Hillary Clinton Is Most Admired Woman of the Year for the 18th Time

According to a Gallup poll conducted at the beginning of the month, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are the Most Admired Man and Woman of 2013. This comes as a surprise to pretty much no one, as 1) presidents are pretty much always given the title, and 2) both Obama and Clinton have won for the past few years. In… » 12/30/13 2:10pm 12/30/13 2:10pm

By the Way, Lots of Dudes Aspire to Be Dads

Yes, yes — we all know that the highest calling for women in fascist countries is to birth beautiful, stout baby-soldiers for the State, but a new, conveniently-timed Father’s Day poll suggests that lots of men want to be dads one day. In fact, just about as many men as women aspire to carefully guide an infant human… » 6/16/13 4:00pm 6/16/13 4:00pm

90% of Americans Don't Think They're Hipsters (All Hipsters Say That)

No one wants to admit they're a hipster and why would they? As a term, the only thing we can agree on is that it's negative, but other than that the definition is wishy-washy and constantly changing to suit whatever qualities the word's user is trying to detract from. In fact, in a recent poll, only 10% of the… » 5/14/13 2:20pm 5/14/13 2:20pm

There Are Apparently Some Americans Who Think Romney 'Favors the Poor'

According to some NBC poll, two percent of those surveyed think that Romney's economic policies favor the poor. I know it's a small number but still EXSQUEEZE ME?? Who are these two percent? A slightly intoxicated Scrooge McDuck who decided it would be fun to fuck with the pollsters? James Spader in Pretty in Pink?… » 11/06/12 10:30pm 11/06/12 10:30pm

Poll: What Kind Of Self Tanner Do You Think Mitt Romney Uses?

Rumor has it that Mitt Romney's weirdly inconsistent skin color is due to the fact that the candidate has been getting spray-tanned on the regular. This got us wondering...what self tanner does Willard Mitt Romney use? So we're taking a very scientific poll. » 10/25/12 4:00pm 10/25/12 4:00pm

Mitt Romney has taken pains to project the image of a man…

Conservative Group’s For-Sure ‘Unbiased’ Poll Reveals That New Yorkers…

New York, as in the city where dreams are dreamed, nourished, and unceremoniously flattened by overloaded subway cars and undermining drinking partners named Slack, recently launched a pilot program to freely and discreetly dispense the emergency contraception pill Plan B in 13 schools across the city. Soon after the… » 10/21/12 2:30pm 10/21/12 2:30pm

Survey: Not All LGBT Americans Are Neil Patrick Harris

A massive poll released by Gallup today reveals some truths about the American LGBT community that might shock and upset people who like to imagine that television is real life: contrary to prime time network tropes, people who identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transsexual are more likely to be… » 10/19/12 5:45pm 10/19/12 5:45pm

Poll Shows That Nobody Thinks Scientology Is a Real Thing and Celebrity…

A new 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll has revealed some interesting truths about Americans and either/or question-posing. An overwhelming majority of respondents haughtily said that Scientology (which, despite its high-profile celebrity devotees, has resonated with less than 100,000 Americans and has been likened to a… » 10/02/12 2:10pm 10/02/12 2:10pm

Fare Thee Well? Michele Bachmann Suddenly in Danger of Losing Her…

After unseating herself from the cool Republicans' table earlier this month with accusations that Huma Abedin knew someone who knew someone who was friends with a guy who once heard that someone he sat next to at an Applebee's was involved with the Muslim Brotherhood, Michele Bachmann might very well lose her… » 9/11/12 9:30am 9/11/12 9:30am

Americans Are Split Almost Exactly Down the Middle About Abortion Rights

According to some cobbled-together polling data, the American electorate has been cleaved almost perfectly in half over the issue of abortion rights, though some analysts believe that many of those nominally pro-life voters think that abortion, ruffle their feathers though it may, should be legal. » 8/24/12 2:50pm 8/24/12 2:50pm