Oh man, I was just sitting here feeling all despairing about how the only thing I could find for a lede was that Snooki had a Great Gatsby-themed bridal/baby shower and I was trying to think of some jokes about, like, a ball pit only instead of balls it's shirts and a champagne fountain shaped like a wet diaper and a…

According to Jon "The Town" Cryer's ex-wife, their 13-year-old son is being humiliated by a roving pack of James Spaders at his rich-kid school, so she needs $88k a month to buy him some new jodhpurs and a man-tiara or whatever the fancies are wearing these days. I kid, though—in actuality she claims her custody has…

Earlier this week, it was announced that Jersey Shore's Pauly D is the father of a five-month-old baby girl he's never met. He's since filed court documents seeking full custody, claiming the baby's mother, Amanda Markert—with whom he had a one-night stand in Vegas—is unfit because she once worked at Hooters.

Pauly D impregnated a woman and now there's a little baby girl, a few months old, crawling around near the Jersey shore. The mother filed court documents to officially establish paternity, but according to TMZ, Pauly already took a DNA test to find out if the child is his and the results came back as: "Yeeeeeah buddy!"

In today's Tweet Beat, Pauly D shoved his iPhone privilege in our faces, Rihanna teased everyone about her sexy sex dreams and Pink had an unpleasant exchange.

If a sexually-dissatisfied Southern woman happens to be on the lam with her friend, she can no longer count on glistening young cowboy drifter Brad Pitt to make the fuck with her. Why? Because he doesn't do onscreen sex scenes anymore, out of respect for Angelina Jolie, and she does the same for him.

Unfortunately, The Year That Love Died appears to be extending into 2013: Actress, vocal feminist and possible Kentucky senatorial candidiate Ashley Judd and her husband, three-time Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti, are divorcing after eleven years of marriage, which is like a golden anniversary in celebrity years.

I think it was Tolstoy who wrote, "Happy families are all alike, but Kardashians are all different kinds of bacterial strains of fame-grubber." Here is their Christmas card, which features dearly departed Persian kitten Mercy (RIP) sitting unhappily in something that looks like it came from Ikea and is maybe called a…

Pippa Middleton's been hanging out in New York with Andre Balazs and Roger Federer but, ultimately, the highlight of Pippa's stay here came when she and Chace Crawford "didn't party together, but spoke for 10 minutes." About what? About conditioners?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having a big, expensive party at their French chateau this weekend and everyone is speculating they're going to get married even though they said it's being thrown in honor of Brad's parents Bill and Jane. "There's a real buzz around the estate," said their good friend Anonymous Source.

Last week we got excited for The Choice, the show that's basically The Voice meets The Bachelor meets The Dating Game. The concept: Celebrities sit in chairs, with their backs to potential dates, and pull a "love handle" to turn around if they like what they hear. Today, the stars involved have been announced, and…

If we know anything about Sarah Silverman it's that she loves abortions. This is most clearly evidenced by the fact she's responsible for the best termination-related montage we're likely to witness during our lifetime. SS, fully aware of the War on Women, decided to sneak in a quick one in case someone pulls the plug…

Fan favorite Gabourey Sidibe was on this morning's Live! With Kelly, where she, after doing the running man and forcing germaphobe Howie Mandel into a hug, told Jersey Shore's Pauly D that she was a grenade (a.k.a. an ugly girl) who was more than down to fuck.

We haven't heard much from Amanda Bynes lately, but early this morning she crashed back into the news by getting busted for a DUI. Bynes, who's looking fairly composed in her mugshot and seems to be sporting the pale pink dye job that's all the rage right now, was arrested in West Hollywood after she did the dumbest…

Did your ears just perk up? Did your spine feel a slight tingle? Don't worry, it's not the dangerous solar storms that are racing toward Earth; it's because a new Cute Couple Alert has just been issued. Amanda Seyfried is dating Josh Hartnett, and it turns out they've been secretly together since January. How have…

Depending on how much you watch the show, Jersey Shore's transformation of a few unknown guidos and guidettes into an international fame plague was either the best thing or the worst thing ever to happen to entertainment. Now comes the good (or bad) news that the same company that unearthed Snooki and Pauly D is…

Remember last week, in the season four finale when Pauly D detailed his plans for when he got back to the states? His exact, excited words went like so: "I can't wait to go tanning, I'm gonna go tanning, then I'm gonna go tanning, then I'm gonna go tanning, then I'm gonna go to the gym, then I'm gonna do laundry."…

If last week's episode was all about seeing how much Italians hate the Jersey Shore, this week's finale refuted that blow by showing just how excited the Shore kids were to go home to their beloved Jersey. As Pauly D so frankly put it, "I'm real excited to get back to Seaside. I can't wait to go tanning, I'm gonna…