Before Demi Lovato returns to The X-Factor to fill the voids left by Britney Spears and L.A. Reid, Simon Cowell wants her to lose some weight, and had no problem telling her as much despite her hospitalization two years ago that was in part due to bulimia. Transfixed by his deep V-neck, staring into the dark,…

K8 Middleton, rather delightfully referred to in this New York Daily News article as a "queasy royal," is feeling a little better after getting fluids but remains in London's King Edward VII hospital due to severe Wingardium Leviosa!! hyperemesis gravidarum. A palace spokesman wants everyone concerned for Kate to know…

Picture, if you will, Kanye West swimming in a vault of precious stones a la Scrooge McDuck; after girlfriend Kim Kardashian's divorce from Kris Humphries is finalized, 'Ye apparently plans to propose with a one-of-a-kind ring made from his late mom Donda's personal jewelry collection. He visited a private jeweler with …

Just in case anyone was really starting to pine for some vintage George Costanza foot-swallowing, actor and recently re-sodded cranium Jason Alexander called cricket a "gay sport" last week on Craig Ferguson's Are You Still Fucking Awake? talk program. Alexander expatiated on cricket's supposed homosexuality:

• Angelina Jolie was in Paris last night, promoting The Tourist, but was asked about her directorial debut, a love story between a Serbian man and Bosnian woman. Angie, who wrote the screenplay, says it's not true that Bosnians are unhappy.

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I fall down the celebrity tabloid rabbit hole. This week we learned about Lindsay's reality show, Taylor & Jake's true romance, and Britney's domestic violence and abortion news.

• Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are allegedly on a break. When asked how wedding plans are going yesterday, Rachel said, "No, no plans," and pointed to her ring-less hand adding, "No nothing."

• On Howard Stern's radio show today Courtney Love said she dated Gavin Rossdale for eight months... while he was with Gwen Stefani. "He got good in bed... something happened. Maybe Gwen taught him, for all I know," said Love.

• Sources say Michelle "Bombshell" McGee received $30,000 for her interview with In Touch about her alleged affair with Jesse James, and McGee's claim that she didn't know James was still married to Sandra Bullock is totally bogus.

• Leggings! Drama! Lindsay Lohan and her BFF, a shaggy-haired dude named Patrick "Pootie" Aufdenkamp, had a falling out while on vacay in St. Barts.