Jezebel 
Enter your username and password.
New York, 7:49 AM
Sun Nov 8
22 posts in the last 24 hours
Tip your editors:
tips@jezebel.com
Editor-in-Chief:
Anna Holmes
Email | Twitter
Deputy Editor:
Dodai Stewart
Email | Twitter
Senior Contributing Editor:
Tracie Egan
Email | Twitter
Contributing Editors:
Anna North
Email | Twitter
Sadie Stein
Email | Twitter
Editorial Assistant:
Margaret Hartmann
Email | Twitter
Contributors:
Jenna Sauers
Email
Rich Juzwiak
Email | Twitter
Lizzie Skurnick
Email
Interns:
Katy Kelleher
Twitter
Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.
07/30/09
07/30/09
Polyamory gave me so many gifts, from confidence in myself to maturity in my relationships. It also gave me the strength to leave my long-term abusive boyfriend. Polyamory forced me to examine my life and confront my issues (that I didn't know I had before poly).
When I made the decision to leave the lifestyle, I had to end a relationship of 5 years, a relationship of 1 year in addition to a surviving the heartbreak of another relationship ending. No person should have to survive that much pain, but I have learned so much from it. I can think of no other way I could have had this many experiences in my short 22 years.
Now, my girlfriend and I have that shared history of poly beginnings and respect for other people who may choose that lifestyle. However, we know, without a doubt, that poly is not for us.
Having experienced that lifestyle, I believe that some people are born polyamorous, as some people are born gay. Others choose the lifestyle based on their circumstances. These are typically the people who have negative experiences.
07/30/09
If, on the other hand, you find yourself thinking that you might be able to love more than one person in the same way at the same time (akin to the way a mother loves all of her children the same amount), polyamory might be for you. If you aren't afraid of stepping out of the societal norm in search of emotional fulfillment, polyamory might be for you. If you have a solid, tolerant, loving relationship based in honesty and humor, polyamory might be for you.
In the end, the relationship model that works best for you is the one that fosters confidence, happiness, and satisfaction in your life. Non-amory, mono-amory, polyamory, whatever...embrace it, run with it, live it fully. But please try not to slam people who prefer a different model, or paint them all with a brush dipped in assumptions and "as it is/was in my life, so it must be in everyone else's".
07/30/09
The other thing is that a person can't be bringing loads of bullshit with them to the relationship. No dishonesty, no jealousy, no insecurity, no communication issues. You have to be upfront and forthcoming about everything. This is true for any relationship, yes, but the set-up of a polyamorous arrangement is such that these things are absolutely required.
I always think it's cool when others are able to swing it, because it's such a subversion of traditional mores, but honestly I am not one of those people. But hey, at least I tried.
07/30/09
I'm poly by nature though I currently only have one partner (and she has another partner) and I simply do not comprehend monogamy as a goal. If i love someone it doesn't mean I should be incapable of loving another the same way. That's not to say monogamy is worse or wrong I just honestly think many people are not wired for it and it would be much healthier for society if poly was an open acceptable choice instead of stigmatized.
07/30/09
07/29/09
Many of my friends and acquaintances are poly, and most of those who are are in longer term relationships than most of the monogamous couples (10+, 15+ years with ages in the upper thirties). A few of them have children, and are very responsible, involved parents (including all three of the triad group). It's enough of a social norm where I am and in my social group that when my husband and I started dating, it was considered de rigeur for us to have a talk about how we wanted things to be.. monogamy was not considered the sole or even default mode.
We chose monogamy because frankly, we get what we need in eachother, and have no real interest in opening that intimacy up. Our decision has been bolstered by boggling at the time and complexity required to be in a relationship with more than one other person. I don't get to see enough of my husband as it is! However, we are very clear that just because it's the best choice for us doesn't mean it's the best choice for everyone.
07/29/09
I know at least three poly triads. Two have two women and one has two men. The one I know the best is one of the ones with two women. The man and one of the woman had been married for twenty years or so before adding the second woman. They are really cute. The two women are like best friends and tease the man all the time. The man always calls them his "best girls". I would love to have what they have.
I used to think I could be in a poly relationship although I'm not as sure now because of my parent's divorce and that whole shebang of emotional crisis/trust issues/therapy fodder. I think maybe I'd be a better swinger but I know that can tend to be more heterosexual centered (other than the mystical hot bi woman syndrome).
07/29/09
07/30/09
07/29/09
07/29/09
Now, I'm so monogamous, I don't even dream about men other than my husband. If I need a person in my fantasy, I dream up Faceless Guy #random. I find the idea of sleeping with someone who isn't my husband abhorrent. It strikes me that I am ill-suited for a poly lifestyle.
And yet, poly people have told me that I can't knock it 'til I've tried it, that it's culture talking, that I've been brainwashed. I can't help but resent the implication that my sexual preference is a matter of brainwashing, while theirs is somehow enlightened and "better."
I'm all for letting people do whatever behind closed doors. Doesn't affect me any. I just wish they'd quit trying to convince me there's a right and a wrong where personal preference is concerned.
07/29/09
07/29/09
Another case of blurring the line between personal preference and value judgment, right there.
07/29/09
I feel the exact same way about my husband, and I'm sick of all the messages out there that this is old-school and sooo 1950s. Just as the other side feels that society rejects their lifestyles, I can also see the pendulum "swinging" the other way. Suddenly, even if I am absolutely sure that I never want anything other than monogamy, it's apparently only because I have been "programmed." Nope. Even if polygomy was the only lifestyle I'd ever heard of, it wouldn't be a fit for me and I'd be miserable. My not "being able to choose" the polygamist lifestyle is a result of the way I'M hardwired, and I don't find it the least bit sad.
07/29/09
But all that talking an processing with him made me appreciate the folks who COULD make that situation work for them. Fact is, I'm too insecure, so I NEED monogamy, not the other way around.
07/30/09
And with that being said, I don't care how ppl choose to live their lives, just be honest with your SO about it.
07/29/09
Poly takes a lot of hard work - it's not for everyone.
As to "success", I know poly dyads that have been together for over 20 years (one that has been together for 40). I know of 12 year long triads. Yes - a lot of relationships tend to be more flexible or short lived - then again, I also know serial monogamists who can't stay in a relationship for more than 18 months before they get bored and move on leaving a string of broken hearts behind them.
There are damaged people in the poly world, and in the monogamous world.
There are healthy people in both these worlds too.
They key is to finding people you work with well, and talking about the expectations you have, renegotiating when things change, and working on your issues together and alone.
FWIW: I am married to my partner of 7 years. I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 1 year (he was local and now he's long distance). My husband is dating my boyfriend's lover, and has a friend with benefits - both of whom *I* encouraged him to start up with because I really like both women, and they are sane and experienced in poly, and generally really cool. My BF has two new partners in his new location. The hardest part for me, has been the fact that I miss my BF now that he's 3000 miles away. Which would be true if we were monogamous anyway.
07/29/09
07/30/09
07/29/09