All Your Food Is Poisoned. Do Not Eat Any of the Food.

Sorry in advance if you were planning on eating food today, but I've got some bad news. LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS FULL OF POISON AND/OR FECES. Your food is trying to kill you. "But Lindy," you might say, "Not eating the food will surely kill me as well. It is known as starvation, and it's really bad for you." To which I… » 5/22/14 5:50pm 5/22/14 5:50pm

Brittany Murphy's Mom Refutes Poison Claims in Scathing Open Letter

Sharon Murphy, Brittany Murphy's mom, has finally broken her silence after the late actress's father claimed that independent lab tests showed evidence of poisoning and foul play. In an emotional open letter, Murphy says his revelations "are based on the most flimsy of evidence and are more of an insult than an… » 11/25/13 11:50am 11/25/13 11:50am

Resourceful Woman Attempts to Kill Husband With Vagina Poison

While I realize that I'm not in a position to give you unsolicited relationship advice, I am going to go ahead and do it anyway. If you ever find yourself thinking that you might want to kill your significant other, first and foremost, don't do it. Take some time, cool your head, go get help. Murder is almost always… » 1/30/13 10:50am 1/30/13 10:50am

In Breaking Booze News, Birds Are Totally Down to Party

Birds, as you may or may not already be aware, love to party, and by "party" I of course mean eat fermented rowan berries until they die from alcohol poisoning. According to a Saturday report in the British Medical Journal's Veterinary Record, drunk birds react pretty much exactly as drunk people, if people had wings… » 11/04/12 4:01pm 11/04/12 4:01pm

Activists Want Tuna Taken Off School Lunch Menus After Mercury Levels…

Out of all the foods that could be full of neurotoxins and dolphin ghosts—why does it always have to be tuna? Delicious, delicious tuna. Tuna is a wonder-food that comes either in a can or in a fish. The canned kind is cheap, and is where tuna melts come from, which makes it a national treasure. The fish kind is… » 9/20/12 4:00pm 9/20/12 4:00pm

Man Refuses to Pay Attention to Woman; She Poisons Him Slowly With Eye…

No no no no no no no no, it's okay. It's okay, little lamb. I mean, it's not really okay, but it's not what you think. The Pennsylvania woman in question, whose name is Vickie Mills, didn't sneak poison into the man's eye drops (AAAGGHH, MY EYES!!!)—it turns out, the poison is the eye drops. Vickie admitted to… » 8/13/12 5:00pm 8/13/12 5:00pm

Kids Can't Stop Eating Those Brightly-Colored Laundry Detergent Packets

It's not often that you look at a cleaning product and think, "Mmm, that looks delicious," but that's exactly what kids have been doing since those handy new detergent packets came on the market in March. Poison control centers have noticed a particularly huge uptick in the number of kids who've eaten them in recent… » 6/28/12 10:00am 6/28/12 10:00am

Buying Cheap Jewelry Could Have Deadly Consequences

Oh, we all thought we were so clever, buying cheap but cute necklaces and colorful bracelets at places like Forever 21, Target, and Claire's. Sure they might make our outfits look better for a very low price, but it turns out these pieces of crappy jewelry might also be poisoning us. Grr. Looks like it's time to admit… » 3/20/12 7:00pm 3/20/12 7:00pm

Baby Formula: The Next Frontier in Arsenic's Battle to Exterminate Us

We already knew that rice was trying to kill us with its deadly arsenic, but now the situation is looking even more dire. A new study done at Dartmouth has found that organic brown rice syrup—a sweetener which you may recognize from any number of organic snacks—is also a source of arsenic. This isn't that surprising,… » 2/16/12 11:55pm 2/16/12 11:55pm

Add 'Rice' To The List of Foods That Will Kill You

New research from the Department of Creating Concern has found that people who eat more rice have elevated levels of arsenic in their bodies. This bodes especially poorly for pregnant women and people who enjoy nothing more than a big bowl of rice washed down by a glass of arsenic-laden apple juice. If you do this,… » 12/06/11 3:15pm 12/06/11 3:15pm