If anything reminds the plan-less of how fundamentally alone they are in the world, it’s the long weekends of our country’s lesser holidays. Labor Day can be the most melancholic of them all; not only do you get an extra day off to be alone with yourself, but it signifies the transition from summer to fall, a nasty…

Labor Day is this Monday, and that means the hot, sticky summer of 2016 will soon come to an end. Celebrate the long weekend (if you’re lucky enough to have one) and the unofficial beginning of fall by doing something special!

The Los Angeles City Council declared today Kobe Bryant Day, because the date 8/24 contains the two jersey numbers Bryant wore during his Lakers career. The inaugural Kobe Bryant day was marked by Bryant and his family shaking hands and posing for pictures at city hall, where he was also serenaded by adoring local…

Oh, did you think we’d make it through July the Fourth without one single Hamilton post? Never fear my, babies. For here are the Schuyler Sisters, in the middle of their Tony Awards performance, reminding you to work — whatever that may mean for you tonight (I hope it’s figurative).

Attention weary scholars: by the powers vested in The School Company and Rapunzel, you get an extra week of winter vacation. At least, that’s what the extremely official letter pictured above tells us.

The week surrounding Christmas, like the days surrounding Thanksgiving, has always been a danger zone when it comes to running into old high school classmates who we’d rather not see. So how do we get by?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year...to lie to little children about a magical man whose entire reason for being is to break into their homes and give them presents! But it’s not just little kids who fall for stupid lies like Santa. Adults believe made-up shit all of the time, which is why we’re swapping stories…

The New York State Young Republicans—not to be confused with the New York Young Republicans, whose website is much nicer—is a scrappy group. Outnumbered in their home state, and somewhat less maniacal than their southern counterparts, its members seem to need a fancy Christmas gathering more than most; the occasion…

Whether you hooked up with a gross dude from high school while home for the holidays, were caught giving your significant other an HJ by your mom at Thanksgiving, or did the wrong thing with the wrong person at the office Christmas party, we—your online community of nosy pervs—want to hear about it! That’s right: This…

Add another one to Christmas’s long list of crimes: Not only are all those festive lights interfering with your sleep patterns, they’re also possibly fucking with your wifi. Happy holidays—hope you don’t have big Netflix plans!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Unfortunately for many of us, all of those deep fried turkey faces and iced gravy drums come at a price: having to spend time around that mangy group of creatures you call a family. But don’t fear, you shivering, nude snowflake: we’ve got you covered. Just follow our…

Sleeping is a wonderful activity, and one of my personal favorites. My editor Erin recently described me as “a sloth trying to accomplish a series of tasks,” which I found very apt and also upsetting. While most healthy adult Americans consider themselves lucky to reach 8 hours, I am always striving for more, more,…

Today, November 19, we celebrate both men and poop.

On Friday, October 30, I lurched into a Rite Aide looking for some orange streamers and fake spider webs to decorate my apartment appropriately for some Vincent Price viewing. What I found was appalling but not, I fear, surprising—the shelves short on spooky accessories, but already well-stocked with GODDAMN SANTAS.

There are two types of adults in this world—those who still dress up for Halloween and those who do not. Which one are you?

Until recently, I’d never been on the website AskMen.com, I suppose largely because I never had the occasion to ask a man anything. The site’s tagline touts that it is a place where men can become better men, though on my first visit I’m already suspicious that any of my questions will be answered or that I will…

This has nothing to do with style and beauty... or does it?

What’s the best thing to do after teaming up with another bro and calling your coworker a slut? Why, wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day and misspelling her name on social media, of course!

If National Proposal Day didn’t make you feel like the piece of garbage that you are because no one’s marrying you, there’s another national holiday to remind you that we all die alone, especially if your marriage has failed, as divorce is the mark of your true and irreconcilable shortcomings as a human being.