Honest question: What happens when someone breaks up with someone in the group? I watched this the other day and kept thinking about what it would be like to drift into and join a poly group, and how your relationship with one member translates into relationships with other members.
I was in a poly relationship for about a year and a half. While I experienced more heartache during that time than I ever had before, I would never change the decisions that I made.
Polyamory gave me so many gifts, from confidence in myself to maturity in my relationships. It also gave me the strength to leave my long-term abusive boyfriend. Polyamory forced me to examine my life and confront my issues (that I didn't know I had before poly).
When I made the decision to leave the lifestyle, I had to end a relationship of 5 years, a relationship of 1 year in addition to a surviving the heartbreak of another relationship ending. No person should have to survive that much pain, but I have learned so much from it. I can think of no other way I could have had this many experiences in my short 22 years.
Now, my girlfriend and I have that shared history of poly beginnings and respect for other people who may choose that lifestyle. However, we know, without a doubt, that poly is not for us.
Having experienced that lifestyle, I believe that some people are born polyamorous, as some people are born gay. Others choose the lifestyle based on their circumstances. These are typically the people who have negative experiences.
I, my husband, my girlfriend (who is also dating my husband), my girlfriend's husband, and my girlfriend's husband's lady-friend would like Jezebel to know that polyamory isn't easy, but can be worth the effort. If you don't like talking about your emotions - honestly, on command, at length - polyamory may not be for you. If you shy away from breaking out the calendar to schedule your love life, polyamory may not be for you. If you harbor insecurities about your lover's affections for you, or fear that you can be replaced in his/her heart, polyamory may not be for you (at least not with that partner).
If, on the other hand, you find yourself thinking that you might be able to love more than one person in the same way at the same time (akin to the way a mother loves all of her children the same amount), polyamory might be for you. If you aren't afraid of stepping out of the societal norm in search of emotional fulfillment, polyamory might be for you. If you have a solid, tolerant, loving relationship based in honesty and humor, polyamory might be for you.
In the end, the relationship model that works best for you is the one that fosters confidence, happiness, and satisfaction in your life. Non-amory, mono-amory, polyamory, whatever...embrace it, run with it, live it fully. But please try not to slam people who prefer a different model, or paint them all with a brush dipped in assumptions and "as it is/was in my life, so it must be in everyone else's".
I tried polyamory once. Let's just say it was like taking all of the stress that goes along with a standard dyad and then multiplying it by a magnitude of three. Instead of having one person's needs to attend to, you are looking out for two or maybe even three. It was exhausting.
The other thing is that a person can't be bringing loads of bullshit with them to the relationship. No dishonesty, no jealousy, no insecurity, no communication issues. You have to be upfront and forthcoming about everything. This is true for any relationship, yes, but the set-up of a polyamorous arrangement is such that these things are absolutely required.
I always think it's cool when others are able to swing it, because it's such a subversion of traditional mores, but honestly I am not one of those people. But hey, at least I tried.
What I find baffling is that polyamory is often seen as more weird and 'wrong' in our society then cheating on your partner. Sleeping around is apparently one thing but being honest and open about desires for others - for shame.
I'm poly by nature though I currently only have one partner (and she has another partner) and I simply do not comprehend monogamy as a goal. If i love someone it doesn't mean I should be incapable of loving another the same way. That's not to say monogamy is worse or wrong I just honestly think many people are not wired for it and it would be much healthier for society if poly was an open acceptable choice instead of stigmatized.
I've been in a relationship that became poly and am now in a monogamous relationship. On both occasions that the previous relationship added new members, I was hesitant but interested and was 'talked into it' and, amusingly (now) on both occasions the person who was more enthusiastic was the one who ended up freaking out and returning the situation to monogamy. I do not regret these relationships whatsoever, though I /do/ regret how long I stayed with the primary partner.
Many of my friends and acquaintances are poly, and most of those who are are in longer term relationships than most of the monogamous couples (10+, 15+ years with ages in the upper thirties). A few of them have children, and are very responsible, involved parents (including all three of the triad group). It's enough of a social norm where I am and in my social group that when my husband and I started dating, it was considered de rigeur for us to have a talk about how we wanted things to be.. monogamy was not considered the sole or even default mode.
We chose monogamy because frankly, we get what we need in eachother, and have no real interest in opening that intimacy up. Our decision has been bolstered by boggling at the time and complexity required to be in a relationship with more than one other person. I don't get to see enough of my husband as it is! However, we are very clear that just because it's the best choice for us doesn't mean it's the best choice for everyone.
I've been involved with the poly community through my involvement with the bisexual community. A community of people who understand or include open bisexuals are few and far between. It's hard out here for a bi?
I know at least three poly triads. Two have two women and one has two men. The one I know the best is one of the ones with two women. The man and one of the woman had been married for twenty years or so before adding the second woman. They are really cute. The two women are like best friends and tease the man all the time. The man always calls them his "best girls". I would love to have what they have.
I used to think I could be in a poly relationship although I'm not as sure now because of my parent's divorce and that whole shebang of emotional crisis/trust issues/therapy fodder. I think maybe I'd be a better swinger but I know that can tend to be more heterosexual centered (other than the mystical hot bi woman syndrome).
It seems like more talking and negotiating than fucking. I'll stick with one on one. I'm not in any way freaked out by polyamory- more like daunted by how much you have to want to de-construct versus get busy...
In terms of poly "not working" or being full of people with self-esteem issues, I think that reflects a tendency for drama to stand out more. Breakups and scandals, especially with multiple people, get discussed and remembered more - and while I agree there's no shortage of those in my poly community, the most stable poly people I know tend to be quite private. Sometimes they just don't want the gossip affecting their job or kids but I think you don't hear as much about successful poly relationships because they keep a lower profile.
I blame Stranger in a Strange Land. The implication that all humans, women especially, are hardwired to want sex with as many people as possible made me throw the book across the room. More than once.
Now, I'm so monogamous, I don't even dream about men other than my husband. If I need a person in my fantasy, I dream up Faceless Guy #random. I find the idea of sleeping with someone who isn't my husband abhorrent. It strikes me that I am ill-suited for a poly lifestyle.
And yet, poly people have told me that I can't knock it 'til I've tried it, that it's culture talking, that I've been brainwashed. I can't help but resent the implication that my sexual preference is a matter of brainwashing, while theirs is somehow enlightened and "better."
I'm all for letting people do whatever behind closed doors. Doesn't affect me any. I just wish they'd quit trying to convince me there's a right and a wrong where personal preference is concerned.
@alicetheowl: Thank you! And this bears repeating: "I find the idea of sleeping with someone who isn't my husband abhorrent."
I feel the exact same way about my husband, and I'm sick of all the messages out there that this is old-school and sooo 1950s. Just as the other side feels that society rejects their lifestyles, I can also see the pendulum "swinging" the other way. Suddenly, even if I am absolutely sure that I never want anything other than monogamy, it's apparently only because I have been "programmed." Nope. Even if polygomy was the only lifestyle I'd ever heard of, it wouldn't be a fit for me and I'd be miserable. My not "being able to choose" the polygamist lifestyle is a result of the way I'M hardwired, and I don't find it the least bit sad.
I once started dating a dude who dropped the "I'm in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship, I've been in this relationship for 8 years, and we live on different coasts" bomb. After much talking about it, I came to the conclusion that that situation didn't jive for me: open relationships are about absolute honesty, trust and equality, and the fact he had a outside partner and I did not meant it wasn't all that equal.
But all that talking an processing with him made me appreciate the folks who COULD make that situation work for them. Fact is, I'm too insecure, so I NEED monogamy, not the other way around.
@outrageouschaos: I need monogamy too--and while I was about to agree with you about my personal desire for a one-on-one relationship as a result of my insecurities, I thought that perhaps attributing our desire for one partner to "insecurity" is a disservice to the very concept of monogamy and to ourselves. EVERYONE has insecurities, I don't care if your poly or monogamous, and just because I want one person to spend my life with doesn't mean I'm more or less insecure than anybody else. It's almost like saying I'm monogamous because there's something wrong with me.
And with that being said, I don't care how ppl choose to live their lives, just be honest with your SO about it.
I'm polyamorous and have been for about 10 years now. I don't have "low self-esteem" thanks. I'm not more damaged than other people either.
Poly takes a lot of hard work - it's not for everyone.
As to "success", I know poly dyads that have been together for over 20 years (one that has been together for 40). I know of 12 year long triads. Yes - a lot of relationships tend to be more flexible or short lived - then again, I also know serial monogamists who can't stay in a relationship for more than 18 months before they get bored and move on leaving a string of broken hearts behind them.
There are damaged people in the poly world, and in the monogamous world.
There are healthy people in both these worlds too.
They key is to finding people you work with well, and talking about the expectations you have, renegotiating when things change, and working on your issues together and alone.
FWIW: I am married to my partner of 7 years. I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 1 year (he was local and now he's long distance). My husband is dating my boyfriend's lover, and has a friend with benefits - both of whom *I* encouraged him to start up with because I really like both women, and they are sane and experienced in poly, and generally really cool. My BF has two new partners in his new location. The hardest part for me, has been the fact that I miss my BF now that he's 3000 miles away. Which would be true if we were monogamous anyway.
The jealousy angle is one aspect, but I mostly don't want to be poly because it sounds like a tremendous amount of work. I am not a big fan of sitting around discussing my feelings with an SO ad nauseum, much less doing so with multiple SOs. It sounds like the amount of legwork involved in doing it well-touching base with all players, keeping lines of communication open, making sure no one's feeling neglected and dealing with everyone's issues-would be exhausting.
@Hooplehead: yeah, i have a hard time having multiple good friends because i get too overwhelmed with trying to pay them equal attention. i could never handle multiple SO's because i know how overwhelmed i'd feel.
I'm really tired of the idea that people who aren't interested in non-monogomous relationships have self-esteem issues. That's no more true than saying people in polyamory are overrun by their sexual desires.
07/30/09
07/30/09
Polyamory gave me so many gifts, from confidence in myself to maturity in my relationships. It also gave me the strength to leave my long-term abusive boyfriend. Polyamory forced me to examine my life and confront my issues (that I didn't know I had before poly).
When I made the decision to leave the lifestyle, I had to end a relationship of 5 years, a relationship of 1 year in addition to a surviving the heartbreak of another relationship ending. No person should have to survive that much pain, but I have learned so much from it. I can think of no other way I could have had this many experiences in my short 22 years.
Now, my girlfriend and I have that shared history of poly beginnings and respect for other people who may choose that lifestyle. However, we know, without a doubt, that poly is not for us.
Having experienced that lifestyle, I believe that some people are born polyamorous, as some people are born gay. Others choose the lifestyle based on their circumstances. These are typically the people who have negative experiences.
07/30/09
If, on the other hand, you find yourself thinking that you might be able to love more than one person in the same way at the same time (akin to the way a mother loves all of her children the same amount), polyamory might be for you. If you aren't afraid of stepping out of the societal norm in search of emotional fulfillment, polyamory might be for you. If you have a solid, tolerant, loving relationship based in honesty and humor, polyamory might be for you.
In the end, the relationship model that works best for you is the one that fosters confidence, happiness, and satisfaction in your life. Non-amory, mono-amory, polyamory, whatever...embrace it, run with it, live it fully. But please try not to slam people who prefer a different model, or paint them all with a brush dipped in assumptions and "as it is/was in my life, so it must be in everyone else's".
07/30/09
The other thing is that a person can't be bringing loads of bullshit with them to the relationship. No dishonesty, no jealousy, no insecurity, no communication issues. You have to be upfront and forthcoming about everything. This is true for any relationship, yes, but the set-up of a polyamorous arrangement is such that these things are absolutely required.
I always think it's cool when others are able to swing it, because it's such a subversion of traditional mores, but honestly I am not one of those people. But hey, at least I tried.
07/30/09
I'm poly by nature though I currently only have one partner (and she has another partner) and I simply do not comprehend monogamy as a goal. If i love someone it doesn't mean I should be incapable of loving another the same way. That's not to say monogamy is worse or wrong I just honestly think many people are not wired for it and it would be much healthier for society if poly was an open acceptable choice instead of stigmatized.
07/30/09
07/29/09
Many of my friends and acquaintances are poly, and most of those who are are in longer term relationships than most of the monogamous couples (10+, 15+ years with ages in the upper thirties). A few of them have children, and are very responsible, involved parents (including all three of the triad group). It's enough of a social norm where I am and in my social group that when my husband and I started dating, it was considered de rigeur for us to have a talk about how we wanted things to be.. monogamy was not considered the sole or even default mode.
We chose monogamy because frankly, we get what we need in eachother, and have no real interest in opening that intimacy up. Our decision has been bolstered by boggling at the time and complexity required to be in a relationship with more than one other person. I don't get to see enough of my husband as it is! However, we are very clear that just because it's the best choice for us doesn't mean it's the best choice for everyone.
07/29/09
I know at least three poly triads. Two have two women and one has two men. The one I know the best is one of the ones with two women. The man and one of the woman had been married for twenty years or so before adding the second woman. They are really cute. The two women are like best friends and tease the man all the time. The man always calls them his "best girls". I would love to have what they have.
I used to think I could be in a poly relationship although I'm not as sure now because of my parent's divorce and that whole shebang of emotional crisis/trust issues/therapy fodder. I think maybe I'd be a better swinger but I know that can tend to be more heterosexual centered (other than the mystical hot bi woman syndrome).
07/29/09
07/30/09
07/29/09
07/29/09
Now, I'm so monogamous, I don't even dream about men other than my husband. If I need a person in my fantasy, I dream up Faceless Guy #random. I find the idea of sleeping with someone who isn't my husband abhorrent. It strikes me that I am ill-suited for a poly lifestyle.
And yet, poly people have told me that I can't knock it 'til I've tried it, that it's culture talking, that I've been brainwashed. I can't help but resent the implication that my sexual preference is a matter of brainwashing, while theirs is somehow enlightened and "better."
I'm all for letting people do whatever behind closed doors. Doesn't affect me any. I just wish they'd quit trying to convince me there's a right and a wrong where personal preference is concerned.
07/29/09
07/29/09
Another case of blurring the line between personal preference and value judgment, right there.
07/29/09
I feel the exact same way about my husband, and I'm sick of all the messages out there that this is old-school and sooo 1950s. Just as the other side feels that society rejects their lifestyles, I can also see the pendulum "swinging" the other way. Suddenly, even if I am absolutely sure that I never want anything other than monogamy, it's apparently only because I have been "programmed." Nope. Even if polygomy was the only lifestyle I'd ever heard of, it wouldn't be a fit for me and I'd be miserable. My not "being able to choose" the polygamist lifestyle is a result of the way I'M hardwired, and I don't find it the least bit sad.
07/29/09
But all that talking an processing with him made me appreciate the folks who COULD make that situation work for them. Fact is, I'm too insecure, so I NEED monogamy, not the other way around.
07/30/09
And with that being said, I don't care how ppl choose to live their lives, just be honest with your SO about it.
07/29/09
Poly takes a lot of hard work - it's not for everyone.
As to "success", I know poly dyads that have been together for over 20 years (one that has been together for 40). I know of 12 year long triads. Yes - a lot of relationships tend to be more flexible or short lived - then again, I also know serial monogamists who can't stay in a relationship for more than 18 months before they get bored and move on leaving a string of broken hearts behind them.
There are damaged people in the poly world, and in the monogamous world.
There are healthy people in both these worlds too.
They key is to finding people you work with well, and talking about the expectations you have, renegotiating when things change, and working on your issues together and alone.
FWIW: I am married to my partner of 7 years. I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 1 year (he was local and now he's long distance). My husband is dating my boyfriend's lover, and has a friend with benefits - both of whom *I* encouraged him to start up with because I really like both women, and they are sane and experienced in poly, and generally really cool. My BF has two new partners in his new location. The hardest part for me, has been the fact that I miss my BF now that he's 3000 miles away. Which would be true if we were monogamous anyway.
07/29/09
07/30/09
07/29/09