Queen Takes Royal Prerogatives Too Far, Demands Harry Shave Sexy Beard

Terrible news out of the United Kingdom. Queen Elizabeth has gone too far. "Sources" tell the Express that her majesty has informed Prince Harry in no uncertain terms that she "intensely dislikes" whiskers and he is to shave his magnificently rakish polar-expeditionary beard "sooner rather than later." » 1/06/14 12:10pm 1/06/14 12:10pm

Even Queen Elizabeth Is Sick of Waiting for the Royal Baby

Look, Queen Elizabeth has a lot to do. She's the Queen of fucking England, which means she can't just wait around for weeks on end while waiting for the birth of a great grandchild. She's got same sex marriage to legalize, fancy hats to wear and corgis that need feeding. Most importantly, she has a vacation planned… » 7/17/13 11:35am 7/17/13 11:35am

A Final Glimpse Of Her Royal Knocked-Upness Kate Middleton

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 15: Prince Harry, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge head along the Mall towards Buckingham Palace during the annual Trooping the Colour Ceremony on June 15, 2013 in London, England. Today's ceremony which marks the Queens official birthday will not be attended by… » 6/15/13 1:30pm 6/15/13 1:30pm

Lindsay Lohan's Not On Drugs But Having Trouble Making It to Court

I mean, how hard is it to catch a flight? This is a rhetorical question for Lindsay Lohan, who missed her plane last night from New York to attend her trial in L.A. this morning. (We're now on her twenty-something trial. When you move into the double digits, you should get a free Shakeweight or some turtle wax or an… » 3/18/13 9:00am 3/18/13 9:00am

Queen Elizabeth Seeks Royal Dishwasher, Clumsy Butterfingers Need Not…

Rumor has it that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth of England could use a hand. A pair of hands, actually. On the Official Website of the British Monarchy, one will find a job listing for a position known as "General Catering Assistant (Wash-up)." Your mission, should you choose to accept it — er, be chosen to accept it: » 1/08/13 4:10pm 1/08/13 4:10pm

Queen Elizabeth 3D Is the Telly Event of the Holiday Season

In her ongoing campaign to become the most endearing monarch in British history, Queen Elizabeth II recently filmed a Christmas address in which she said some awfully nice things about the Olympians who visited her country this summer. The address will be broadcast for the first time ever in 3D, but what is perhaps… » 12/24/12 12:40pm 12/24/12 12:40pm

Queen’s Open Call for House Elf Replacement Is a Great Opportunity for …

Anyone who's lived in or visited the British Isles is certainly familiar with Mother Fog, who removes each child's rain-slicked macintosh from their shoulders, serves them a restorative spot of tea, tucks them in at night, and wakes them with the smell of frying kippers and sausages. Yes, anthropomorphized fog can do… » 10/21/12 4:00pm 10/21/12 4:00pm

The Queen Wants to Bestow Some Tracts of Land on Young, Low-Income…

Sometimes, it seems that having a monarch might not be such a terrible thing after all and that the colonies, in all their democratic zeal to help Boston stop paying taxes, might have made a huge miscalculation by not remaining within the domain of the British Crown with all its fancy ceremonies and affordable housing… » 10/14/12 12:00pm 10/14/12 12:00pm

Queen Elizabeth Approves the Royal Collection’s Purchase of Four…

The dour portraits of British monarchs past has been enlivened by the Royal Collection Trust's latest splurge — four prismatic Andy Warhol screenprints of Queen Elizabeth II wearing her tiara and the big, sparkly necklace she wore during the Silver Jubilee celebrations in 1977. The Queen, it is rumored, was pleased… » 9/24/12 10:25pm 9/24/12 10:25pm