Chris Brown Totaled His Car En Route to Charity Appearance With Little…

Yesterday afternoon Chris Brown wrecked his Porsche after being chased down by the rabid paparazzi on the way to a charity event, according to the Beverly Hills Police Department. Brown's PR rep (#2 most thankless job after "professional human shit shoveler") explained how it happened: » 2/10/13 11:30am 2/10/13 11:30am

Jill Kelley's Probably Not Writing A Petraeus Tell-All (Yet)

Socialite Jill Kelley, an integral part of the David Petraeus-Paula Broadwell-shirtless FBI agent-General John Allen bee's nest of upper-echelon fuckery, sat by the window for awhile and reflected. But the Daily Mail reported yesterday that Kelley had begun to meet with publishers to discuss releasing a book about the… » 12/08/12 2:40pm 12/08/12 2:40pm

Totally Reasonable Person Jill Kelley Threatens to Sue a Guy Who Said…

I'm no PR expert, but I don't think that threatening to sue a bunch of people is a good way to drum up public sympathy. But maybe Florida socialite and Petraeus scandal Kardashian Jill Kelley knows something I don't. » 11/28/12 6:20pm 11/28/12 6:20pm

Jill Kelley Loses That Honorary Diplomat Title She Kept Bragging About

Jill Kelley, the Florida recipient of threatening emails from David Petraeus mistress Paula Broadwell who requested diplomatic protection from the media even though she is a voluntary social coordinator for a military base, has had her "honorary consul" title revoked by the South Korean embassy on the grounds that the… » 11/27/12 5:40pm 11/27/12 5:40pm

The Real Story Behind the Petraeus Affair: Bitches Be Crazy

If you were an alien from another planet trying to get a sense of how humans are, and the only information you had were news reports about David Petraeus's affair with Paula Broadwell, you'd rightfully conclude, based on available data, that female humans are batshit insane. And now that actually relevant information… » 11/20/12 2:00pm 11/20/12 2:00pm

Paula Broadwell And Jill Kelley Have Both Visited The White House a Few…

Since we inexplicably still care about this, I guess, both of the women with whom David Petraeus had his sexual dalliances have been over in the vicinity of WHOTUS (I keep trying to make WHOTUS happen; it's not going to happen) in the last few years. The only real-ish gossip here is that Tampa "socialite" Jill Kelley,… » 11/17/12 4:00pm 11/17/12 4:00pm

The Shirtless FBI Agent's Shirtless Photo Was a Joke (and Not a Sexy…

The Seattle Times has identified the FBI agent who set off the Petraeus sex scandal by contacting Congress after Jill Kelley told him she was receiving threatening emails. As we all know, the mysterious man in question also sent a scaaaandalous shirtless photo to Kelley, a longtime friend. Except, as it turns out,… » 11/15/12 4:20pm 11/15/12 4:20pm

Why Is Nobody Asking Whether David Petraeus Is a Honey-Hungry Dickzilla…

That's what I'd like to know!!! And I think the American people deserve the truth. If David Petraeus is really the "decorated general" and "guy with a wife" he claims to be, then how is it that he wickedly bewitched the Inboxes of not one but TWO busy, high-profile women? Which is it, Petraeus? Are you a family man or… » 11/14/12 5:25pm 11/14/12 5:25pm

Petraeus Successor General Allen Might Just Be a Chatty Guy

Was General John R. Allen, who succeeded General David Petraeus as lead commander of coalition forces in Afghanistan, actually sending inappropriate emails to Tampa socialite Jill Kelley? (If you still don't know who these people are, read our explainer here.) » 11/14/12 1:25pm 11/14/12 1:25pm

Jill Kelley Gazes Listlessly Out Window While Petraeus Plays on TV

She looks so much like a modern day Jane Austen character, it's hard to believe this wasn't staged. Poor Jill Kelley, perhaps she should take to bed before she comes down with consumption. This is all so fucking Greek tragedy/Desperate Housewives, I can hardly stand it. » 11/14/12 1:05am 11/14/12 1:05am

A Guide to Understanding the Increasingly Convoluted Petraeus Sex…

Twenty to thirty thousand emails, shirtless photos, illicit sex ("under" a desk, no less): are we sure the Petraeus scandal isn't actually a viral marketing campaign for the next season of Gossip Girl? If you haven't been paying attention to the still-developing drama (we're expecting a secret pregnancy to break this… » 11/13/12 11:40am 11/13/12 11:40am