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Every Single Presidential Candidate Is a Character From The Lord of the Rings

On this frigid January humpday, ophthalmologist and Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul took to his Facebook to draw an important comparison between Donald Trump and Gollum, the bipolar monster from The Lord of the Rings who coined the term “my precious.” Which, to be fair, sounds a lot like “Make America…

Rand Paul Boycotts Undercard Debate, Because the Media, Polls, Reality Can't Tell Him What to Do

After months of poll numbers collapsing like a once proud but increasingly weary hairdo, Rand Paul was relegated to the “undercard” GOP debate planned for Thursday night, at No One Is Paying Attention O’Clock. He is not going, because this represents the media and the RNC toying with him.

Rand Paul: Socialist Bernie Sanders Probably Isn't Going to Kill Millions of People, I Guess 

Nothing stokes the fires of Senator Rand Paul’s righteous, curly indignation like socialism, which he thinks is bad, and— this is true— unsexy. But he admits that democratic socialist Bernie Sanders probably won’t go on a killing spree, unlike, say, Stalin. But can... we... be... sure?

Rand Paul and Chris Christie Will Prepare for Tonight's Debate in Toilet Rooms 

Politico had a beautiful and perfect story late Tuesday about preparations for the next Republican debate, taking place Wednesday night in Boulder, Colorado. Every campaign got a “greenroom” to prepare, or, in the case of Chris Christie and Rand Paul, something that looks a lot like a repurposed toilet. Sometimes…

So What's Everyone Wearing to Rand Paul's Halloween Party? 

Okay, it’s so annoying how there are like five different Halloween parties I have to go to, and I have to come up for a different costume for all of them, and one of them is all the way over in freaking Iowa but I feel like only a few people are going to show up and Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul will…

Rand Paul Calls Out Jeb Bush, Former Rich-Kid Weed Smoker, for Marijuana Hypocrisy

On Thursday, Rand Paul discussed his stance on weed, also known as the one position on which he isn’t totally bananas. In a talk, Paul called out Jeb Bush for flagrant rich-kid hypocrisy: namely, the former Florida governor’s admission that he had smoked marijuana while a student at Phillips Academy is exactly why…

Hell Is a Place on Earth: Join Jezebel Tonight for a GOP Debate Liveblog

It seems like just moments ago that we all endured the first debate among thousands of Republicans who want to be president. And yet somehow, both fall and another debate are upon us, twin reminders of the passage of time, the inevitability of death, and the grim unpleasant duties that consume much of our fleeting…

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