Okay...so...Lindsay Lohan is definitely officially in rehab now, right? Inside of the rehab building, doing the rehabbing as we speak? Has our long national daymare finally come to an end? (Spoiler: lol, no.) Based on a quick glance at my What Lindsay Lohan Is Doing Right Now Reliability Matrix, there is a 67% chance…

Once upon a time, some idiot dog ate a whole tub of orange frosting and shat out the oiliest, hottest, most vile and rank semi-firm orange turd the world had ever seen. The turd fell into a pile of pubes recently shaved off the ballsack of a racist necromancer, and their lingering scrotal enchantments brought the turd…

Although Kate Middleton and Prince William have only told their parents the sex of their baby, a slip of the tongue made it clear that Kate might be playing uteran hostess—I picture it as an upscale B&B, complete with L'Occitane bath products and tiny decorative soaps and a Jonathan Adler guestbook—to a tiny future…

We already know Melissa McCarthy is incredibly funny and talented, but did you know she can also pull of a strong red lip? Of course she can, she's some sort of special. Let's all be best friends, OK?

Hey, you know how our public dialogue on just about everything is so fucked-up and frustrating that sometimes you just need Jon Stewart to hold you? And demolish the FOX News doublespeak bullshit with one fell strike of his grim morning star of moderation? And pet your hair? Well, finally, addressing our post-Newtown…

America's golden daughter Taylor Swift, who turned 23 yesterday, is growing up and wants to prove it. Subsequently, she copped some rocker shit (stringy pink-tipped wig! Taylor Momsen eye makeup!) for the brand-new "I Knew You Were Trouble" video, which features some bubblegum Sid and Nancyish antics opposite the guy …

Ugh, it's like one of those nauseating stories you hear where someone was supposed to go on vacation with their friends and then they got mono at the last minute and had to stay home and then the plane crashed—except in this case the person with mono is the American public and the ill-fated flight is Jon Stewart almost …

Apparently a baby came out of Megan Fox's birth canal and then nobody ever spoke of it. I mean, until just now. Either the info was kept tightly concealed on purpose or just nobody bothered to ask—but anyway, Fox gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Noah, noble heir to the Peach Pit After Dark fortune. Fox and beau…

All those Antique Roadshow marathons seem to have poured some glitter gas back into Robert Pattinson's PR sparkle tank and gotten him through two major New York appearances. First, Rob visited Jon Stewart, who played a spirited round of Very Concerned Camp Counselor on the Daily Show. ("What are we doing here? Are you…

Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis were on The Daily Show last night to promote their upcoming comedy The Campaign. The pair, who have been promoting the film for a few weeks now, grew frustrated with Stewart's expected, lame-ass questions and, rather than sit there and take it, decided to gang up on him. Stewart,…