Naomi Campbell Has "Pancake Bosoms," Rihanna Has "Saucer Nips" And Kristin Cavallari "Ruins" Pictures By Wearing A Bra

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we accuse gossip bloggers of Crimes Against Womanity. We do this because the gossip industry is sexist, and only getting worse. These people are paid to write "gossip" but, 99% of the time, the words they use to go with celebrity pictures denigrate, critique, belittle and objectify women. This week: Breasts. They're too flat, they're too big, they're too good, their areolas are not good enough. Plus! This is a "very special" episode of Missdemeanors, as you shall see. The continued degradation of female celebrities, after the jump. More »

Miley Cyrus Is A "Whore," Eva Longoria Is "Fat" & "Ugly People" Should Live In A Concentration Camp

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, Eva Longoria is fat and Miley Cyrus is a slut. That's all anyone wanted to blog about...really. (Remember ladies! In gossip blog land you can never be too thin or too virginal.) As usual, the continued degradation of female celebrities and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

Liv Tyler Is A "FatAss," Jessica Biel Is A "Dog," Lindsay Lohan Is A "Global Whore"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors! This is where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, Liv Tyler is fat; Jessica Biel is a dog; Brooke Hogan is a yeti; and Jennifer Love Hewitt's body makes one blogger sigh, "Oh, dear." As usual, bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

Harlow Madden Has A "Big, Pasty Head"; Britney's "Ass Is Growing A Beard"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors! This is where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, Christie Brinkely wasn't satisfying her husband; Sienna Miller has three holes; Harlow Madden looks "unfortunate"; Rachel Hunter looks like a "Lesbian Lumberjack Circus Clown" and Britney's ass.... well, she seems to have some hair on it. As so many humans,male or female. Of course, if you're male and the only naked woman you have ever seen was in a porn film, you won't know this. Anyway, folks: It's been another great week of "writing" "gossip" on the Internet. Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

"[Alli Sims] Is So Fuckin' Doughy You Wouldn't Be Surprised If You Walked In On Britney Trying To Eat Her Leg"

Welcome back to our weekly examination of the Crimes Against Womanity committed by gossip bloggers and the virtual wristslaps we issue out to our grammatically and creatively-challenged web friends. In this edition, we give Alli Sims (Britney's former assistant and aspiring pop-star), Brooke Hogan, Jennifer Garner, Britney Spears, and Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya. More »

"This Chick Used To Be So Cute. Now She Looks Like She’s Halfway Through A Sex Change. "

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. These week the "writers" of these celebrity blogs call Jessica Simpson and Hilary Duff 'fat', Tila Tequila a 'whore', and Camila Alves (Matthew McConaughey's pregnant girlfriend) is a "maid" getting "preferential treatment" because of her ethnicity. After the jump, we punish the blogerati for their idiocy. Let the Jezebel justice system begin! More »

Lily Allen Is "Tubby And Party-Hat Nippled"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. You know, we rage against the celebrity blogger machine every week for being anti-female, but maybe we should rage against them more frequently for being anti-funny. Because seriously? These people make the same. Jokes. Every. Damn. Week. Pregnant women are [insert word for "fat" here]; Paris Hilton is [insert term for "slut" here]. It's like playing misogynist madlibs with these fools. If they're going to be jerks, the least they could do is be moderately creative. But alas! Join us in applying some much deserved Jezebel justice to these cliché cocks, after the jump. More »

"Hot Young Models Are Lining Up For One Night In That Dusty Old Snatch"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors! This is where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Some readers ask why we do this, since, quite often, the same damn blogs are always listed. Well, we received an email from DailyBlogTips.com, naming the Top 25 Celebrity Blogs. These are some of the most profitable blogs on the internet. On the list: Perez Hilton, TMZ, The Superficial, WWTDD, Egotastic and Dlisted. We have no problem with them making money; we have a problem with them making money off of sexist and misogynist writing. As long as they write effed up posts, we'll call them on it. This week, Kim Cattrall is a "weathered old hag," Brooke Hogan is "fugly," and Lindsay Lohan "will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis." It's been another great week of "writing" "gossip" on the Internet. Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

"I'm Surprised A Whale Didn't Bite Her Ankle & Pull Her Into The Ocean To Be Its Mate"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, rape jokes are back! Also, Britney is a manatee and a whale; Linda Hogan is a stripper; even Adam Sandler's 2-year-old daughter gets insulted. [W.T.F. -Ed.] Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

"She Looks Like Pocahontas, So If You're Thinking About Raping Her, You Can Say It Was Just For A History Project"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, "boys want" Christina Aguilera's boobs, someone would like to slice Lily Allen's belly and someone else offers rape tips. Another great week of "writing" "gossip" on the Internet! Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

"Her Baby Will Never See Its First Birthday Because It's Living In A Pair Of Bloody Panties"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, women get mocked for being too fat, for having cellulite, for being too fit and therefore not sexy, and, of course, for having a miscarriage. Plus! Excerpts from an interview with the man behind Drunken Stepfather. Bloggers continue to degrade female celebrity bodies, so we continue to punish them, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

"I Guess Her Legs Finally Gave Out From The Weight Of Her Testicles"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, everyone is a transvestite, according to the usual offenders: Brooke Shields' "legs finally gaveout from the weight of her testicles", while Khloe Kardashian and Brooke Hogan should "swap tips on shaving their testicles." Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »

"Let's Cut Off Jenna Jameson's Clit And See If It Grows Back"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Another great week of woman-bashing on the internet, you guys. Fergie's gender gets questioned — as does the gender of Julie Andrews. What has she ever done to anyone? Besides playing beloved icons Mary Poppins and Fraulein Maria? In addition: Denise Richards "used to be one of the hottest pieces of ass on earth," Kelly Clarkson is too fat to be naked and Kim Kardashian looks like a tranny call girl. Sigh. The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump. (And, because these sites rely on readers and suck the life out of them the way parasites rely on hosts, all sentences today will be parasitic infestations.) More »

"Not Even Her Milky Tits Can Hide The Fact That She's Almost The Size Of A Small Minivan"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Same circus, different clowns, you guys. Getting pregnant "ruins everything," Pink is "a dude" and Katherine Heigl "needs to work on her legs. The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump. (And, because someone picked on Brooke Hogan, all sentences today will be pro-wrestling moves.) More »

"Pregnancy Slowly Turns Even The Hottest Chicks Into Monsters"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. There was sooooo much bullshit this week, including a lovely diatribe about feminists by your friend Drunken Stepfather. Also! Pregnant women are "monsters," Sharon Stone "looks her age," Jennifer Love Hewitt has a "big ass" and so much more. Another great week of "writing" on the internet! The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump. More »

"George Clooney's Girlfriend Is A Slut"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week? Women are sluts, look like dudes, are probably on line for abortions and should get AIDS. Another great week of "writing" on the internet! The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump. More »

Ali Lohan Should "Replace Her Toothbrush With A Penis"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week was just annoying. The offenders were annoying, the crimes were annoying, and the fact that the same old crap — degradation of women in the name of "funny" or "edgy" blogging — keeps coming up again and again is super annoying. Monitoring Jessica Alba's workout habits, Sienna Miller being branded a slut and the sexualization of female celebs under 18 are just some of the reasons one can get SO ANNOYED. The accused, and the annoyances, after the jump. More »

"Almost Any Girl With A Dick In Her Mouth Could Be Mistaken For Lindsay Lohan"

Well, folks, another Friday, another shitty week in the gossip blog universe. It's simply amazing how many writers think trashing and insulting women is "funny." With that, we welcome you back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Let the Jezebel justice system begin! More »