It is a horror show outside right now in most of the eastern U.S., but for some guys over at the Cincinnati Zoo, the fun has just begun.
It's time we admitted something: In the vast swaths of the country where it remained bitterly cold all winter, all anybody did was chow down and screw around, with perhaps the occasional binge-watching break. The evidence: babies. Lots and lots of babies.
After giving us an exceedingly cold and snowy winter, the Weather Gods are blessing Chicago and other parts of the Midwest/Northeast with unseasonably cool weather later this week. Think mild and pleasant mid-September temperatures, rather than hot and humid mid-July ones.
All of this polar vortex nonsense might have you at your wit’s end, but for the kids who shovel driveways, it's baller season.
Toes: Cold. Fingers: Numb. Body: Shivering. It's polar vortex time in the workplace. And guess what? You're burning calories.
Today in what the fuck is wrong with people, someone moving out of a Brooklyn building left their cat behind with two small cans of cat food. In a hallway. In 5 degree weather, amidst the polar vortex. Honestly, WHO does shit like this? Oh and it got worse for kitty before it got better.
Yes, despite what some people might think, we are definitely experiencing some phenomenally unusual weather patterns this year.
Oh Jesus Christ. In news I couldn't make up if I was four days into an Ambien and LSD-induced fugue state, fucking Rush Limbaugh thinks the polar vortex that has basically been making your life a living hell is a Liberal hoax.
If you tried to fly over the past week, chances are you spent hours or days trapped in an airport, slowly going insane. This is because relying on airplanes for transport into or out of cold climates during January is the height of foolishness, and unless I have to, I'm never going to do it again. It's a half-miracle…
Judging by Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, every news headline, and the feeling of morbid, animal fear I felt when I put my face close to the window, it's ball-shriveling, ovary-freezing, nose-blackeningly cold outside today. So how the fuck are you supposed to dress? Elaborately.
This is some Game of Thrones Long Winter shit right here. WBEZ Chicago posted this on their Facebook page last night:
Good news, poors! Just in time for one of the worst winters ever, Congress decided to make your life even shittier!
Thanks to Canada failing to sufficiently warm up a big blanket of freezing air descending southward from the Arctic, for much of the lower 48 states, the next couple of days are going to be colder than Jack Frost's butt plug. Some of the forecasted wind chills are so cold they're almost unfathomable — unless you grew…