nosplice:3

Senator Bob Casey Crowns Barack Obama Savior Of Pennsylvania Fetuses!

Some days I love Pennsylvania. Like: I love how the Victorian liquor laws actually mean good wine is cheaper there. I love how they still have a mob. I love how no one in Pennsylvania would tell you that being a state senator is no big whup. I love how I would regularly bite into a Tastykake from the office vending machine wherein the filling had essentially fermented from lack of preservatives. Where else would the black reform-minded mayor of Philly endorse Hillary Clinton? Where else would you get Amish coke traffickers selling to motorcycle gangs? And where else would the Catholic white pro-life political scion machine-made senator suddenly decide to embark on a hope-filled bus trip with the black socialist candidate? I'll bet he was just "inspired." Pennsylvania: it's the "Everything Seems Possible Where Nothing Is Possible" state. Megan and I discuss that and The Iraq, along with whether Condi Rice is black, whether John McCain is smart, whether Hillary can ...blah blah. Happy Friday! Click for that and hot Efraim's MySpace profile and more Green Zone/T-Zone analogies. Oh, and an EXCLUSIVE dispatch from an Obama speech to rich people.
More »

news roundup

Really, Eliot? You Interfaced With This?

• Commenting on an Eliot Spitzer whore scandal is vaguely as exciting than reading about the intricacies of trade negotiations — and also, somewhat less important — but I had to point out this quote from a source close to Kristin "Billie" Davis (who "hails from a rough-in-tumble California trailer park.") "She personally interfaced with Spitzer a number of times." Wow, "interface." That used to be corporate jargon for "talked to" and now it is being used to denote... bareback anal. [NYP]
  
• "His sex appeal lies in being a successful businessman and politician. Women like a guy who is in control, and a man who knows what he wants." That's the editor-in-chief of Playgirl on why she'd like to land Eliot Spitzer for a cover shoot incorporating a young woman in a Girls Gone Wild T-shirt. I know; you're creaming just thinking of interfacing with it right? [US]
  
• Wait, speaking of: raunchy outtakes from the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog are now being sold as a $200 "art" book. [NYP]
  
• Wait, no, really speaking of, Barack Obama was interviewed by Maria Bartiromo, who tried to paint him as some sort of Hugo Chavez character by baiting him with a question about the Fed's bailout of Bear, to which he said, "Well, I wasn't privy to Bear Stearns' balance sheet." He doesn't sound like a socialist! [CNBC]

More »

crappy hour

Pat Buchanan Thinks You Should Be More Thankful For Slavery, Barry Obama

Pat Buchanan is entreating the black people of America to be more grateful to America bringing them here in "slave ships." I mean, they got welfare and methadone maintenance and forced Christianity and eventually the right to consider themselves fully human! Where is the gratitude, black people? And no, that is not my word; it's all Pat's. And the news of the day does not get much more uplifting. Remember that guy who founded that (ingeniously named, I might add) anti-Hillary 527 Citizens United Not Timid? Speaking of cunts he outed Eliot Spitzer because they fuck some of the same ones, which is to say those of high class whores, and also he has a tattoo of Richard Nixon. Cunts are a theme today actually, because the Washington Post spent 24 hours following the 24-hour news cycle on the day Jane Fonda said the word "cunt" on TV, an exercise that seemed profoundly depressing, and speaking of depressing 4,000 Americans have officially given their lives to the Iraq and the only uplifting thing is that Peggy Noonan found Obama's speech uplifting. She actually sat there and thought, Go America, Go. Was it the first and last time in our adult lives any of us will have that thought? Hint: Likely! Megan Carpentier of Glamocracy and I depress one another after the jump. Happy Easter folks! More »

jezenomics

Erin Burnett Teaches Us To Use Terrible World Events To Our Advantage: An Inspiring Story Of A Blogger And Her Collection Agent

CNBC's Money Honey 2.0 Erin Burnett is profiled in today's Washington Post. Fittingly, we read the story while waiting on hold with one of the lawyers hired by one of our loan shark creditors and pondering whether it would be worth the $20,000 signing bonus to just go to Iraq right now and post between car bombings and such. Anyway, the story elucidates why, despite being nowhere near as hot, Erin is fast displacing Maria as the world's preeminent hot chick who knows about money.

Asked on "Hardball" about the repeated recalls of Chinese-made toys, Burnett said: "If China were to revalue its currency, or China is to start making, say, toys that don't have lead in them or food that isn't poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up, and that means prices at Wal-Mart here in the United States are going to go up too."

Somehow she got ridiculed for this incendiary linking of (duh) cause with (duh) money-saving effect, but we were inspired: Erin was on TV, right before our eyes talking about the Fed and the European Central Bank and all those huge financial institutions' deep-set paranoia that all those debt-saddled consumers out there were just going to default en masse.... and we realized that, much like shoddy Chinese manufacturing standards, there just might be a silver lining in this market especially for us... More »

beauty kills brain cells

Can You Be Both Smart And Hot? Maria Bartiromo Makes The Case For "No"

Few types of women inspire as much antipathy — from jealous haters like us, anyway — as the insanely hot woman who is also being marketed to us as "smart." I am talking about Padma Lakshmi and Scarlett Johansson, and today more specifically CNBC "Money Honey" Maria Bartiromo, who has endured much hateration since she left all those bankers to fend for themselves on commercial out of Beijing so she and that banker dude could have the private jet to themselves, and then came home only to alienate all her co-workers by trademarking the phrase "Money Honey" and going soft on Condoleeza Rice. Now, Maria Bartiromo has the potential to be smart, but when you are as hot as Maria Bartiromo you are almost not allowed to be smart, because everyone is so amazed that someone as hot as you can even speak in full sentences. In the same way Penelope Cruz still can't really speak English because her hotness has given her a pass, Maria Bartiromo's hotness has bought her a smart pass, and this is bad for all women. Because it sets the smartness bar really low, as her recently-YouTubed dumb-as-rocks appearance on Celebrity Jeopardy conveys: More »

bambi francisco

Bambi Franciso's Ethical Scandal Somehow Unrelated To Sex

Savvy readers know that the phrase "ethical scandal" usually actually means "sex scandal" when a high-profile woman in corporate America is involved (ahem, CNBC Money Honey Maria Bartiromo, Wal-Mart ho Julie Roehm.) So as you can imagine, we scoured the stories on the strange departure of CBS Marketwatch columnist and Silicon Valley socialite Bambi Francisco for the libertarian arms of venture capitalist and Thank You For Smoking co-producer Peter Thiel for SOME mention of sex. And came up ... More »

finance roundup

Finance Roundup: It's A Lot Easier To Be Thin When You Are Rich: Our Personal Finance Roundup

Skip lunch, read these articles and kill two birds! As we went to press it was a kinda-whatever day in the markets, allegedly on bad home sales data — no surprise to all you readers whose minds are so deadened and perfume-addled from the April glossy gluttony that you shirked your womanly duties to read The Economist last weekend! Well yeah, that's probably just us. In the future, we'll post the internet's most fun financial stories here. Basically, because we need a break from Tyra. More »

maria bartiromo

Girl Crush: (Newly Single??) Maria Bartiromo

We are gay for Maria Bartiromo. Always have been. Even after she took that corporate jet to Shanghai and left all those poor bankers there so she could fly back with Todd alone. Even after we heard that someone else heard in Davos — haha, yeah, we actually know someone who goes to Davos! — that she was prego with Todd's baby. Even before we read what a great kisser she was as Jordached Catholic schoolgirl in Dyker Heights. And so it is with only the faintest twinge of our usual moral uprightness that we bid good fucking riddance to Jonathan Steinberg, the schlumpy spawn of some famous corporate raider from the eightiees that became Mr. Bartiromo in 2000. Steinberg apparently got so wracked with suspicion that his wife was cheating on him that he hired a detective. Who apparently had a January 23 issue of the Wall Street Journal couriered over pronto to Oblivious H!. More »