On this day in 1982, Prince William made his first public appearance. If you could call it that, considering he could’ve easily been mistaken for a blanket-wrapped butternut squash.

Kylie Jenner’s new boo PartyNextDoor composed and sang an ode to his new lady love and subsequently posted a video of his performance on his social media accounts. The inspired verse? “Kylie, oh Kylie.”

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we flip through the tabloids while thinking about other things, like what to get for lunch, which—seeing as how I have no leftovers in the office fridge nor the appetite for something healthy like a salad—will likely be in the form of a burrito bowl from the fast-casual chain of all…

We all have those well-meaning, but slightly clueless white friends. You know, the ones who force you to explain that actually, you don’t have to say “African American.” “Black” is just fine. Really! It is! That’s what we call ourselves! Duchess Kate and Prince William were apparently those friends when their buddies …

To mark Queen Elizabeth II’s 90th birthday tomorrow, she sat for a portrait with her heirs, her son, grandson, and great-grandson, who was styled like a schoolboy circa 1906 and standing on a stack of what appear to be foam blocks wrapped in a very nice ribbon.

Of course she doesn’t.

It’s not a Saturday night in America if someone isn’t ranting about the state of feminism in the world today, but it usually isn’t Demi Lovato.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to our favorite magazine store (because the crappy one appears to have shut down for good) and are greeted by a kind employee who says, “Hey boss, I know what you want,” and hands you an OK!—after which you tear up and feel truly loved.

To no one’s surprise, despite being by all accounts a fond grandfather, Prince Charles has not changed a single diaper since the arrival of his wee Edwardian descendant George. Obviously.

On this day 34 years ago, Charles, Prince of Wales, married Lady Diana Spencer in London, at St. Paul’s Cathedral. The couple arrived from Buckingham Palace via horse-drawn carriage while the world—including my Californian mother—lost their minds with excitement.

There are dark plots being hatched in the corridors of power—but it’s not who you think. Your suspicions about Jade Helm, the Illuminati and the Bilderberg Group are merely blinding you to the real threat. And that is this: Will and Kate will, at some point in the next few years, attempt to seize the unattended throne…

Kate Middleton and that dude she lets sleep in her bed attended a match during day nine of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club. (British people love a title, don’t they.)

Kate Middleton update: Kate Middleton left the house. Or the palace, I suppose.

On Saturday, another human being joined the centuries-long line of succession to the British royal family. This new Windsor was of course greeted with a commotion in the American media—but there’s nothing new about that.

Whenever the latest royal spawn emerges from the royal womb, one of my favorite news cycles will draw to a close. I don’t care about the breathless baby outfit reporting, or the high-end amenities at the Lindo wing. No, it’s the batshit crazy rumors and tabloid reports and scurrilous online nonsense that’ve made the…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we hold hands and jump into the pit of an active volcano, a single, unified shriek that sounds a lot like "KYLIE GOT FILLERS" filling the smoky air as our ecstatic bodies evanesce into the molten goo.