Welp, here it is: Donald Trump, a monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam, has gone from presumptive nominee to actual nominee. Republicans, here is your bed, and we hope you enjoy lying in it.
Just take a look at the polls, sheeple.
The superdelegate system is baffling and stupid, given that it’s composed of unelected randos who are free to support any candidate, and, in so doing, can potentially sway an entire primary election. Nevertheless, a bad way to voice your protest of that system is to threaten and/or harass the superdelegates. Don’t do…
With Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio out of the running, Ohio Governor John Kasich is the establishment candidate no one saw coming. And sure, compared to the rest of the GOP’s increasingly terrifying sideshows in suits, Kasich comes across as sane. But don’t be fooled: John Kasich is just as much of a monster as the rest—he…
Early Wednesday morning, FiveThirtyEight’s Harry Enten published a statement of defeat: “Bernie Sanders made folks like me eat a stack of humble pie on Tuesday night.” He was referring to, of course, the massive upset in the Michigan primary—no polls had Sanders anywhere near grasping distance of that win, and …
Welcome, patriots, to what history will almost certainly see as the night America sealed its gruesome fate. That’s right—it’s Donald Trump Victory Night. And judging by the various primaries and caucuses thus far, it’s sure to be a night we’ll never forget. No matter how hard we try.
Today is Super Tuesday, in which a bunch of states have their primaries, and where traditionally, whoever wins big tends to take their party’s nomination. Hahahaha. Remember when we all said Trump was definitely not going to be nominee? Remember those sweet and innocent times?
At a Fox News town hall last night, Ted Cruz merrily described Planned Parenthood as a “national criminal enterprise committing multiple felonies,” and said if elected, he would pardon David Daleiden, recently indicted on felony charges for those anti-Planned Parenthood sting videos he made.
Ohio Governor John Kasich, who defunded Planned Parenthood yesterday, said Monday morning at a town hall in Virginia that he got elected
to the state Senate because women “came out of their kitchens to support me.” Oh?
Hillary Clinton, perhaps the candidate most closely affiliated with lots and lots of money, unsurprisingly won the casinos during Saturday’s Nevada caucus, according to PBS’s Jon Ralston.
In the single good thing that’s occurred in this election season so far, the Daily Beast reports that Ted Cruz and Ben Carson met for a very tense secret meeting in a storage closet in a South Carolina convention center near the bathrooms. As you do.
God help us and keep us and beam us out of here on a giant spaceship: Bernie Sanders has weighed in on Killer Mike and #uterusgate and now we’re going to have to fight about it some more. At a Sanders rally a few days ago, Mike quoted a feminist scholar saying “A uterus doesn’t qualify you to be president.” Sanders…
George W. Bush is out on the campaign trail stumping for Jeb, a development that definitely does not give us chilling flashbacks and stress diarrhea. Last night they went on Fox News together, where Sean Hannity beamed at them with delight and W. joyfully mangled the English language as though not a single day had…
With the Iowa caucuses officially kicking off primary voting season, it won’t be long before a brand new butt is working a fresh groove into Obama’s old chair. In preparation, our various candidates are already hard at work making wild schedules for their first day on the job. And each one is more impossible than the…
You know you were going to ask.
Somehow, impossibly, we’ve made it through five total GOP debates over the course of five months. We’ve seen spirits crushed (Jeb), lies told (everyone), and would-be dictators rouse the masses (Trump). At a certain point, all the racism, bickering, and stupidity just start blending together. Here’s a refresher.
It’s time. Tomorrow night, at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, ten drunk clowns are going to fight with each other on national television for the chance to make wildly important decisions that affect each and every one of our livelihoods. It is going to be a god damn masterpiece.