Donald Trump Congratulates Donald Trump For 'Breaking the Glass Ceiling' In Construction Industry

Sputum-filled Orange Julius Donald Trump appeared on Fox News Monday night, to carry out one of his blitzkrieg attacks on both American ideals and the English language. He also found time to mention that he, personally, is responsible for women’s success in the construction industry. Who else, right?

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A Sanders Supporter Created a 'Superdelegate Hitlist.' You Will Absolutely Believe What Happened Next

The superdelegate system is baffling and stupid, given that it’s composed of unelected randos who are free to support any candidate, and, in so doing, can potentially sway an entire primary election. Nevertheless, a bad way to voice your protest of that system is to threaten and/or harass the superdelegates. Don’t do…

Ted Cruz Calls Planned Parenthood A 'Criminal Enterprise,' Says He'd Pardon Sting Video Maker

At a Fox News town hall last night, Ted Cruz merrily described Planned Parenthood as a “national criminal enterprise committing multiple felonies,” and said if elected, he would pardon David Daleiden, recently indicted on felony charges for those anti-Planned Parenthood sting videos he made.

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Bernie Sanders: I'm Not Saying 'Let’s Stand Together, Vote for a Man' 

God help us and keep us and beam us out of here on a giant spaceship: Bernie Sanders has weighed in on Killer Mike and #uterusgate and now we’re going to have to fight about it some more. At a Sanders rally a few days ago, Mike quoted a feminist scholar saying “A uterus doesn’t qualify you to be president.” Sanders…

George W. Bush: I Know Jeb Would Be a Good President Since 'I Were One'

George W. Bush is out on the campaign trail stumping for Jeb, a development that definitely does not give us chilling flashbacks and stress diarrhea. Last night they went on Fox News together, where Sean Hannity beamed at them with delight and W. joyfully mangled the English language as though not a single day had…

Every Candidate’s Impossible First-Day Agendas, Ranked

With the Iowa caucuses officially kicking off primary voting season, it won’t be long before a brand new butt is working a fresh groove into Obama’s old chair. In preparation, our various candidates are already hard at work making wild schedules for their first day on the job. And each one is more impossible than the…