​Parents of Hawaii Middle Schoolers Must Now Opt In For Sex Ed

You would think that in a state with the 12th worst chlamydia rate, where nearly one in ten girls aged 15-19 becomes pregnant, and where slightly more than half of high school students reported using a condom the last time they had sexual intercourse, sex ed would be pretty fucking valuable. Thanks to one… » 6/08/14 12:00pm 6/08/14 12:00pm

Jack Johnson (Remember Him?) Just Debuted a Line of Hippie Flip-Flops

Jack Johnson, whom you might remember from lazy summer days at the beach circa 2002, is still knocking around, rambling from sunny outdoor venue to sunny outdoor venue with a guitar slung over his back. And he wants you able to live the Jack Johnson lifestyle, as well. Hence the announcement of his own line of… » 4/22/14 6:30pm 4/22/14 6:30pm

Three-Year-Old Girl Dies After Horrifying First Visit to Dentist

A lot of people have a (generally) unwarranted fear of going to the dentist, because opening one's mouth under a bright light so a relative stranger can fiddle with one's teeth is a fairly daunting prospect. It's gross, nerve-wracking, and occasionally painful, but it should never, as it was recently for a… » 1/05/14 2:00pm 1/05/14 2:00pm

State Rep 'Fixes' Homelessness by Smashing Homeless People's Stuff

Hawaii State Representative Tom Brower is plum fed up with homeless people, all homelessing around on the streets not having homes, right out there where good homeful people can see them. It's like, UGH, why don't they just go ho—er, um, nm. Fortunately for everyone (oh, except for the victims of the social travesty… » 11/19/13 3:15pm 11/19/13 3:15pm

Hawaii Says Aloha (Hello!) to Same-Sex Marriage

The Hawaii Senate gave final legislative approval on Tuesday to a bill extending marriage rights to same-sex couples. Um, are we all having our destination weddings in Hawaii now? Because we're gonna all be all luaus, flower leis, sunning by the pool side, bikinis, sand in crotch, Blue Hawaiians in our hands now, we… » 11/13/13 12:30am 11/13/13 12:30am

Check Out Obama's Adorable Prom Pic

After last week's hellish scandal week, President Barack Obama could use a little PR break. What's this? Photos of a young Barry at his prom have unearthed and Michelle was not his date? Is that infidelity? Does this mean impeachment? IS HE WEARING MARIJUANA AROUND HIS NECK? Nope, this photo is just sweet and innocent. » 5/23/13 11:10am 5/23/13 11:10am

America's First Ever Hindu Congresswoman Will Take the Oath of Office Over the Bhagavad Gita

Last night, Hawaii not only elected Japan-born Mazie Hirono to be the first ever Asian-American woman elected to the Senate, they also elected Democrat Tulsi Gabbard as the first ever practicing Hindu to the US House of Representatives. Hawaii has been declared a Fox News Disaster Zone. » 11/07/12 6:20pm 11/07/12 6:20pm

TSA Ruins Dying Woman's End-of-Life Trip to Hawaii, Is Officially The Worst

The Transportation Security Administration has surpassed "mothers-in-law" as the thing about which Americans most love to bitch. But unlike mothers-in-law, the TSA will never make you a hot meal, and they'll certainly never make sure you have clean towels and sheets when you come to visit because Lord knows the gals… » 10/10/12 4:50pm 10/10/12 4:50pm

Hawaii's Dolphins Can't Get Any Sleep Because of Tourists

Tourists in Hawaii really like to see dolphins, and that's fine because dolphins are magical (when they're not trying to bad-flipper isolated swimmers or murder innocent tiger sharks), but it's also creating a significant problem: insomniac dolphins aren't getting enough sleep because tourists keep wanting to stare… » 8/29/12 10:00am 8/29/12 10:00am

Senate Candidate Drowning in Campaign Money Buys Her Very Own TV Channel

Campaign ads are one of the worst parts of any election cycle, and the idea of having to watch them 24/7 sounds, frankly, like torture. That is why it seems very curious that Linda Lingle, a candidate for the U.S. Senate in Hawaii, has taken the unprecedented step of creating her own television channel to broadcast… » 6/18/12 10:00am 6/18/12 10:00am

Could These 4 Kickass Young Women Change the Face of Congress?

Washington DC's biggest export is bullshit, but not all news out of the Beltway is of or relating to said bullshit. In fact, sometimes, political news can be downright encouraging. Take, for example, the news that these four women — all 36 years old or younger — are running for Congress. Whether they can rattle cages… » 5/30/12 1:15pm 5/30/12 1:15pm

TSA Forces Woman to Use Her Breast Pump Before She Can Take It Through Security

In another shining moment in airport security history, a TSA agent at Kauai's Lihue Airport last week refused to let a woman bring her breast pump through security because the milk bottles were empty. Amy Strand, of Maui, was traveling with her 9-month old daughter and was carrying the electric pump. She was told she… » 3/05/12 12:00pm 3/05/12 12:00pm

Adorable Baby Shoves His Fingers Into Obama's Mouth

President Obama spent part of his Christmas visiting with troops who are stationed at a Marine Corps Base in Hawaii. At one point he posed for a photo with 8-month-old Cooper Wall Wagner and his parents, Capt. Greg Wagner and Meredith Wagner. While Obama and his parents were all smiles, cute little Cooper casually… » 12/26/11 12:30pm 12/26/11 12:30pm