Three women were arrested for assaulting a McDonald’s employee last week in Bellevue, Ohio; two of them are seen smiling in their booking pics.

For the first time in his life, Donald Trump is a winner. How does he celebrate?

For a limited time, a select few McDonald’s locations will test a dish called “Gilroy Garlic Fries”—fries that are tossed with garlic, olive oil, parmesan cheese, and salt. Fun fact: my number one turn-on is having those ingredients whispered in my ear.

The Sausage & Egg McMuffin is the best thing that God has invented so far, and eating one is better than having an orgasm, even one when you’re fully clothed. But it turns out, those little ecstasy pucks are a tall order when they’re served in the afternoon.

Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor was deeply boring—the women are starting to feel more feelings, it’s hard to watch Ben get close to other people, etc etc.—but it did have one thing: an amazing plug for the little restaurant start-up, McDonald’s!

McDonald’s allegedly did a shitty thing? McDonald’s allegedly did a shitty thing!

Hello loyal Shade Court readers, I have some news that you probably will not like, but I believe will make us all stronger in the long run. I, Judge Brown, she who presides nobly over the high court of Shade, am retiring. This will be my last Shade Court post for the foreseeable future. Anything can change—perhaps…

It is so hard to come to terms with the fact that we aren’t babies anymore and can’t just suck on a tit for nourishment. McDonald’s Japan is maybe having a harder time with that realization than most.

No currently-legal profession takes more public crap for demanding to be treated like human beings than food service workers. Here’s how and why every single argument against them is complete horseshit.

If you know your argument that restaurant owners universally revile the idea of an increased minimum wage is complete bullshit, that’s still OK! You can just make shit up, as one of the main restaurant industry lobbyists recently did.

Look, I’m mad about the fact that McDoubles cost $1.29 now, too, but some things are just too far.

“Hey, you know what you should try? Ordering off the SECRET MENU, bro. Like, ask for a McChicken, but instead of the chicken, get them to put, like, a McFlurry on there! #lifehack #yolo #iamlungcancerinhumanform”

This story is literally Old Man Yells At Plastic Toy. Strap in.

Pictured above: what McDonald’s desperately wishes it was offering.

On Friday, Chipotle announced they’d soon be offering sick days, paid vacation, and tuition reimbursement for all employees—not just salaried workers.

The Washington Post published a bizarre op-ed from writer/director/actor/natural brunette James Franco today. It’s about McDonald’s. Franco is saddened by restaurant’s current slump and wanted let everyone know that he hopes the golden arches can successfully rejuvenate sales. Why? Because he worked there for three…

Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which Ellie shares her gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person. In Ellie’s place, I will ask today’s most important question.

It’s a tale as old as time: a fast food restaurant and an American fall in love; the American becomes unhealthy and vows to change his or her ways; the fast food restaurant taps experts to ensure its customers aren’t going anywhere; the cycle continues.