Pope Says You'll Get into Heaven Faster if You Follow Him on Twitter

Catholics who click on to the pope's Twitter feed on Catholic World Youth Day — a week-long event* that starts on July 22 — will gets an "indulgence", which is basically a get out of purgatory free card. The more you get, the faster you get the heck out of that hell-ish hole and straight up to the big dog's ice cream… » 7/17/13 11:30pm 7/17/13 11:30pm

Heaven Can't Help You, But Hell Just Might Be Able To

We have mixed feelings on God in these parts, but it turns out "He" had one thing right: if you threaten to punish bad deeds with an eternity spent in fiery misery, people shape up really fast. Or so says a new study that found that countries where there is a strong belief in hell also have lower crime rates. Who… » 6/28/12 2:20pm 6/28/12 2:20pm

Obituaries Are the Best Place for Score-Settling

After 94 years of life, Josie Anello was probably looking forward to ascending to Heaven and spending eternity far away from her bickering children. So she must have been quite disappointed to pass the Pearly Gates and pick up the newspaper (yes, they have newspapers in Heaven) and find this gem of an obituary, which… » 2/21/12 10:20am 2/21/12 10:20am

10 Crappy Facts About Heaven From The One Person Who Was Actually…

Turns out, God loves premature cynicism, absurdity, crippling insecurity masked in mostly bad jokes, and 12 year old boy humor, and thus yesterday at 6 pm, I was sucked by God's Hoover to heaven, just like that radio charlatan predicted. What he didn't predict, however, is how it really is up here. » 5/22/11 11:52am 5/22/11 11:52am

An Open Letter To Those Awaiting The Rapture

Dear Mark Heard,
Hey, so I heard about your little service in which you convince true-believing Christians to sign up to email their friends and loved ones after the Rapture takes them and leaves all the lesser Christians behind to suffer under the rule of the Antichrist for 7 years. Um, dude, I don't know if you put… » 6/10/08 12:30pm 6/10/08 12:30pm