This isn't to shit all over MFA students — they get quite enough of that already, both from snarky real-talkers in the Wall Street Journal weekend section and life — but perhaps the best an aspiring writer can hope for in this brave new media landscape tilled by Google adbots and fertilized with diploma paper is a gig…
Recently, we learned via study something we all suspected was true on some level: that the "average woman" waits a good four weeks before allowing a man she fancies to gaze upon her bare, makeup-free face for fear of scarring him with the knowledge that human eyes don't come rimmed in kohl at birth. But this is only the …
So, okay, somebody invented a potty chair with a mount for your iPad. Okay? Somebody did that. And the idea is that, to incentivize learning to shit properly, you let your kid play with your iPod while their poop is coming out, and THEY FUCKING LOVE IT, and potty training becomes a totally-pun-intended breeze (see,…
Ohhhhhh my GOD, I will never ever ever in my life get tired of stories where doctors use poop as medicine. EVER. Because, you see, it's poop (which is stinky stuff that comes out of your butt*), and then doctors (who are very serious science grown-ups) have to touch the poop with doctory gravitas, and then they turn…
The answer is prostaglandins. These are the chemical signals girls' and women's bodies make and send to the uterus to tell it to contract, thus expelling the uterine lining at the end of the menstrual cycle. Prostaglandins aren't super picky about whom they talk to, however. If the body sends enough of them to the…
Asswipes are all the rage right now. All the big toilet paper companies — from Charmin to Cotonelle to Scott — are manufacturing moist wipes, in an effort to clean up shit-smeared American heinies and keep skidmarks at a minimum. The problem? Sewer systems are getting completely jacked up.
Look, any ad willing to describe a bowel movement in terms of birthing “a creamy behemoth” from “cavernous bowels” has a good head on its shoulders. That said, Poo-Pourri’s latest exploits a familiar meme, that of the fancy shitting lady. Get it?? Because ladies, especially fancy ones, don’t poop, and if they do…
"Are you obese? Have you tried everything to lose weight (black and white footage of a person accidentally springing a thighmaster into a flatscreen TV. TV falls down on top of person/ footage of person running in sweatbands and wristbands and kneebands and looking miserable/ footage of a heavy person forlornly…
Well, the app is part and parcel of Swifto dog walkers, a company that lets you monitor your pooch's daily jaunts via your phone. It's official — we now trust computers more to watch our dogs than the people we employ to watch our dogs.
There’s no reason to freak out or anything, but you might want to know that the ground turkey idling in your refrigerator is teeming with antibiotic-resistant poop bacteria that are all biding their time until they can hospitalize you after the Friday cookout you’ve been planning for weeks. Yeah, fecal bacteria can be …
What goes in, must come out — and when it does come out, it's basically a murky crystal ball into your gastrointestinal health. Poo is the funky combo of water, fiber, bacteria, cells, and mucus that fills your toilet bowl — and that's all good. However, when weird colors, textures, and consistencies get up in the…
Don't you just love modern conveniences? Drunken nights and certain New York neighborhoods aside, for the most part, we have progressed past pissing and shitting in the street. The toilet and the sewer system! A thing of beauty. Neat, quick, clean disposal of the excrement and detritus human existence is plagued by. If …
Babies born via Cesarean section have a different set of microbes in their digestive tracts than those born vaginally, according to a study that investigated and compared the stool samples of infants. Previous studies have linked C-sections with a higher risk of asthma, obesity, and diabetes, but the reasons weren't…
It's nearly Valentine's Day (haven't you heard?!); what do you get the loved one who has already has everything? A tie? A trip to their favorite restaurant? Ugh, with these suggestions, it's like you want to get dumped. Instead, do something new and exciting: Take them to the Newtown Creek sewage treatment plant in…
Digital subscriptions and the Internet has been chipping away at the circulations of print newspapers, so much so that it's having an impact on animal shelters who rely on yesterday's news to line puppy cages. San Francisco's Animal Care & Control used to get surplus papers from the San Francisco Chronicle, but cutbacks …
Fact: Nobody wants to hear about potty training. Even though it's arguably one of the biggest milestones in a human's life ever — not pissing/crapping yourself for at least some period of time is basically a requirement to be in the autonomous world, without which it would be pretty darn hard to accomplish other…
We all know that regularly, uh, ejecting our feces is part of being healthy. But did you know that receiving a fecal transplant could save
Oh, food. So delicious and necessary-for-not-dying, and yet soooooooooo constantly full of poisonous poop. Food recalls are probably my favorite type of horrifying national emergency, because they're so mysterious and close to home. Like, I eat food (much to the displeasure of the "Manosphere")!!! I totally eat it all…
When I was a sophomore in college, making my dollars working in the theatre department's costume shop, I stitched alongside a posse of unspeakably cool senior girls. Being prime players in the University's theatre scene, they were into shock and awe when it came the way they dressed, did their hair, and even — or…
Are you happy now, humans? Are you happy? It's 2012 and the prognosis is not good. The glaciers are melting, the polar bears are drowning, the people of Vanuatu are floating around their living rooms in washtubs like Pippi Longstocking or some shit, and I never even got to look at a glacier or pet a polar bear OR hang…
I'm not going to lie to you the way the author of a kitschy children's book might lie to you — not everyone poops. Really wealthy people, for instance, don't poop. Neither do starfish. Or hummingbirds, bless their fluttering little hearts. Nor do flowers poop. Nevertheless, we all need to talk about pooping way more…
A woman, whose life was threatened by a dangerous bacterial infection in her colon, was cured through a "fecal transplant." It is exactly as it sounds: doctors take poop from one person and then put it up another person's butt.
It's a classic tale: Son demands vodka, mother yells at son, son acquires feces, son smears feces in mother's face, son goes to jail. (Or, the short version: Florida.)
Look, talking about bowel health isn't pleasant, which is why it's relegated to squeamish doctor's visits, euphemistic Pepto Bismol ads scored by fart symphonies, and the pencil-mustachioed, infomercial snake oil purveyor Klee Irwin, but we need to talk about it because, well, it's important. It's especially important…
Ahhh, big stinky poops. Nature's garbage. I know you make them, and I know you are ashamed. So what to do, ladies, what to do, when you really need to "drop the Westboro Baptist Church off at the pool," but you're trapped at the office where people you know might find out about your disgusting butt-bigots!? Panic? No.…
It's no secret that children can play awful tricks on one another, but you don't usually expect teachers and parents to be in on the prank. But that's exactly what happened during a class canoe trip in Manitoba, Canada, when a parent chaperone tricked two different students into eating moose poop. Karen Eyolfson says…
After penning an op-ed pointing out that mining can lead to environmental waste, Wisconsin State Senator Lena C. Taylor received a thoughtful, nuanced note of reply: an envelope full of human shit, courtesy of the Milwaukee Trade Unions.
