These days, many women walk into public bathrooms with bowels full of digested sandwiches (ew) and salads (nice) with the end goal of taking a satisfying shit.

Early Monday afternoon I read an article with a headline that reads “First poo-themed dessert café set to open in Canada.” The Independent’s use of “first” sort of implies that Canadians are all breathing a sigh of relief that it finally exists, but did any of them actually ask for this? Are “poo-themed dessert cafes”…

A man who tried to cover two women in poop on New York’s Upper East Side has been caught. That being said, I’m still out of this city.

A man on Manhattan’s Upper East Side attempted to shove a bag of poop down a woman’s shorts on Monday. I can’t live here anymore, bye.

In her new book Bite Me, Ally Hilfiger—star of the seminal MTV reality show Rich Girls, daughter of Tommy Hilfiger, and sufferer of chronic Lyme disease—describes a moment in which she served her father a platter of poop.

Here’s what the fashion people don’t want you to see!!

The premiere of The Real Housewives of the Worst City In Texas was Monday night, and boy howdy did I enjoy every second of it. Though it’s too early for all the cast members’ dynamics to have been established, the season’s central rivalry was made abundantly clear.

So, here’s the situation: you’re going to get poop on you. The reasons why aren’t important, not for the purposes of this hypothetical, just: there’s going to be shit—people shit—either in your mouth or your eyes. Someone’s going to put it there. Which do you choose? How come? Is there a self-evidently better choice…

Incredibly heartwarming and romantic: A young woman wore a poop emoji costume to ask a guy to homecoming.

Before Sandra Bullock’s boyfriend had a name, he was simply the “super hot” and “super normal” guy she was allegedly seeing. But now that we know his name (Bryan Randall), we’re beginning to learn all kinds of new things about him - like how he was once accused of smearing dog shit on someone’s door.

Would you ever go to a poop cafe? Just answer the question, don’t be a child about this.

All this time you were worried about the water, but the sand is the real problem.

Below me, on the ground, lies a slush of partially digested rehydrated noodles. They look like little wriggly white maggots, moving in the dirt. Either my vision is still blurry from the pain of vomiting, or the fever has finally gotten the best of me, because I swear to god, those suckers are squirming.

Last week, the internet erupted with the news that beards, those beautiful things that hide men’s weak chins and childhood acne scars, are chock-full of something more than manliness—and that something is poop. For anyone either excited or horrified by this news (my immediate reaction was to go drag my bearded face…