Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we send Kristine Gutierrez to the newsstand to pick up the new issues of In Touch, Us, Life & Style, Ok! and Star in hopes of getting high on celebrity news. This week, Lindsay Lohan's drug dealer talks about dropping her as a client; the Kardashians are millions of…

I mean, okay. Let it all out, Farrah. I'd like to state for the record that—though I do not want to hang out with her ever AT ALL—I don't personally care what Farrah Abraham puts into and pulls out of any of her teenage holes, and calling her a "whore" (as if that's an objectively bad, shameful thing to be) just makes…

From the dawn of time, women have been getting knocked up by men in a variety of ways. In ye olden days, once a lady's egg and the man's sperm found each other in bliss, the female was often relegated to fainting couch or a hall closet maybe, forced to shut themselves away from the world as every part of their body…

So here's a thing! Zoe Saldana's Allure cover prints her weight like she's a slab of nova at the Zabar's fish counter. The dek under her name reads: "115 pounds of grit and heartache." (The rest of the dek: "—117.6 pounds after quinoa lunch; 114 pounds after bikram yoga, 0.00 pounds in space" — was cut for design…

In today's edition of Tweet Beat, Kristen Chenoweth seeks sleep's sweet embrace, Slash hates touch screens but probably also hates his lack of motor skills, and Kim Kardashian casually mentions she's eating a grapefruit like a healthy, not gigantic person.

Even when you have the most laissez-faire, No Curfew, "You're-Going-To-Drink-So-Drink-In-The-House-Here's-Some-Patron" liberal Hollywood parents ever, you still want to fly the parental coop. Case in point: For Jaden Smith's 15th birthday this July, he asked Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith if they'd sign the papers to…

Is Beyoncé pregnant? Is Beyoncé pregnant? Is Beyoncé pregnant? Is Beyoncé pregnant? — The sound and the fury of the Internet, signifying nothing except not minding its own beeswax. (Also, I bet Beyoncé's not pregnant.)

Black velvet lace if you please.

Everyone's always like, "Why are the Kardashians even famous? What's their talent?" And this whole time the answer has been staring us right in the face in supermarket checkout aisles: they are highly skilled at losing weight—inhumanly so. In less than four years, the three sisters have managed to drop an impressive 431 …

After three years of dating, Vampire Diaries' onscreen and real-life couple Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have broken up. But TV's low-key equivalent of K-Stew and R-Patz will stay civil on the show because — quoth a source — they're "consummate professionals," and "will continue to work together and remain best…