'A Half-Dozen Large Spiders': Extremely Grim Yelp Reviews of Exterminators

Welcome to Grim Yelp Reviews, a regular feature where we share people’s worst experiences at the worst places. This week: I feel itchy now and soon, so will you.
Guys, Scientists Incepted a Mouse. We're Next.
I'm not one to wear tin foil hats, but that's because silver's really not my color. But I'm willing to put that aside after reading this new study (But seriously, silver does NOTHING for my skin tone). Scientists at MIT have successfully created false memories in mice, according to a study released in the journal…
Don't Pierce The Shitbag: Adventures in Taxidermy
I was psyched when Brooklyn Tattoo artist and taxidermy artist
Sue Jeiven invited me to her Greenpoint apartment for a private class in anthropomorphic taxidermy—the preparation and display of dead animals in an humanlike elaborate mise-en-scene, complete with tiny human accoutrements and frocks. (All of the animals…
Watch These Mighty Mice Perform Amazing Tricks, Be Extremely Agile and Adorable
I love mice, they're so cute and smart, and they're much maligned and feared by humans even though we're the ones who terrorize them. Anyway, let's take a minute to appreciate how great these little ones are, and how we are all just crazy animals trying to survive on planet earth. I don't know what I'm saying but I…
Turns Out, Baby Blood Might Be the Actual Fountain of Youth
Great news, wicked queens of America! Your shit just got hella validated. New research out of Stanford University indicates that the brains of older mice can be rejuvenated by commingling their blood supply with the blood of young mice. Well, KAPOW. "Do I think that giving young blood could have an effect on a human?…
Babies Never Leave You, or at Least Their Cells Don't
You might think that once you give birth to a child that they're no longer a part of you physically—except, of course, for the complete control they retain over your heart and mind. Well, think again, because it turns out that during pregnancy some of their cells scatter in your body and stay there for years, maybe…
Eating Yogurt Turns Mice into Giant-Balled Seduction Machines
Oh my god. Can't we women just have one thing to ourselves without a pair of giant testicles swooping in and making it all about them? Last week I found out they're making push-up bras for your nutsack. Now it turns out that yogurt—our precious lady-nectar!—might make men's testicle-balls bigger, spermier, and covered…
Scientists Cure Peanut Allergy (In Mice)
Scientists were able to cure peanut allergies in mice by attaching peanut proteins to the mice's own cells and then putting the cells back in their bodies. This technique also worked with egg allergies. The technique hasn't been tested on humans yet, but at least now mice can enjoy delicious PB&J sandwiches.
Get Rid Of Rodents Before You Die Of The Plague
Rats and mice can be adorable if they are your well-behaved pet, or if they are singing cartoon characters in a heartwarming tale of one Russian mouse family who overcomes adversity while immigrating to New York City and later, Goes West. Otherwise, they're disgusting cesspools of disease, unwelcome interlopers in…
International Flight Cancelled Due To Mouse Sighting
A flight from Katmandu to Bangkok was cancelled when a mouse scurried out of the plane's pantry. Luckily, this happened while the plane was still on the ground, so the rodent did not cause havoc in the air. However, the plane will not be able to take off again until the mouse is found.
Scientists Discover The Fountain Of Eternal (Rodent) Youth
At any rate, they've discovered how to "reverse the aging process...dramatically." Human organs are in their sights.
