The walking dead could be heading into your orifices right now! PLEASE NOTE: This undead dong is NSFLOU (not safe for living or undead). Read… 11/27/13 1:35pm 11/27/13 1:35pm

Your favorite illicit website, PornHub, attempts to answer this question with an interactive infographic that shows significant traffic drops/spikes in various countries during major holidays and other seminal events. Read… 11/26/13 5:55pm 11/26/13 5:55pm

Are you laying in front of the TV, resting your laptop on your stomach while you munch on Sabor de Soledad and mainline The Good Wife? Excellent; let me join you. No, wait, I mean: get off your ass and let's make us some vibrators! Read… 10/20/13 8:30pm 10/20/13 8:30pm

Conservatives are very upset that a Wisconsin school district has reasonable guidelines for answering elementary schoolers' questions about masturbation without shaming them or sticking their fingers in their ears. Read… 8/26/13 6:20pm 8/26/13 6:20pm

We can all agree that Judy Blume is the basically the wisest scribe in all of contemporary literature, but if some of you still are still in disagreement, this latest interview in which she explains why banning kids from reading certain books makes zero sense should sway you. Read… 8/16/13 9:30am 8/16/13 9:30am

A teenage girl claims a passenger spent "long periods" of a six-hour fight "masturbating and exposing his penis" without being stopped by flight staff — who knew exactly what was up but declined to move her to another seat or, like, tell him to put his junk back in his pants before takeoff and landing. Read… 5/31/13 1:30pm 5/31/13 1:30pm

Have you ever hated Michele Bachmann so much that you just want to furiously diddle yourself? Now you have a legitimate excuse to do so. Publishing company Badlands Unlimited will be releasing an erotic book based on the fiery politician for a sweaty, sticky, hot summer read. Read… 5/22/13 9:40am 5/22/13 9:40am

If you're a man (or know a man) who can't get through breakfast without ejaculating into his (or your) Cheerios, there's a possible solution on the market. The very first FDA-approved penis-numbing spray is called Promescent — which just sounds like "prom scent", but whatever — and it promises to slow things down for… Read… 3/14/13 1:15pm 3/14/13 1:15pm

But what do you care? You still have your #1 main squeeze, masturbation; you're gonna be just fine! Read… 3/04/13 1:35pm 3/04/13 1:35pm

I don't know how we missed this, but it's the best thing that is or has ever been on the internet or in the world. Read… 2/27/13 11:45pm 2/27/13 11:45pm

I know, I don't understand, either. But, in the wise words of Busey, just picture it like you're in a romantic movie, but it's just you and your body parts. OK, I can do that! Read… 1/25/13 10:00am 1/25/13 10:00am

A banner reading "China's first jack-off competition" welcomed participants and voyeurs alike to, well, China's first jack-off competition. The public display of self affection went down in Shenzhen, China, on Dec. 1, World AIDS Day. It was sponsored by sex toy manufacturer Aihuirun.com, who said the event was… Read… 12/06/12 12:40pm 12/06/12 12:40pm

"Am I a bad feminist because this makes me VERY UNCOMFORTABLE?" I asked my coworkers before sending them this story from NY Mag's The Cut about attending a women-only masturbation class with "Lilith Fair, hippie vibes." Read… 11/08/12 3:00pm 11/08/12 3:00pm

Remember the good ol' days when you could just attend to your urges on public transportation and nobody said boo to you? Crap, piss, saliva, semen, anything goes — those were the days. Except that they really weren't, and it appears that we're still in them. One of the latest reports of such a crime comes from San… Read… 10/05/12 9:20am 10/05/12 9:20am

Self-diddling ladies, rejoice. Finally, there exists a bar that caters to your unique interests, something you didn't even know you needed — a tavern where the walls are lined with dildos rather than liquor bottles and ladies are free to gather and discuss how they like touching their own clitorises. Guess which… Read… 10/01/12 1:15pm 10/01/12 1:15pm

Dear All The Single Ladies: Have you ever fretted that there's something weird and/or running through your veins that's stopping you from getting a partner? Well, stop worrying! Because there is, and it is making you want to hiss and throw seaweed at anyone who comes near you so that you can go home and wank in… Read… 6/23/12 12:30pm 6/23/12 12:30pm

Hoh hoh hohhh!!! Bonjour! New anthropological findings suggest that horny French cavemen may have been just as into dirty pictures as any modern houseman. An excavation of a rock shelter in the Vezere River valley has turned up some illustrations that anthropologists are calling ''the oldest evidence of any kind of… Read… 5/15/12 4:30pm 5/15/12 4:30pm

A memo entitled "RE: MASTURBATION IN SHOWERS," written by one "P. Rogers," Director of Penn Residential Services, on official University of Pennsylvania letterhead has been circling around Facebook and Twitter today. It reads: Read… 4/06/12 2:10pm 4/06/12 2:10pm

Undaunted by the monumental failure of Personhood USA's push to declare fertilized human eggs exactly the same as grown ass adults in Mississippi, conservatives in Oklahoma have pushed forward with their own Personhood Bill. But one Democratic smartass isn't having it, and she finds the whole thing so absurd that she… Read… 2/07/12 4:30pm 2/07/12 4:30pm

The Googlher wants to make your web-browsing experience a little more like this: Log on to Google. Mmm. Sign in to Gmail. Ahhh. Click 'Compose Email.' Ohhhh... Hit 'Send'. *Fireworks* Yes, the Googlher is a vibrator that plugs into your computer through a USB port that pulsates every time Google pings your browser.… Read… 10/12/11 2:10pm 10/12/11 2:10pm

This weekend, something pretty disgusting and criminal happened to me, but the police didn't seem to care. After a friend's shabbos party, I swiped into the turnstile and paid the Metropolitan Transit Authority the $2.25 they've decided it costs to transport me safely home. It was late, and when I got down the… Read… 9/07/11 4:30pm 9/07/11 4:30pm