Bomb Threat At Illinois High School Traced to Angry Teacher

Last week, a frightening note was found at Calhoun County High School in Hardin, Illinois. The note, which read "KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im tired of all the people here. Everyone is going down, the school will b n flames" was found in the women's bathroom of the school, leading authorities to evacuate the building and do… » 5/05/14 9:40am 5/05/14 9:40am

College Students Throw Racist Fit Over Being Denied A Snow Day

It's cold in the middle of the country. Hair follicle numbingly, butt puckeringly, jean freezingly cold. And so, when the National Weather Services forecasted treacherous wind chills for their city, University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign students collectively hoped the school's Chancellor Phyllis Wise would cancel… » 1/27/14 8:30pm 1/27/14 8:30pm

Illinois Finally Cracking Down on the Sale of African Lion Meat

At long last Illinois is considering legislation to deal with its disquieting lion meat problem. Oh, you weren't aware that folks in Illinois were tearing into huge lion rib eyes at Fourth of July barbecues, washing down the gamey taste of proud African wildcat with onomatopoetic soft drinks and A1? Then you, my poor,… » 3/10/13 12:00pm 3/10/13 12:00pm

Illinois Senators Will Likely Vote on Gay Marriage Today

Illinois senators were slated to vote this week on the Religious Freedom and Marriage Fairness Act, which LGBT advocates had been working on for months, but now, in hopes of moving things forward as quickly as possible, they'll be voting on an amendment to HB4963, which is about automobile rentals and the Collateral… » 1/03/13 2:30pm 1/03/13 2:30pm

POTUS Would Very Much Appreciate It If Illinois Legalized Same-Sex…

President Barack Obama has very publicly entered the fight for same-sex marriage in Illinois. Possibly just days before the Illinois General Assembly wrangles over the issue of same-sex marriage, POTUS urged lawmakers in his home state to legalize same-sex marriage because, in so many words, it'd be really shitty of… » 12/30/12 1:45pm 12/30/12 1:45pm

'Pro-Life Without Exception' Congressman Thinks Women Can't Die from…

Another health expert from that radical women's advocacy group we call the US House of Representatives has offered a great science-based justification for why abortion should not be available to any woman under any circumstances — not even to save her life. According to Illinois Republican Joe Walsh, allowing women to… » 10/19/12 4:15pm 10/19/12 4:15pm

Illinois Pharmacists Can Now Legally Refuse to Sell You Plan B Because…

If you live in Illinois, you better pray super hard that your condom never breaks — or that something even worse transpires — because a state appeals court recently upheld a ruling that exempted pharmacists with religious objections from prescribing emergency contraceptives. Let's hope your friendly local Walgreens… » 9/26/12 2:40pm 9/26/12 2:40pm

Strip Clubs in Illinois Will Now Pay a New Tax to Help Fund Rape Crisis…

On Saturday, Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn signed a law that will force strip clubs to pay an additional tax, which will in turn be used to fund programs aimed at preventing sexual assault as well as counseling sexual assault victims. The new tax is expected to haul in about $1 million a year for rape prevention programs,… » 8/19/12 3:00pm 8/19/12 3:00pm

Married Couple Propositions 13-Year-Old Girl For Sex, and Naturally,…

A couple in Gurnee, Illinois was arrested and charged with attempting to facilitate sex with a 13-year-old girl, which is completely messed up on its own. But the story becomes more of a symphony of WTF when you scroll on down past the article about the couple's arrest, into the comments, where everyone and their… » 8/06/12 6:30pm 8/06/12 6:30pm

Please Stop Bugging Michelle Obama About Running for Senate

She may have academic credentials that match her Commander-in-Chief husband, the popular appeal of Madeleine Albright circa 1999, and the fashion chops of Carla Bruni, but Michelle Obama wants to make it clear that she's not interested in running for Senate in 2016. In other news, people are already starting to badger… » 5/29/12 7:00pm 5/29/12 7:00pm

Republicans Bravely Defend Children's Right to Tell Gay Kids They're…

The gig's up, homos — Republicans in Illinois are on to your bullshit. They know that all these pinko attempts to strengthen anti-bullying rules are all just part of the gay agenda, an attempt to actually keep the Christian kids down by stripping them of their god-given right to inform all the sissies and limp-wrists… » 5/23/12 5:15pm 5/23/12 5:15pm

The Dumbest Yelp Thread Ever: 'Is It Just Me? Women Eating McDonald's a…

All this time we ladies thought going to McDonald's and ordering a burger and downing it with some fries was really turning the guys on, which is obviously why we all went there in the first place. But it looks like we have been terribly mistaken. Our milkshakes might in fact be driving boys from the yard Playland—at… » 4/03/12 10:40am 4/03/12 10:40am

Mitt Romney Delivers Useless Blow to Rick Santorum in Illinois

Mitt Romney has been projected to win the Illinois primary tonight by an impressive margin. This was expected, but nevertheless, Romney's pride and joy circuits are probably blowing out as we speak. Of course, Santorum will continue his quixotic quest for the presidency undaunted. Why would he do such a thing—other… » 3/20/12 9:05pm 3/20/12 9:05pm

Ann Romney Begs Women to Support Her Husband

At a pancake breakfast this morning in Moline, Illinois, Ann Romney took to the mic and addressed all of her sisters in robothood. (Sidenote: the Romneys just cannot get enough pancakes.) She started by saying she is "really upset" with Obama's policies, and then tried to get us to bond over our anger: "I love it that… » 3/18/12 11:00pm 3/18/12 11:00pm

Untrained Nurses Are Another Obstacle to Ever Prosecuting Rapists

A program called SANE teaches Illinois nurses how to perform rape kits, and how to testify if they're called as a witness in a rape case. But very few of the state's nurses have gone through the program, because it takes so much time and hospital funds. And this lack of trained professionals is yet another hurdle… » 2/06/12 4:00pm 2/06/12 4:00pm

Cop Gets Sued After Giving a Woman a Ticket, Then Asking Her Out on a…

It was adorable in Bridesmaids when the very charming Officer Nathan Rhodes met Kristin Wiig's character, Annie Walker, while pulling her over for a broken rear light. But things don't always turn out so nicely in real life, as one police officer in Stickney, Illinois, discovered the hard way. » 1/08/12 3:35pm 1/08/12 3:35pm

Ill Conceived Program Matches Sex Offenders, Children

Residents of the Land of Lincoln are undoubtedly aware of the unrelenting clusterfuck that is state and local governments. Usually the tangled web of patronage and ball-dropping results in rueful head shaking, or a shrug along with the line, "Well! That's Illinois!" But now, it seems that the headless vowel elongating… » 8/27/11 3:00pm 8/27/11 3:00pm