The Unequivocal Worst Songs of 2014

At the end of every year, it seems like our society is allowing more and more room for hot garbage to fill our pop charts. We say this not as haters of pop music—we are not one of those finger-waggy assholes who thinks that Katy Perry, for example, does not make "real" music because she doesn't write and produce all… » 12/19/14 2:10pm Friday 2:10pm

The Craze for Coconut Oil and Its Many Magical, Miracle Uses

What is a new day except a fresh opportunity to discover new uses for coconut oil? From beauty aid to bathtub scrub, oil of coconut will make you prettier, thinner, softer, suppler, and a better lover on account of how it will do all those others things. Soon, it will unlock the mystery of all diseases and the world… » 7/29/14 3:30pm 7/29/14 3:30pm

Gwyneth Paltrow Believes that Water Has Consciousness and Energy

Yay!!! GoopTalk™! Brand new GoopTalk™! Nothing gets me through a dreary Wednesday afternoon grind like Our Lady of Goop talkin' about stuff. This week on the mind of Goop: Water has feelings and if it gets grumpy it turns to poison! (Goop. Quick Q. Are you sure you aren't thinking of snakes?) » 6/04/14 7:15pm 6/04/14 7:15pm

Model Lily Cole Has Created a App For Granting Wishes

Finally, someone has harnessed the true power of technology to give us the future we deserve: one that is full of wish-granting and the tender realization that magic has always existed (but, like, in the power of the human heart). By this I mean that former model Lily Cole — who is especially qualified for the task… » 3/24/14 1:30pm 3/24/14 1:30pm

Dogs Befuddled By Close-Up Magic Will Make Your Afternoon

Dogs are so sweet and so trusting (especially when treats are involved) that it seems almost cruel to confuse them by offering them a treat and then making it disappear before their very eyes. Dogs didn't pay $39.95 — and a two-drink minimum— for this show and they're not impressed by the way you move your hands,… » 3/22/14 12:47pm 3/22/14 12:47pm

Worth It: Magic Pants Made From Human Skin

Sometimes, my problems feel so cliched. Am I happy? Am I loving and supporting those I care about in a way that they deserve? Will I die alone? And most importantly, how can I enhance my own magical powers when I am not personally all that magically gifted? Thankfully, the answer to my final question has been… » 10/25/13 1:00pm 10/25/13 1:00pm

Labor Day Is a Scam To Keep You Poor and Miserable Forever

Labor Day is a complete rip-off. Labor isn't celebrated at all—instead, a single day's break from labor is celebrated. You might think this is a stupid thing to care about, because Labor Day is really just about getting drunk in your yard, again. But that's actually evidence of this very successful con job pulled on… » 9/02/13 1:35pm 9/02/13 1:35pm

Thieves Steal Wedding Dress, 911 Operator Saves the Day by Loaning Hers

Something nice happened! Something really actually nice happened! A woman in Kent, WA (King County! Woooooo!) discovered that her wedding dress was stolen out of the trunk of her car on her wedding day. (King County. Boooooooooo.) In tears, she called 911, and the emergency faeries connected her with precisely the… » 8/19/13 2:45pm 8/19/13 2:45pm

Will Mermaid Replace Vampire as #1 Ambiguously-Sexual Mystical Beast?

Ugh, vampires have been lurking and staring and silently inhaling ravioli fumes on dates with high school-aged human women for, like, years now. We are all tired of it. It's about time for a sea change in the Sexy Mystical Young Adult Fiction Love Interest landscape. In this instance, "sea change" literally means "a… » 8/01/13 7:45pm 8/01/13 7:45pm

Science Explains Ouija Boards, Retroactively Ruins 1,000 Sleepovers

Ugh, it looks like the ouija board has become the newest victim of science's ceaseless vendetta against my childhood ambition of growing up to be a very successful witch. It seems that science won't be satiated until it has me drinking a bitter potion made of tears shed whilst watching the Long Island Medium, which is… » 7/30/13 3:00pm 7/30/13 3:00pm

Indonesian Lawmakers Consider Stricter Laws Against Sexy Black Magic

Earlier this week, we found out that Indonesia would finally be doing something about all the out-of-wedlock sex and black magic that its citizens are enjoying, probably simultaneously, since a proper, married household hardly seems like the place for the occult. A new criminal code currently making the legislative… » 5/24/13 10:00am 5/24/13 10:00am

Why Are There No Female Magicians? Maybe Because We BURNED THEM ALL TO…

Now, even I'm not a goofy enough feminist stereotype to get all up-in-arms about 17th-century witch-burning as a tangible, pressing, current lady-problem. Buuuuuut...sometimes (all the times) we do feel the echoes of long-past injustices in our largely mundane modern lives. And aren't thought experiments fun? On the… » 3/19/13 4:25pm 3/19/13 4:25pm