Chris Hemsworth Is So Big He Dwarfs Normal-Sized Penises

Chris Hemsworth, Australian hamburger, has a cameo in the new Vacation reboot as Leslie Mann’s nearly-naked, ultra-well-endowed husband. According to the movie’s writer-directors John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein, the process of equipping Hemsworth with his giant movie shlong was vaguely traumatizing. »7/30/15 9:30pm7/30/15 9:30pm

'If I Could Just Get Some Giraffe Meat': Hannibal's Food Stylist Speaks

Hannibal was recently cancelled by NBC, putting an ailing show out of its misery, as well as those of us who knew it started flailing after its first season yet were forced to read endless television critics blathering on about its supposed brilliance. (Seriously, guys; all the dark lighting and creepy sound effects… »6/23/15 7:10pm6/23/15 7:10pm

Brilliant Work of Art Proves Raw Meat Is Great at Using Tinder

In just two and a half years, Tinder has gone from quirky new app to one of the biggest online dating services in the world. Hilary Duff uses it. Leonardo DiCaprio uses it. “Swipe left” and “swipe right” have become synonymous with rejection and approval. And now it’s become the inspiration for Tender - a gorgeous and… »5/27/15 7:10pm5/27/15 7:10pm

4,000 Pounds of Beef Recalled for Mad Cow Disease, Some at Whole Foods

Another day, another two tons of beef-meat riddled with brain-eating prions! The USDA has ordered a recall of over 4,000 pounds of beef because of a "remote" risk of mad cow disease contamination. Some of the beef—which is in the form of bone-in ribeye roasts—was being sold at Whole Foods. Just another reminder that… »6/13/14 6:50pm6/13/14 6:50pm

Meaty New Study Plunges 'Steak' into 'Vegetarians are Healthier' Lie

Tired of all those studies that claim that being a vegetarian is healthier/will save the environment or whatever? You're in luck, blessed carnivores, for Austria's Medical University of Graz has published a study concluding that vegetarians in fact are less healthy and have a lower quality of life than us normals.… »4/02/14 7:10pm4/02/14 7:10pm

The In Vitro Burger is Here and it Tastes Like a 'Protein Cake'

As someone who has spent a small eternity inside of a White Castle at 2 am, I know the pains of waiting an extremely long time for a slab of seasoned ground-up meat. And now I can breathe a sigh of relief: the longest meat-wait in recent memory is finally over. After five years of research and months in the lab, … »8/05/13 10:25am8/05/13 10:25am

Science Finally Has Good Health News! Red Meat Will Totally, Probably Not Kill You

When news of a fancypants, cosmopolitan European study about the imminent health dangers of using your stomach as a processed meats repository, you most likely reacted the same way you do to all breaking-news health reports: you panicked, impetuously removing all of the meat-stuffs from your fridge and tossing them… »3/19/13 11:25am3/19/13 11:25am

Illinois Finally Cracking Down on the Sale of African Lion Meat

At long last Illinois is considering legislation to deal with its disquieting lion meat problem. Oh, you weren't aware that folks in Illinois were tearing into huge lion rib eyes at Fourth of July barbecues, washing down the gamey taste of proud African wildcat with onomatopoetic soft drinks and A1? Then you, my poor,… »3/10/13 12:00pm3/10/13 12:00pm