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Carson: There Could Be More Violence At Trump Rallies If Protesters Keep 'Escalating' 

Sleepiest badger Ben Carson roused himself early Monday morning to appear on some morning shows, where he defended his new BFF Donald Trump, claiming that violence at his rallies was the fault of protesters alone. On MSNBC’s Morning Joe, he called upon protesters at Trump rallies to engage in “civil discussion.” Just…

Ted Cruz Calls Planned Parenthood A 'Criminal Enterprise,' Says He'd Pardon Sting Video Maker

At a Fox News town hall last night, Ted Cruz merrily described Planned Parenthood as a “national criminal enterprise committing multiple felonies,” and said if elected, he would pardon David Daleiden, recently indicted on felony charges for those anti-Planned Parenthood sting videos he made.

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Every Candidate’s Impossible First-Day Agendas, Ranked

With the Iowa caucuses officially kicking off primary voting season, it won’t be long before a brand new butt is working a fresh groove into Obama’s old chair. In preparation, our various candidates are already hard at work making wild schedules for their first day on the job. And each one is more impossible than the…

Every Single Presidential Candidate Is a Character From The Lord of the Rings

On this frigid January humpday, ophthalmologist and Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul took to his Facebook to draw an important comparison between Donald Trump and Gollum, the bipolar monster from The Lord of the Rings who coined the term “my precious.” Which, to be fair, sounds a lot like “Make America…

Quiz: Which '90s Version of a Current Presidential Candidate Are You?

For the past eight months, we’ve become intimately familiar with our presidential hopefuls. We know how they twitch under pressure, who their wives are, what television shows they pretend to watch. But these candidates weren’t always candidates. In fact, while you were watching Daria and playing with pogs, these…

Bosom Buddies Jeb Bush and Pitbull Have a Friendly Chat About Dogfighting

“Mr. Worldwide” has always been in search of a Mrs. Worldwide, a special someone with whom to share his enormous wealth and love of Miami. Perhaps a fellow Floridian would do the trick! Enter Jeb Bush, formerly of the moniker Jeb!, a man who may just be the future Mrs. Worldwide—or at least Mr. Worldwide, Jr.