A matronly, 29-year old Amanda Seyfried thinks you younguns need to lay off the 'Grammin'.

In today's edition of Tweet Beat, Lisa Rinna wants Twitter to find out who keeps masturbating to Days of Our Lives and calling her, Patti Stanger seeks the rare fawns of Los Angeles, and Retta can't hold in her LOLs.

The new issue of Star magazine features an ad for Sensa, and the copy reads, "Patti Stanger's AMAZING NEW BODY." By "new," do they mean "stolen from someone else"? It sure looks like they pasted Stanger's face on the physique of a young model. Her neck is oddly long, her arms are strangely short, her hair is massive.…

Patti, Patti, Patti… Oy vey ismir. You are to dating and relationships what Sarah Silverman is to comedy. By nature of your personality alone, you force us to choose: We either love you or we (really) don't. And, Patti, I love you. Really, I do. In spite of your overzealous relationship with the flat iron, I think…

Esquire got Patti Stanger to evaluate the online dating profile of an anonymous man...who just happened to be Julian Assange. And she found the anonymous dude someone who'd "attract the diva-drama bitches." And the Russians.

Last night's episode of Millionaire Matchmaker featured a plus-size publicist named Robin. She's worth $1.7 million and in search of a Matthew McConaughey type. What happened to her was painful.

Patti Stanger claims to be a "highly successful third generation matchmaker" who is responsible for at least three-hundred marriages and five-hundred relationships. Her television show tells another story.

On last night's Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti decided to set up her friend Judith Regan, taking a particular interest in the moistness level of the media bigwig's vagina, referring to the desired effect—several times—as "juicy goosey." Apparently, mission accomplished.

On last night's episode, millionairess Leah McSweeney, founder of the streetwear company Married to the MOB, sought Patti Stanger's service, only to be told that the "good guys" aren't asking her out because—despite her feminine appearance—she's too "masculine."

It's become clear to me that what makes the Millionaire Matchmaker so valuable is not that she finds the perfect mates for her wealthy clients. Rather, she finds the imperfections in said clients and frankly—and sometimes brutally—addresses them.

Last night's Millionaire Matchmaker season premiere included nary a mention of Patti Stanger's recent breakup, but did we detect a veiled reference in her dressing-down of millionaire Derek Tabacco?

Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger ended her engagement Saturday — and with it, the dream that her simple matchmaking rules are a sure path to happiness.

Call it the Patti Stanger effect: "millionaire matchmakers'" biz is booming, even as other, non-ridiculous businesses flail and founder.

Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger loves essentialist gender roles and hates redheads. In the past I've accused her of not knowing shit about love. And yet despite all this, I've now come to love her.

The celebrity matchmaker on why her millionaire clients aren't matched with potential dates who have money. [WSJ]

• According to an unconfirmed report on an unreliable website and repeated by a newspaper, Beyoncé is pregnant.

[Los Angeles, October 4. Image via INFDaily.]

In a piece for n+1, Emily Gould shows us what you get when you take Millionaire Matchmaker as an exemplar of our culture's attitudes toward love and marriage. The results: kind of depressing.

Confession: I've read way too many dating books over the course of my adult life, seemingly compelled by some masochistic need to find out what people think makes for an attractive partner.

By any standard, Millionaire, Tough Love or otherwise, a matchmaker who's brought together 360 couples in under four years is a roaring success. And that's not even counting Choi Young-hee's contribution to diplomacy!