How To Stay Cool and Calm When Your Power Goes Out

Thanks to either global climate change or an angry Satan turning up the thermostat in Hell, it's been hotter than a leather corseted scrotum outside in most of the country. And as everything gets intolerably hot, people are retreating to their enclosed indoor spaces and cranked up the air conditioning. This uses a lot… » 7/09/12 5:50pm 7/09/12 5:50pm

How to Smuggle Alcohol (Or Other Contraband) Into an Outdoor Concert

Summer concert season is heating up like the armpit of the guy standing right behind you in the subway, and with outdoor summer concerts come big crowds, sweaty conditions, weird echoey soundsystems, and the nagging feeling that one day you'll be too old for this. Hardly circumstances you'd want to face sober, but who… » 6/11/12 5:50pm 6/11/12 5:50pm

You're Locked Out of Your House. Here's How to Break In.

It's an embarrassing adult truth that if you always lock your doors and you must use keys to reenter your house, then at some point, you will probably lock yourself out. It's not a pleasant feeling, being outside your home looking in, wondering if your appliances have come alive behind your back and are having a space… » 3/26/12 5:30pm 3/26/12 5:30pm

How To Unclog Your Drain Without Barfing

Between the human body's natural disgusting emissions and the gross chemistry of what happens in the horrorscape of city plumbing, everyone who is not a Romney or a Hilton will inevitably someday be faced with the unpleasant task of unclogging a blocked drain. But just because your house is constipated doesn't mean… » 3/19/12 5:00pm 3/19/12 5:00pm

How to Cure a Bad Case of Static Cling

The good news: it's March and we've made it tantalizingly close to the end of winter. The bad news: we're not out of the woods yet; even if spring has most definitely sprung, we're still weeks away from going-without-tights weather. And tights plus skirts plus walking plus dry air equals static cling more intense than… » 3/12/12 7:00pm 3/12/12 7:00pm

How to Cure a Headache Without Pills

So you've got a headache. Whatever the cause — too much looking at screens, too much whisky, your needy cat spent the night showing how important you are to her by walking across your pillow and purring as hard as she possibly could — the throbbing in your cranium now threatens your ability to be productive for the… » 3/05/12 4:45pm 3/05/12 4:45pm

Your Lips Are Dry and Disgusting. Let's Fix That.

Few needs in this world are more pressing than the need to urinate, defecate, sneeze, or scratch an itch. But I'd offer that the need to address chapped lips trumps them all. Whether you're determined to avoid spending your quarter-end review with your boss trying to subtly lick your lips or you're just gearing up for… » 2/20/12 6:00pm 2/20/12 6:00pm

How to Open a Beer Bottle Without an Opener

Benjamin Franklin (and posters in 1 out of every 3 partying nerds' dorm rooms) said that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. While the truth of that statement is up for debate, it's clear that beer bottles are proof that people who make beer sort of hate us and want us to be frustrated. What to… » 1/30/12 6:00pm 1/30/12 6:00pm

You Don't Need Soap to Shower, Silly

During the winter, it's easy to find excuses to stay inside and avoid adult responsibilities. It's cold. There's snow all over, and it's covered with miniature ice canyons made of the neighbor's dog's pee. But sometimes putting off errands can lead to desperate situations, like realizing after turning the shower on… » 1/23/12 6:00pm 1/23/12 6:00pm

How To Keep Warm In Your Freezing Cold House

It's difficult to determine what's most awful about winter— the constant cold feet and hands, the unpleasant dread of stepping out of the shower, or the horror of opening a heating bill after a month of leaving the thermostat turned up overnight. Since hibernating for three months isn't an option, the best way to cope… » 12/19/11 4:30pm 12/19/11 4:30pm

How To Disguise The Fact That You Are Exhausted

Whether you were up late watching internet videos of corgis on treadmills or you spent the last hour crying hysterically over your student loan balance, there are times when you're going to have to be somewhere after a series of decisions or circumstances have led to your face looking like it's having an allergic… » 12/12/11 4:30pm 12/12/11 4:30pm