To the senior citizens of Pleasant Pointe Assisted Living Home,

There’s a fight brewing in Long Island that would make the stars of Grumpy Old Men guffaw — except this geriatric beef is about softball, tampering with prescriptions and involves a lawsuit.

It's been definitively proven on this very site that nothing is better than sex, not even chocolate. But for old people, that might not be the case. A new study has found that chocolate might make them harder, better, faster stronger – at least in the brain.

When I was in high school and college, I worked at a nursing home, and when there was no more Boggle to be played or Jello to be eaten, residents loved watching Fox News, hours and hours of men yelling and attractive, smart blonde women pretending to be dumb and concerned.

To paraphrase the Palm d'Or-winning film Shrek, old people are like onions — they have a specific smell, they add necessary flavor and you never know what's under each layer. This woman, reportedly a grandma, walked into the Coalition Drum Shop in La Crosse, Wisconsin, played rock drums like a member of Mötley Crüe…

Pearl Cantrell celebrated her 105th birthday this week. Having outlived three of her seven children as well as her husband, she's lived a long and fruitful life. Her daughter Anno says that even after a 100 years, Pearl is still very active and loves to dance. Though the Texan woman's optimistic outlook on life and…

Agnes Zhelesnik started her teaching career when she was 82 years old. She just turned 99, and CNN reports that over the last 17 years, she's had a "huge impact" on her students' lives. Ms Zhelesnik — affectionately called "Granny" at school, teaches cooking, sewing and costume-making. Her daughter, a 69-year-old …

Wait, speaking multiple languages keeps your brain young? Goddamnit. The closest I ever came to learning a second language is that my mom speaks passable Norwegian when she's drunk (I suppose I'm glad my childhood wasn't one long Drunkmomwegian immersion program), which means that I am impenetrably, painfully…

Today, China's national legislature passed a new law that, once enacted, will require citizens to visit their elderly parents "often," or go to court. This law is so, so ripe for 1980's style stand up jokes about mothers in law, or a very special episode of Married... With Chidren where someone gets bumped on the head…

Getting older is pretty much the scariest thing. We gain weight, our skin sags, our bones hurt, and our brains get weird. It's totally dumb! I am against it! That's why there are a million billion products (I counted) dedicated to preserving youth, and people do crazy shit like rub butterfly placenta on their faces…

New research shows that children of men who fathered them later in life may be able to expect to live longer than those of us whose fathers were young. But don't run into a nursing home with your pants around your ankles and arms outstretched just yet — the "older dad, longer life" principle only seems to apply to…

French parfumier Jean-Paul Guerlain was fined 6,000 euros this week for making racist comments in a televised interview. When discussing his famous Samsara fragrance (a "heady oriental fragrance featuring main notes of jasmine and sandalwood"), Guerlain said, "And for once I started working like a nigger. I don't know…