Jezebel
crappy hour
Posts Tagged “
Guantanamo
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crappy hour
crappy hour
Leona Helmsley's Dog May Not Talk, But He Can Sort Of Explain The Recession
Today's evidence the economy is going straight to the Inferno: 600 Starbucks stores are closing, which will leave a gaping hole in the anchor of countless strip malls and exurban power centers. Oil prices have sunk car sales and rentals to historic lows, and the fact no one is traveling anymore has left casinos struggling to pay the power bills. How did the whole world collapse so quickly? If only Leona Helmsley's dog could talk, folks! (Nobody knows the trouble Trouble has seen.) See, fundamentally not much has changed, but the nature of the market is to exaggerate. Oil prices, which should maybe be around $100 a barrel, have been driven up by speculators. GM stock is at a 53-year low over car sales that are only at a 10-year low. Casinos are power-greedy structures that are generally loaded down with a few billion dollars in debt before they even open and there are 11,500 Starbucks locations that will stick around to sate your dependence on caffeinated milkshakes. But as Leona Helmsley once pointed out, only the little people pay taxes, and only the little people really have to worry about this recession stuff. Dick Grasso is keeping his $140 million payout, the CEO of Starbucks is keeping his billion dollar net worth, and little Trouble here is keeping his $100,000-a-year bodyguard services. That, torture and Obama's mortgage with me and Megan after the jump. More »
news roundup
Beaver, Trollops and Drinking, Oh My!
- Not to in any way indicate that we have anything less than the utmost horror and offense for torture, but Lt. Col. Diane Beaver who once urged our armed forces to conduct more brutal interrogations at Gitmo, testified today before the Senate Armed Services Committee about her role in torturing various people. Even when the jokes aren't appropriate, we still have to make them. [Washington Independent]
- Really, it was the fault of this video, which you should not listen to at your office without earphones, that explores in great depth why the news media didn't cover the "John McCain called his wife a cunt" story. [Erica Saves the Day, Glamocracy]
- Also, studies show you're drinking more than you think you're drinking, so tip your bartender well! [LA Times]
- Oh, what you wanted real news? Fine. Check in with me after the jump.
crappy hour
Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This But Please God Only Like 200 More Right?
God, where to begin today. Maybe with the fact that while your mortgage payment was tripling, Goldman Sachs's earnings fell a whole entire 11% ?? Or like, while the Justice Department was systematically sacking any and all prosecutors whose decisions on things like habeas corpus and torture and crap fell anywhere to the rational side of "automated Bush surrogate," the Pentagon was firing an official for the grave offense of noticing a billion dollar overage on a KBR invoice? Or how even as the net income necessary to join the Top 400 plutocrats, adjusted for inflation, has tripled since the beginning of the Clinton Administration, the McCain campaign is dissing on Obama's economic policy proposals for their inadequate FAITH IN THE MARKETS??? (Wait, was that a question? I don't even know anymore.) Megan and I babble about who should get taxed more and how — and she nominates Hitchens — after the jump. More »
crappy hour
World Mourns Tim Russert, Oil Prices
It was a bittersweet Father's Day, what with the untimely death of Tim Russert, who always reminded me of my own dad, who incidentally attended the War College, where one John McCain penned a thesis in 1974 that was just unearthed and scrutinized by the New York Times to remind us how this rabid ideologue once had some interesting ideas, if the tendency to mess with the facts, and in that vein Barack Obama told black men of the world to stop watching SportsCenter since the games are all fixed anyway, and the Saudis agreed to do a little more to ease mass starvation and global chaos and George Bush promised he would get that Bin Laden guy for finally. But if seven years of waterboarding and sham trials and upending the justice department didn't do it, what will??? That and Condi in Israel with me and Megan and my hangover after the jump. More »
crappy hour
Bureaucracy Comes For Us All, Gitmo Or No
Moe is stuck in bureaucratic hell this morning, so who in the world am I going to call at 9:30 to help me write Crappy Hour? That's right, it's the Megan and Spencer Windy Attackerman show this morning, as we bring you more delicious detainee rights goodness, with a side of hate for Doug Feith, John Yoo, Robert Mugabe and mornings in general. More »
news roundup
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Hates His Nose In This Picture
- Khalid Sheikh Mohammed thinks the courtroom artist drew his nose too wide. He lost a bunch of weight on the Guantanamo diet and totally turns out to be one of those secretly vain terror masterminds. [USA Today]
- This will shock you: Bob Dylan is voting for Barack Obama. Okay, I was kidding about the shocked part. [Times]
- There was this whole movement afoot to strongarm Barry into picking Hillary over some of his other bros but I think Hillary took a step back and said, "You know, this is bullshit, I don't care anymore, if he wants me he wants me," and although the hardest part about doing that is always the realization that he's probably gonna be all "It ain't me babe," I'm glad she did that. [NY Times]
- You just have to accept that in the Catholic Church shit takes awhile, and that if a priest is accused of pedophilia it might take a few years or even decades to remove him. Now, if he mocks Hillary Clinton and it ends up on YouTube, on the other hand, now that is when you gotta sever all ties right away. [Chicago Tribune] [The Root]
- Well this is a new one: alcohol cutting your risk of arthritis. I pretty much always thought gout was arthritis, and that you get that from wine, so this is pretty awesome news, not that I would even notice I had arthritis what with the shakes and whatnot. [BBC]
new terms
Staledating: Or, How Dating Can Be Almost As Fun As Getting Waterboarded!
Staledating. This is what happens when the entire non-courtship feels like amicable divorce. Or, let's get serious, Guantanamo. He is the interrogator and you are Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and society has implicated you in the hijacking death of its high school girlfriend and his high school girlfriend was hijacked by some douchebag band dude once, and you will gladly assume credit for that and her death if it makes your interactions more amusing, since that is all you have; this is the fate you chose when you moved here. "Come on," he tells you, every time you meet. "You want a boyfriend. Everyone does. It is human nature. Look at you, you look so haggard. You want to stop this. I could stop this. Any time, just admit to me that that you desire a house and a lawn and a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes just like everyone else in the world, admit to me that the ideology of the hegemony is superior or it would not have claimed hegemony to begin with, and that history should have ended already, and I will hand you the keys to your freedom." Ah, freedom. More »
rag trade
Is Anna Wintour Taking Money From Charity To Pay Amy Linehouse?
- Does Anna Wintour love Amy Winehouse even more than Karl Lagerfeld does? Word on the street is that the singer who wouldn't go to rehab only to go to rehab has been offered $1 million to play at the Wintour-hosted Costume Institute Gala. But a rep says that can't be true since the Costume Institute Gala is supposed to be, you know, a benefit. For the children probably! [WWD, 1st item]
- Some outfit called the New Enthusiasm is spoofing Marc Jacobs and Juergen Teller, the guy who shoots all those ads of his, with John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg, and now everyone is wondering what could possibly be the motive behind such a peculiar stunt. We have no earthly idea! That is why we present you with this hyperlink, so you can further ponder what it all means. [Sassybella]
- Anya Hindmarch's London flagship was burgled last night, the second robbery the store has experienced in the past year. Can you think of a handbag designer whose inventory you would covet less than Anya's? Because I'm having trouble. [Vogue UK]
- Oh god, you know, just when this industry's political statements could not get any more absurd: Agent Provacateur's "Fair Trial My Arse" underwear. [Sassybella]
- Also, the rumors aren't true: Katie Homes is not designing for Armani. [E!]
The Beauty Of War
Lush is trying to start a revolution in the bath: They're calling their latest fizzing bath product a "ballistic," and have named the product Guantanamo Garden. "When immersed in water, each product releases a photograph of Sami Al Haj or Binyam Mohamed, who are prisoners at Guantanamo, and information on how to learn more about the human rights charity Reprieve," reports WWD. Which is, um, a little hardcore for bath time. [WWD, sub req'd]
Lush is trying to start a revolution in the bath: They're calling their latest fizzing bath product a "ballistic," and have named the product Guantanamo Garden. "When immersed in water, each product releases a photograph of Sami Al Haj or Binyam Mohamed, who are prisoners at Guantanamo, and information on how to learn more about the human rights charity Reprieve," reports WWD. Which is, um, a little hardcore for bath time. [WWD, sub req'd]
rag trade
Holy Itshay, What Is That Big Black Man Doing On The Cover Of Vogue?!
- Gisele appears on the cover of the April Vogue with...Lebron James. This is may seem like an historic event on par with, say, a black president, but that would belie how far we've come as a nation, revealed by the dead-first comment reacting to the news on our brother blog Deadspin: "That cover would have been much more fantastic if he had been dressed a la Andre french vogue. Oh Anna, Anna, Anna." Our take: Lebron probably exercises more influence over footwear and apparel sales than Anna Wintour and Gisele and Karl Lagerfeld combined. If Vogue really wanted to think outside the (heh) box, they'd make over Lebron's mom. [Deadspin]
- Christian Siriano update: found backers for his clothing line, had a fit meeting with Victoria Beckham yesterday, taping Leno tonight, and is slated for an Ugly Betty cameo. Surely nothing like this could end in anticlimax and obscurity? [WWD, 2nd item]
- Karl Lagerfeld on the just-opened Chanel Mobile Art pavillion: "It's a building, but also an object at the same time. It's like a sculpture you can walk in." [WWD, sub req'd]
- Reese Witherspoon is the face of the new U by Ungaro fragrance, being licensed by Avon. Do you care? You so care, don't you. [WWD, sub req'd]
crappy hour
Harold & Kumar Get Bongwaterboarded!
Hey guys! Happy holiday we're not observing! Did you know Kumar from Harold & Kumar is an Obama supporter? Then you also probably knew Harold & Kumar are going to Guantanamo Bay this spring, just three days after the Pennsylvania primaries! Apparently the air marshals confuse "bong" with "bomb" and...get served burgers made from beef that is probably wayyyyy safer than the shit they are feeding your kids? (Hey, for the record, a CIA interrogator says Guantanamo isn't so bad. And wait, they have universal health care there, right?) That and Kosovo declares independence, John Edwards still doesn't declare his support for anyone, and the holy shit sad campus shooter's girlfriend after the jump with me and Megan Carpentier, who, as a bonus is IM-ing me from my couch. More »
crappy hour
Broke Hillary Fires Loyal Hill Force One Captain Patti Solis Doyle
Oh Patti Solis Doyle, we hardly knew ya! Maybe it is just that you resemble Rachael Ray, but even though your job running the Clinton campaign was surely tortuous, you always seemed so sunny and approachable. Unlike your boss's husband, we really did have a soft spot for you. But while you were masterminding such lighthearted and humanizing moments as that prank whereby Hillary pretended she was a flight attendant on her very own jet, Hill Force One was burning precarious amounts of campaign cash on its way to crash landings in Nebraska, Maine and Washington State. For the record, Megan and I think it was stupid to fire you on the eve of the eve of the three big Beltway caucuses. But if it means you'll be freed up to go on the talk show circuit and bump that annoying Terry McAuliffe from his designated position as the go-to Hillary mouthpiece, well, at least there is that. In other news Obama won a bunch of states, Bush wants to execute a bunch of Guantanamo detainees and John Edwards, like Natalie Imbruglia, is torn... More »
end of days
Fergie's Bodily Functions Strike Again
- Poor Fergie reportedly barfed all over herself while at the Minnesota State Fair. Maybe it was all the fried food on a stick? [Dlisted]
- Speaking of Minnesota: Republican Senator Larry Craig got busted by the police for "lewd behavior" in the gentleman's room of a Minnesota airport. Hasn't the Land Of 10,000 Lakes been through enough?! [Crooks and Liars]
- Michael Vick is going to jail and rightly so. But lets also remember that we live in a country where the man behind the Katrina debacle, Michael Chertoff, may be getting a promotion. [BBC]
- President Bush says that poor little Alberto Gonzalez endured "unfair treatment" during his tenure as Attorney General. [CNN]
