Racists Are Being Hella Racist Because Miss America Isn't White

Earlier tonight, Miss New York, Nina Davuluri, an Indian-American woman born in Syracuse, was crowned the winner of the 2014 Miss America Pageant. Idiot racists got so mad, they started mixing up Indian, Indian-American, Arab, Muslim, and everything in between. It's (literarily) a most impressive display of dumb mixed… » 9/16/13 3:00am 9/16/13 3:00am

Spork Dresses and Smiles: The Ladies of Tonight's Miss America Pageant

It’s possible you may have been going about your business entirely unaware that one of those rare calendar events is upon us. Much like the appearance of Halley’s comet or the upcoming convergence of Thanksgiving and Chanukah, Sunday night marks the second Miss America pageant of 2013. » 9/15/13 5:15pm 9/15/13 5:15pm

GOP Asshat: Miss America Congressional Hopeful Like a 'Street Walker'

Former Miss America Erika Harold, who we noted earlier this month was running for Congress in Illinois as a Republican, is already being forced to drink some strong haterade, even from within her own party. This week, a GOP Chairman criticized Harold's qualifications for office, lampooning Harold for supporting… » 6/21/13 4:00pm 6/21/13 4:00pm

Why Are So Many Miss America Winners from the South?

If you haven't been paying attention, the newest Miss America of 2013, Mallory Hagan, lives in Brooklyn. But before you get to reeling from the notion that the epicenter of "all things ironic and progressive" could produce something so quaint, so old-fashioned, so retrograde, take comfort in knowing that she's actually… » 1/18/13 6:00pm 1/18/13 6:00pm

Miss America Lives in Park Slope, Probably Owns $200 Yoga Pants and…

This past Saturday, Miss New York Mallory Hagan was crowned the winner at the 2013 Miss America Pageant, marking the first time a contestant from the Empire State has won since Vanessa Williams was given the title nearly 3 decades ago. Stranger still, Hagan doesn't hail from Poughkeepsie or Rochester (no offense to the … » 1/14/13 1:10pm 1/14/13 1:10pm

Miss Maryland's Resignation From Sorority Was Literally the Hardest…

Sometimes a girl has to pick between two different, totally-not-bad-at-all things, and she has to make that decision at a point in her life when every tribulation leading up to that moment has basically been prom hair and pillow fights and shopping mall foot fatigue and Psych 101, but because her life hasn't been hard, … » 7/18/12 4:20pm 7/18/12 4:20pm

The Strange Talents and Obscure Fears of This Year's Miss America…

Last night's Miss America pageant assembled some of the most esoterically talented women in the country on a single stage to dance ballet, sing opera, and try very hard not to blink under the blinding scrutiny of Kris Jenner. Though 52 of them have by this time today already sunk deep into the morass of ignominious… » 1/15/12 5:00pm 1/15/12 5:00pm

Miss Wisconsin Crowned the Cheesiest

Laura Kaeppeler was crowned Miss America last night by the C-list cabal of Kris Jenner, actress Teri Polo, and Dancing With the Stars judge Mark Ballas in a ceremony stripped of whatever former elegance it once boasted for the bloodsport format that so many self-flagellating amateur performers subject themselves to on… » 1/15/12 11:00am 1/15/12 11:00am

Man Generously Awards Scholarships, Creepily Spanks Recipients, Goes…

A man in Virginia has pled guilty to criminal actions associated with what he says is a scholarship program. Three women received money from the man to use for educational expenses, and in return, the man got to spank them when they "misbehaved." And you thought the Miss America pageant was a dubious scholarship program. » 12/08/11 6:45pm 12/08/11 6:45pm

Female Scientists Patiently Explain That Yes, Evolution is Real

Remember this summer, when Miss America contestants were asked if evolution should be taught in our schools, and everyone except for the pinko commie blue state beauty queens responded as though they were being interviewed for the position of news anchor on Fox & Friends, hemming and hawing as though they'd been asked… » 11/28/11 4:20pm 11/28/11 4:20pm