RNC toying with him.

Nothing stokes the fires of Senator Rand Paul’s righteous, curly indignation like socialism, which he thinks is bad, and— this is true— unsexy. But he admits that democratic socialist Bernie Sanders probably won’t go on a killing spree, unlike, say, Stalin. But can... we... be... sure?

Politico had a beautiful and perfect story late Tuesday about preparations for the next Republican debate, taking place Wednesday night in Boulder, Colorado. Every campaign got a “greenroom” to prepare, or, in the case of Chris Christie and Rand Paul, something that looks a lot like a repurposed toilet. Sometimes…

Okay, it’s so annoying how there are like five different Halloween parties I have to go to, and I have to come up for a different costume for all of them, and one of them is all the way over in freaking Iowa but I feel like only a few people are going to show up and Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul will…

On Monday afternoon, Republican presidential candidate and noted privacy advocate Rand Paul announced that he would be live-streaming “an entire day” of campaigning on Tuesday, up through the Democratic debate (burn!). Jezebel managing editor Erin Gloria Ryan thought it would be funny to make me watch it.

On Thursday, Rand Paul discussed his stance on weed, also known as the one position on which he isn’t totally bananas. In a talk, Paul called out Jeb Bush for flagrant rich-kid hypocrisy: namely, the former Florida governor’s admission that he had smoked marijuana while a student at Phillips Academy is exactly why…

It seems like just moments ago that we all endured the first debate among thousands of Republicans who want to be president. And yet somehow, both fall and another debate are upon us, twin reminders of the passage of time, the inevitability of death, and the grim unpleasant duties that consume much of our fleeting…

It’s time. Tomorrow night, at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, ten drunk clowns are going to fight with each other on national television for the chance to make wildly important decisions that affect each and every one of our livelihoods. It is going to be a god damn masterpiece.

Are you ready for it? Are you ready for the next 461 days of being campaigned at by a pack of desperate losers, flop-sweating in their suits, overtaking your TV, your radio, your mailbox, leaning in too close at your local diner or county fair, corndogs clenched awkwardly in their fists, showing all their teeth in a…

The Senate is expected to vote Monday on S. 1881, a bill to “defund Planned Parenthood,” i.e. take away $528 million in federal funding from the non-profit on the strength of some sketchy videos from some sketchy folks. And if they don’t manage to defund PP, GOP senators are more than happy to shut down the…

At a clown car of a press conference this afternoon, nine Republican senators vied to show the American public who hates abortion the worst, vowing to defund Planned Parenthood so hard, you bet. By that, I guess, they mean taking away Title X funding, the federal money used for family planning services. Planned…

During an appearance on Fox News Sunday this morning, Republican Rand Paul promised to push a vote on his bill that would defund Planned Parenthood. “I’m going to try to force a vote on this,” Paul said. “I think the time is now to discuss whether taxpayer dollars should be going to such a gruesome procedure.”

Welcome to Loser Sons of Politics, a new column where members of the Jezebel staff recall with fondness the antics of the loser sons of politicians. Today: William Paul, son of Senator Rand Paul, who has pled guilty to DUI. This is the 22-year-old’s third alcohol-related run-in in as many years.

The Patriot Act, the knee jerk post-9/11 law that authorizes various taxpayer-funded entities to violate the rights of taxpayers in the name of freedom™, is set to expire at the end of the month, unless Congress reauthorizes it. And in order to reauthorize it, they’ll have to get it past Presidential candidate and…