Silent Bridal Showers Are Real, and They're Shameless

Everyone knows that the point of a shower (wedding or baby) is to get presents. Most people, however, at least pretend to believe the polite fiction that showers are a time to get together and celebrate, because it’s inappropriate to just go after people for money without even pretending you want to see them. Not… » 6/11/15 12:50pm 6/11/15 12:50pm

The Worst Wedding Gifts, Ranked

Weddings are about two things: Having hella fun with your friends and then charging them for the privilege of attending. But because every gift you receive is a mandatory thank you note to write, even the best gifts can be pain. So what happens when you get an awful gift? Like a handmade puppet or a fertility idol? Do… » 4/30/15 4:50pm 4/30/15 4:50pm

Beware the Best Buy Wedding Registry, Lest You Look Like an Asshole

Wedding registries are a funny thing, an anachronism of the engagement and marriage process of yore. They're a throwback to the days when couples married younger and really were just starting out. Things are much different now, but registries are still a big business. Best Buy wants a piece of that action, so they've… » 2/16/15 2:30pm 2/16/15 2:30pm

The Real Meaning Behind the Shitty Christmas Gifts You Didn't Ask For

I used to think that getting a crappy Christmas gift was a reflection on the bad judgment and lack of creativity of the giver of said gift. And, in some cases, it is—the plastic bag of anti-aging Avon cosmetics for a woman with a "medium to dark" complexion that my mean aunt gave me when I was a freckle-faced… » 12/26/14 3:30pm 12/26/14 3:30pm

Oprah's 'Favorite Things' Will Run You $13,054

Oprah, who future civilizations will look back upon and assume was our queen, has released her annual "Favorite Things" list. Long gone are the days when we witnessed the unveiling of this rich lady fantasy on-air as a lucky studio audience of women had controlled brain aneurisms. Now, we must be content with clicking… » 11/05/14 3:45pm 11/05/14 3:45pm

Buy a Fried Chicken Scented Candle for the Dieting Relative You Hate

There is now, thanks to the dual triumph of American gluttony AND ingenuity, a scented candle that, when set aflame, gives off the sweet, crispy aroma of fried chicken. The hapless victims of your gifting laziness at least deserve a candle that will start a few awkward conversations and trick them into thinking… » 11/24/13 3:30pm 11/24/13 3:30pm

Your Official Last-Minute Guide to Last-Minute Mother’s Day Gifts

Fuck, you forgot that it’s Mother’s Day, didn’t you? And now you’re thinking of trying to play it off with a quick phone call and an impromptu recitation of a found poem you’ve cobbled together from an old modernism anthology that you only half-read. Your mom will see right through that, of course, and she’ll be… » 5/12/13 5:00pm 5/12/13 5:00pm