Thanks to either global climate change or an angry Satan turning up the thermostat in Hell, it's been hotter than a leather corseted scrotum outside in most of the country. And as everything gets intolerably hot, people are retreating to their enclosed indoor spaces and cranked up the air conditioning. This uses a lot…

Global warming isn't happening, you guys! That's why Colorado's on fire and the rest of the country is roughly the temperature of the inside of an Easy Bake oven, and the parts that aren't on hot or in flames are being rained on with the force of a peeing god who drank a Big Gulp during the first half hour of Magic…

So you spent the weekend outside. And you were wearing one of those trendy, adorable little something or others with the crisscrossed straps? And you didn't put on enough sun screen, did you? Of course you didn't. And now you're in human lobster agony, aren't you? Let's do something about that.

Summer concert season is heating up like the armpit of the guy standing right behind you in the subway, and with outdoor summer concerts come big crowds, sweaty conditions, weird echoey soundsystems, and the nagging feeling that one day you'll be too old for this. Hardly circumstances you'd want to face sober, but who…

Ever since I've been old enough to sneak copies of Teen Magazine at the middle school library, I've known that vaginas (sorry, "down theres") are mysterious, confusing places that need to be waxed, washed, wiped, and maintained lest all men run screaming away from you and you end up spending your life attachment…

No matter how careful she is, no matter how her bigass purse teems with delicate, fluttery paper products and hand lotion and tampons and aspirin and band aids, there will come a time in every woman's life when she's faced with a desperate pee situation. A toilet will be clogged, a bathroom inaccessible, the line for…

Moving sucks. This is a scientific fact. And unless you've got the money (and willingness to part with it) to hire someone to do all of it for you, you're stuck with performing the unpleasant task yourself. Here's how move to a new place without losing your silverware— or your marbles.

It's an embarrassing adult truth that if you always lock your doors and you must use keys to reenter your house, then at some point, you will probably lock yourself out. It's not a pleasant feeling, being outside your home looking in, wondering if your appliances have come alive behind your back and are having a space…

Between the human body's natural disgusting emissions and the gross chemistry of what happens in the horrorscape of city plumbing, everyone who is not a Romney or a Hilton will inevitably someday be faced with the unpleasant task of unclogging a blocked drain. But just because your house is constipated doesn't mean…

The good news: it's March and we've made it tantalizingly close to the end of winter. The bad news: we're not out of the woods yet; even if spring has most definitely sprung, we're still weeks away from going-without-tights weather. And tights plus skirts plus walking plus dry air equals static cling more intense than…

So you've got a headache. Whatever the cause — too much looking at screens, too much whisky, your needy cat spent the night showing how important you are to her by walking across your pillow and purring as hard as she possibly could — the throbbing in your cranium now threatens your ability to be productive for the…

Nothing makes a person sound more like a drunken Disney sidekick than a case of the hiccups. But what's the best way to get rid of the embarrassing, involuntary gasps? And how can we avoid getting them in the first place? With a little innovation and elbow grease, but mostly via MacGyvering.

Few needs in this world are more pressing than the need to urinate, defecate, sneeze, or scratch an itch. But I'd offer that the need to address chapped lips trumps them all. Whether you're determined to avoid spending your quarter-end review with your boss trying to subtly lick your lips or you're just gearing up for…

Benjamin Franklin (and posters in 1 out of every 3 partying nerds' dorm rooms) said that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. While the truth of that statement is up for debate, it's clear that beer bottles are proof that people who make beer sort of hate us and want us to be frustrated. What to…

During the winter, it's easy to find excuses to stay inside and avoid adult responsibilities. It's cold. There's snow all over, and it's covered with miniature ice canyons made of the neighbor's dog's pee. But sometimes putting off errands can lead to desperate situations, like realizing after turning the shower on…

There's no way around it: Winter in a temperate zone fucking blows. When it snows, everyone simultaneously forgets how to drive. Trains freeze, electric lines snap, everyone's cranky, and the snow severely limits footwear options and mobility. To make matters worse, dry air wreaks havoc on human tissue, from painful,…

The more time you spend outside of your house, the greater the risk that you'll find yourself in an enclosed space seated next to someone or something that is annoying the absolute shit out of you. Irritating conversations and infernal racket don't need to ruin your outing, though. You have the power to ignore that…

It's difficult to determine what's most awful about winter— the constant cold feet and hands, the unpleasant dread of stepping out of the shower, or the horror of opening a heating bill after a month of leaving the thermostat turned up overnight. Since hibernating for three months isn't an option, the best way to cope…

Whether you were up late watching internet videos of corgis on treadmills or you spent the last hour crying hysterically over your student loan balance, there are times when you're going to have to be somewhere after a series of decisions or circumstances have led to your face looking like it's having an allergic…

When you left the house this morning, everything was fine. But suddenly, through some twist of fate, weather shenanigans, or all-out clumsiness on your part, your footwear situation went awry and now, here you are with a broken heel in the middle of a snowstorm. What are you going to do?