Patrick Stewart Singing "Let It Snow" Is Your Official Holiday Kickoff
Alright everyone! You can officially start unpacking your mangled, balled up Christmas tree lights (which we all know what the correct color should be
Atheists Want to Abort Christ From Christmas, Says Kooky Alaskan Lady
At an appearance on Liberty University's campus yesterday, My BFF Sarah Palin proclaimed that Christmas is under attack by "angry atheists" who are "trying to abort Christ from Christmas." Tis the season for whackadoodlery. Fa LOL LOL LOL LOL. LOL LOL LOL LOL.
White Christmas Lights Suck. Multicolored Lights Are Better.
Every December, homes across America are riven by discord. Spouses square off. Children rise against their parents. Roommates glare at each other across the living room. Even the staff of Jezebel is divided.
Police Have Great Advice on How Not to Get Raped This Christmas
It's the holiday season, which means it's time to light the menorah tree on fire, throw dreidels at the Kwanzaa cake, and very nicely ask Santa to bring you a nice new Jesus for Saturnalia. If you're in the UK, it means something else, too: the annual deluge of unhelpful holiday anti-rape ads.
Let Taystee and Crazy Eyes Brighten the Holidays With Christmas Carols
In case you need a break from the constant negativity that has reached a fever pitch over Thanksgiving weekend, enjoy this video from Orange Is the New Black's Danielle Brooks and Uzo Aduba singing Christmas carols extremely well. And then check out Artists Striving to End Poverty, the organization that they did this…
How to Survive Holiday Breakup Season
You have may have noticed that there's something different in the air lately — the crisp scent of fall decay, a little cinnamon spice, and the odd sensation that your significant other suddenly despises the existence of your face. That's right, it's Breakup Season, that tenuous handful of weeks just up to the holidays…
It's Time to Move Christmas to January 25th
The end of the year is always an expensive clusterfuck of expense, travel, and joyless obligations made more miserable by the fact that several major holidays occur within six weeks. But all of this pressure and stress could be resolved if we'd only do one thing: move Christmas to January 25th. Hear me out.
Reader Gift Guide: What Are You Getting Your BFF This Year?
The holidays are the only one time of the year when you can drop all those no let me pay, no really, I got it this time pretensions with your nearest and dearest and get them a gift that truly says 'I'm glad I didn't believe to all that shitty gossip about you that I spread back in the eighth grade because you are…
The Best Turkey Frying Disasters on the Internet
It's Thanksgiving — which means it's time to be thankful for morons who attempt to fry their own turkeys. Here it is: The very best of the biggest Turkey Fryer Fails we found on the internet. Be safe!
Reader Gift Guide: What Are You Getting Your Lov-ah This Year?
This time Thursday you'll likely be sitting down with a heaping pile of food with some people you want to kill even though you have the same genes. But maybe you'll be sitting down with people you want to kill that you don't have the same genes as because they're your significant other's family. Despite that suffering, …
Fashion Faux Pas: Lady Gaga and Miss Piggy Rock the Same Holiday Dress
I wonder if Kermie is gonna have to take care of Lady Gaga or risk the wrath of the pig? Or maybe Miss Piggy just gave Gaga a hand-me-down? Either way, you know it was drama backstage.
Baseball Star's Holiday Safety Tip: 'Ladies, Let Ur Man Drive'
Today, I took a break from gestating male heirs/ slaving over a hot stove/ piping down and letting the men talk to check this website called "Twitter," where a famous base-ball player named David Price had some great Thanksgiving travel tips for ladies: let your man drive! Especially in dangerous weather! Men, you see,…
Reader Gift Guide: What Are You Buying for Dad This Year?
Black Friday draweth closer and with it, the intensifying pressure to get a leg up on your holiday shopping. You know the routine: unload your wallets and stuff those stockings.
Reader Gift Guide: What Are You Getting Your Mom This Holiday Season?
It's November 25 — exactly one month until Christmas, exactly one month to watch Elf on repeat — and even if you think the gift-giving season shouldn't officially start until the turkey dinner has been reduced to leftovers, it's already happening. Black Friday and Cyber Monday — why even wait for those? Everyone's got…
Gravitational Force of Early-Ass Black Friday Sucks in Restaurants Too
We're one step closer to the day when Thanksgiving seems but a quaint memory and/or fiction from a Norman Rockwell painting. CNBC reports that, with retailers moving Black Friday ever earlier, restaurants are also being roped into the Thursday-evening frenzy.
There's No 'Hot Holiday Toy' This Year. Can Christmas Even Happen?
It's a holiday tradition as American as eating too much and falling asleep in a chair while inane football comedy blares loudly from the flatscreen — adults deciding that all kids should be just nuts for a Hot Holiday Toy, and then redirecting that hysteria into ruining Christmas. This year, however, a problem: there …
Holiday Party Outfits, Ranked by How Easy It Is to Go Pee in Them
The New York Times has named the winter's hottest party wear trend: the LBJ ("little black jumpsuit" — not Lady Bird Johnson, unfortunately). After perusing the LBJ trend piece, the thinking woman has but one response: stylish, yes, but how do you pee?
Watch Some Dudes Play Holiday Carols With Their Ball Sacks
I bet the pitch meeting on this commercial was hilarious. Like, someone was all, "Why don't we have a row of nut crackers crunch nuts to holiday tunes?" "'No! Why don't we imply that men have balls of steel that make beautiful music when they collide?" And then the boss — who was in his head and not listening to anyone — …
Sarah Palin Has Gone Batshit Insane Over the 'War on Christmas'
Sarah Palin, a human angry telephone call from an apoplectic aunt whose opinion you long ago stopped valuing, is BACK (I didn't realize that she'd gone away, otherwise I'd had spent more time cherishing my precious Palin-free days). The former Alaska governor and current Alaska embarrassment's recent media blitz has…
Hallmark Christmas Ornament Changes 'Gay Apparel' to 'Fun Apparel'
Oh man, I'll never forget the moment I got gay. December of '84 it was. I was just a regular garden variety heterosexual toddler, excited about this thing called "Christmas" I'd been hearing so much about in the six months I'd been able to understand human words. I knew it was going to be good. Maybe I'd get that Diaper …
Dress As Slutty As You Want This Halloween, Just Don't Act Like A Dick
Much has been made of Halloween's gradual transformation from a holiday that exists as a way to commemorate our ancient superstitions about ghosts into a holiday that exists as a way to get hepatitis from a sexy nurse costume that came in a clear plastic bag and cost $65. But quibbling over whether it's okay to go…
Spill Your Holiday Retail Worker Horror Stories.
Inspired by the thread
Macy's, Lord & Taylor to Open on Thanksgiving, Tryptophan be Damned
Thanksgiving is for being with family, stuffing yourself full of turkey and cranberries, watching cartoon characters float in a parade, and maybe enjoying the broadcast of violent sports. But this year, you'll be able to start your Christmas shopping even earlier: Some stores will be open on the holiday.
Like Your Racist Aunt, Hobby Lobby Loves Crafts, Isn't Wild About Jews
We already know that ric-rac n' hot glue purveyor Hobby Lobby is totally not down with its female employees using birth control
Women's Equality Day Is This Year's Most Ironic Holiday
In case you needed a reason to celebrate on this last Monday of August that wasn't Miley Cyrus making your most embarrassing moment look like Beyonce's Super Bowl halftime performance, today is National Women's Equality Day. Yay! Yay for being human just like a man!
Today Is Middle Child's Day, Not That You Remembered
As a middle child, can I just ask you all to please take a minute to acknowledge this holiday OK so sorry I won't bother you again.
Father's Day Miscellany For Those Of Us With Deadbeat Dads
I used to work at a popular women's magazine where I once pitched a guide to brides with dads who weren't dead but weren't around — I'd never seen anything like that before, and I figured there had to be a lot of women (myself among them) who were confused about the etiquette. Do you ask some 50-something dude you've…
How Many Bone$ Should You Be Dropping On Mother's Day?
Holiday origin stories are fun because of their Crazy Straw timelines. From a one-room school singing that Happy Birthday song that their teacher made up, through the twists and turns of history and economic recessions and cultural shifts, that finally ends at 50 Cent rapping about not giving a fuck if it's not your…