9 Tweets From Rachel Dolezal That Will Really Make You Think

In the coming days, the Rachel Dolezal story—the tale of a white woman from Spokane, Washington whose family said pretended to be black for almost a decade—will surely be used as a thinking-off point for many complicated and important ideas about race, power, passing, Iggy Azalea, etc. In the meantime, let it be a… »6/12/15 9:30am6/12/15 9:30am

Back to the Future II Was Set in 2015. But Can Anyone Shut Up About It

"Where's my hoverboard," am I right, guys? One thing that Back to the Future II definitely got wrong about 2015 is how many miniature turds of internet content we would poop out about it, resulting in an expanded space-time #ContentUniverse in which the comparison of the actual 2015 present with a fictional 2015… »1/02/15 11:50am1/02/15 11:50am

This Week in Tabloids: Is Lionel Richie Khloe Kardashian's Real Father?

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which you and I take our mortal clay to the Lord's pottery wheel and gently shape a glittery turd to pass back and forth between our butts forever. This week, Ariana Grande refuses to shower after the gym; Lionel Richie created Khloe Kardashian out of his very own sperm-buddies;… »10/15/14 4:10pm10/15/14 4:10pm

New Croc Monstrosities Are Coming Because Crocs Will Never Go Away

Crocs, Inc., the company responsible for those ugly porous foot holders for shoe-resistant people, has been floundering lately. Things have changed a lot since 2007, when the world populace lined up to place their appendages into lightweight clogs — but now, as Crocs, Inc. wheezes helplessly, a charitable figure has… »12/31/13 12:20pm12/31/13 12:20pm

Heartbreak City: Blind Man and Dog Who Saved Him Might Be Separated [Updated]

Yesterday morning, 61-year-old blind man Cecil Williams fainted and fell into the tracks at a Harlem subway station. His guide dog Orlando acted quickly, barking to alert others about Williams' fall and then hopping down to try and help him. Unfortunately, a train came quickly and Williams had to hold Orlando closely… »12/18/13 12:00am12/18/13 12:00am

I Read the Bachelorette Winner's Book of 'Poetry' So You Don't Have To

The Bachelorette is a television show in which they lock a rag-tag band of mostly white hotties in a house and force them to compete over the heart of a woman. To do so, the captive hotties utilize muscles, tongue-kissing, and generic combinations of the phrases "looking for a real relationship," "family really… »8/30/13 12:30pm8/30/13 12:30pm

So, You’re That One Friend Who's Still Trying To Quit Smoking. Me Too.

The amazing thing about nicotine addiction: It's an addiction! Like, you feel like you can't stop no matter how much you want to! The second amazing thing about nicotine addiction: People who have never been addicted to cigarettes (or smoked significantly less than you before they quit) cannot fundamentally understand… »6/08/13 2:00pm6/08/13 2:00pm

How To Stay Cool and Calm When Your Power Goes Out

Thanks to either global climate change or an angry Satan turning up the thermostat in Hell, it's been hotter than a leather corseted scrotum outside in most of the country. And as everything gets intolerably hot, people are retreating to their enclosed indoor spaces and cranked up the air conditioning. This uses a lot… »7/09/12 5:50pm7/09/12 5:50pm