Have you ever wondered if Jennifer Aniston finds you boring, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you're kind of pretentious, or Kim Kardashian wonders why you even got hired in the first place?

Despite all the joy The Onion has brought us, we occasionally rue the day they became the arbitrators of intelligent satire. Because sometimes, like when the joke can be reduced to lulz ugly women!, it's just not that funny. [TheOnion]

I was ready to make a health-conscious life change on the basis of this report until I heard: "New Orleans doctors also strongly advise that young women expose their breasts to screaming crowds at least once a year." [Onion]

Progress: They has it! Click through to see the Onion's hard-hitting reporting on East Timor's first female dictator and to be "terrified and oppressed by one of our own," who (natch) has a feminine side. [Onion]

"A valuable commodity with seemingly endless uses, the woman has played a crucial role throughout human history...disobedience on the part of women was not taken lightly; physical punishments and restrictive harnesses were often employed to curb any independent behavior." [TheOnion]

Nancy Drew's squeaky-clean image has finally been tarnished: it appears that Ms. Drew may have planted evidence, the Onion radio news reports. [Onion]

Fresh from The Onion news channel: porn is (wrongly) teaching kids that sex can be enjoyable. Also, Grand Theft Auto fails to teach children about "the emotional side of killing whores." [The Onion]