Advertisement

Every Candidate’s Impossible First-Day Agendas, Ranked

With the Iowa caucuses officially kicking off primary voting season, it won’t be long before a brand new butt is working a fresh groove into Obama’s old chair. In preparation, our various candidates are already hard at work making wild schedules for their first day on the job. And each one is more impossible than the…

Every Single Presidential Candidate Is a Character From The Lord of the Rings

On this frigid January humpday, ophthalmologist and Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul took to his Facebook to draw an important comparison between Donald Trump and Gollum, the bipolar monster from The Lord of the Rings who coined the term “my precious.” Which, to be fair, sounds a lot like “Make America…

Quiz: Which '90s Version of a Current Presidential Candidate Are You?

For the past eight months, we’ve become intimately familiar with our presidential hopefuls. We know how they twitch under pressure, who their wives are, what television shows they pretend to watch. But these candidates weren’t always candidates. In fact, while you were watching Daria and playing with pogs, these…

Bosom Buddies Jeb Bush and Pitbull Have a Friendly Chat About Dogfighting

“Mr. Worldwide” has always been in search of a Mrs. Worldwide, a special someone with whom to share his enormous wealth and love of Miami. Perhaps a fellow Floridian would do the trick! Enter Jeb Bush, formerly of the moniker Jeb!, a man who may just be the future Mrs. Worldwide—or at least Mr. Worldwide, Jr.

Here Are the Presidential Candidates Who Haven't Commented on the Planned Parenthood Shooting Yet [Updated]

After the devastating shooting at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs, Colorado, on Friday, commenters (welcome and not) have come out of the woodwork to give their hottest takes. A few, including a large slice of the candidates for the highest elected position a politician can hold in the U.S., have…

Adele Superfan Donald Trump Cut the Line at Her Concert Last Night 

Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world Donald Trump is apparently, like us all, a fan of Adele. He expressed that fandom in an on-brand fashion Tuesday night, by cutting in front of hundreds of people to get into her show at Radio City Music Hall last night, then…

These Topical Political Halloween Costumes Will Make You the Commander in Chief of Every Party

Political costumes are a great way to show all your friends how much smarter you are than them. But thanks to the patriarchy, they can also be boring—a suit with a red or blue tie? I mean, no thank you! When I go out for Halloween, I like to do it full out. Follow these simple guides for costumes that say “My greatest…