Have you misplaced a goat? If so, the police department of Paramus, New Jersey would like a word.

Senator Ted "the United Nations is trying to invade the U.S. and enslave us all" Cruz isn't one to tone down his rhetoric for anybody. That includes a confused, terrified three-year-old in New Hampshire who didn't understand that Uncle Ted's fire and brimstone language isn't meant to be literal.

Here is a map that is the only map you will ever need ever again in your entire map. Delete all your Google Map links, burn all your Rand McNally maps and take that stupid globe and chuck it in the dumpsters. Because none of those maps include goats and are therefor entirely irrelevant.

Dogs eating peanut butter? Meh. Cats eating peanut butter? Kinda silly but not all that remarkable. A goat eating peanut butter? Absolutely captivating.

Are you staring mournfully at your Christmas tree, wondering what in the hell you're going to do with a six-foot-tall piece of dead vegetation? Well, if you live in Reno, consider feeding it to a herd of goats.

This December didn't exactly sweep in on a cloud of good tidings and evergreen scent, now did it? But don't despair, for unto you a child is born—specifically, a baby pygmy goat named Benjamin who's being raised in a nursery and is the absolute goddamn cutest thing ever.

And so, the Summer of Goats continues.

Goats are everywhere: Singing the national anthem, stampeding across the Internet, and now they're covering the theme song to Jurassic Park, the greatest summer blockbuster of all time (I am prepared to fight for this claim).

Just in time for Fourth of July, we have the perfect video to sum up everything you are feeling about America today.

The roiling hordes of Internet users demand cute—but they also demand novelty. With Grumpy Cat nearing 100% mindshare, cats are played out. Puppies are just so, so obvious. Sloths are weird. Bunnies are niche, their appeal limited to avant/fashion types.

I'm falling in love with everyone in this video. Help.

She's asking the goat in the mirror to change her ways, but that's just not happening.

First thing to mention about this vaguely pornographic video of young goats drinking milk from two giant bottles strapped to the thorax of an overly-tolerant bull terrier: goats wag their tails! Am I just finding this out? My uncle had a bunch of goats when I was younger and they never wagged their tails. Were…

This was in the Old Testament, right? And Sarah leaned down to pet a goat. And the goat rose up and nuzzled her head. And an actual buttload of goats came upon Sarah and bore down on her in a mass of snuggles, and someone was there to film it and put it on the Internet, and it was good.

Squee! This morning on Today, Hoda and Kathie Lee met two baby goats from the Stamford Museum and Nature Center in Connecticut that had been named Hoda and Kathie Lee.

This is a tourist ad for Newfoundland. I think I'd now like to visit.