10 Ways to Handle Your Wild, Crazy Family This Holiday Season

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Unfortunately for many of us, all of those deep fried turkey faces and iced gravy drums come at a price: having to spend time around that mangy group of creatures you call a family. But don’t fear, you shivering, nude snowflake: we’ve got you covered. Just follow our… »Wednesday 12:00pm11/25/15 12:00pm


Gather Round, Soldiers in the War on Christmas, For Our Hour Is Nigh 

On Friday, October 30, I lurched into a Rite Aide looking for some orange streamers and fake spider webs to decorate my apartment appropriately for some Vincent Price viewing. What I found was appalling but not, I fear, surprising—the shelves short on spooky accessories, but already well-stocked with GODDAMN SANTAS. »11/03/15 5:10pm11/03/15 5:10pm

The Best Stores to Buy Any Type of Halloween Candy

I’ve never really lived in a neighborhood that drew a lot of Trick-or-Treaters, but that doesn’t keep me from buying Halloween candy. Obviously, this is a task I take very seriously because, even if zero children visit my house, I want to get the as much delicious, seasonal sugar as I can for my money. »10/16/15 11:26am10/16/15 11:26am

You Don't Have Daddy Issues But Your Piece of Shit Father Might

Until recently, I’d never been on the website AskMen.com, I suppose largely because I never had the occasion to ask a man anything. The site’s tagline touts that it is a place where men can become better men, though on my first visit I’m already suspicious that any of my questions will be answered or that I will… »6/20/15 4:00pm6/20/15 4:00pm

Happy National Ex-Spouse Day, You Broken, Detestable Loser 

If National Proposal Day didn’t make you feel like the piece of garbage that you are because no one’s marrying you, there’s another national holiday to remind you that we all die alone, especially if your marriage has failed, as divorce is the mark of your true and irreconcilable shortcomings as a human being. »4/14/15 6:30pm4/14/15 6:30pm

New Year's Eve Is Awful and John Oliver Is Here to Help You Escape

My favorite part of aging has been the freedom to admit New Year's Eve is exhausting and instead of going out in sparkly high heels I'd rather watch New Year's Rockin' Eve from my couch, swilling Andre while wearing sweatpants. If you are similarly inclined but feel obliged to provide plausible excuses to your… »12/29/14 10:00am12/29/14 10:00am

The Real Meaning Behind the Shitty Christmas Gifts You Didn't Ask For

I used to think that getting a crappy Christmas gift was a reflection on the bad judgment and lack of creativity of the giver of said gift. And, in some cases, it is—the plastic bag of anti-aging Avon cosmetics for a woman with a "medium to dark" complexion that my mean aunt gave me when I was a freckle-faced… »12/26/14 3:30pm12/26/14 3:30pm

How to Deal with a Racist Relative Over the Holidays

Do you have the misfortune of spending the holidays with one or more of your racist relatives? Are you not sure what to say when they unleash their casual, subtle or overt racism at the dinner table? If so, Franchesca Ramsey—creator of Shit White Girls Say...to Black Girls—has you covered with this thoroughly helpful… »12/23/14 5:40pm12/23/14 5:40pm

The Aggressively Terrible Life of the Real Simple Holiday Hostess

It's the holidays: time for women to be endlessly instructed in the fine art of entertaining. But, like witches, hostesses come in the categories of "good" and "bad." Lady Macbeth is a bad hostess. She and her husband plot to kill Duncan while he is staying with them. It's bad enough to murder a man while he sleeps,… »12/23/14 5:00pm12/23/14 5:00pm