If you think you’re a survivor, meet Ann Rodgers, the 72-year-old who lasted over a week in the Arizona desert subsisting solely on plants and pond water.

I’m not going to lie, the month of March has not been good to my Woke Bae endeavor. There were plenty of Baes but they be sleep. However, like the menstruation mensch of my dreams, our Male Tampon Ally has appeared like a uterus-loving messiah and he is woke as hell, y’all.

Described as “the Eloise from hell,” Fannie Lowenstein made the Plaza Hotel her playground. She was apparently such a terror that even Donald Trump placated her by giving in to the demand that he meet with her privately, after buying the hotel in 1987.

Before you watch, you should know that Colorado convenience store clerk Rebecca Montano did save the baby. The baby is okay. It’s still a very awkward and scary video.

These days, what with all the Wall Street bankers and Washington fat cats breathing down our necks, it’s hard for the average Joe to make a buck or—in some extreme cases—slurp down a tasty soda. Sure, if you’re wealthy, you can drown in Cokes and Sprites and Orange Crushes, but what of the every man? When will HE or…

Contact the author at jia@jezebel.com.

The nicest thing I remember doing for my dad when I was 19 was buying him a new set of grilling utensils. He loved that set, and used it to cook delicious meals for years. Wait—come to think of it, someone else gave him those. I guess I don’t remember the nicest thing I did for my dad when I was 19, because the nicest…

The identity of the woman who perfectly expressed a sane person’s reaction to being at a Donald Trump rally by whipping out a book and refusing to put it down has been revealed. Twenty-three year-old Johari Osayi Idusuyi is the woman behind the head flip heard ‘round the nation.

Marie Wilcox, an octogenarian Native American woman from the San Joaquin Valley in California, was born on Thanksgiving in 1933; she grew up in a one-room house with the grandmother who delivered her and spoke her native Wukchumni, and I believe this video will assure you—Marie is better than you or I will ever be.

On Monday, Donald Trump spent an hour in Springfield, Illinois, bumbling in front of a crowd of supporters and one amazing lady who found herself in the front few rows of Trump rally and completely unwilling to give a shit.

Today is a really great day.

The closest thing we have to Bartleby the Scrivener in the year 2015 is Ronald Dillon, a NYC Health Department employee who works for the agency’s IT help desk and literally won’t stop talking like a robot.

Three Americans, including two off-duty service members, are being praised as heroes after apprehending a suspected terrorist on a high-speed train traveling from Amsterdam to Paris. The Americans rushed the suspect and knocked him unconscious with his own AK-47, the New York Times reports.

The BBC picked up this truly adorable story out of Chieti, in central Italy: a nonagenarian named Nicola Torello has just finished middle school with excellent grades.

The kids are all right, specifically this one: Anson Lemmer, age 19, home for the summer in Glenwood Springs, Colorado, was on his second day working at a local joint called Uncle Pizza when he found himself saving a life.

Did you know that Taylor Swift hands out light-up bracelets that synchronize to her music at all of her concerts? Does the idea sound dumb to you? Well, how dumb are they now that you know that they SAVE teens’ lives??? That’s right! Not dumb at all!

Dance Moms—the Lifetime reality series about a group of smack-talking goblin mothers who exploit their daughters’ excessive talent for fame—is not a good show. It’s a great show! And, best of all, it’s a show with a message.