The Real Meaning Behind the Shitty Christmas Gifts You Didn't Ask For

I used to think that getting a crappy Christmas gift was a reflection on the bad judgment and lack of creativity of the giver of said gift. And, in some cases, it is—the plastic bag of anti-aging Avon cosmetics for a woman with a "medium to dark" complexion that my mean aunt gave me when I was a freckle-faced… » 12/26/14 3:30pm 12/26/14 3:30pm

Oprah's 'Favorite Things' Will Run You $13,054

Oprah, who future civilizations will look back upon and assume was our queen, has released her annual "Favorite Things" list. Long gone are the days when we witnessed the unveiling of this rich lady fantasy on-air as a lucky studio audience of women had controlled brain aneurisms. Now, we must be content with clicking… » 11/05/14 3:45pm 11/05/14 3:45pm

Buy a Fried Chicken Scented Candle for the Dieting Relative You Hate

There is now, thanks to the dual triumph of American gluttony AND ingenuity, a scented candle that, when set aflame, gives off the sweet, crispy aroma of fried chicken. The hapless victims of your gifting laziness at least deserve a candle that will start a few awkward conversations and trick them into thinking… » 11/24/13 3:30pm 11/24/13 3:30pm

Your Official Last-Minute Guide to Last-Minute Mother’s Day Gifts

Fuck, you forgot that it’s Mother’s Day, didn’t you? And now you’re thinking of trying to play it off with a quick phone call and an impromptu recitation of a found poem you’ve cobbled together from an old modernism anthology that you only half-read. Your mom will see right through that, of course, and she’ll be… » 5/12/13 5:00pm 5/12/13 5:00pm

Passive-Aggressive Gifts for Your Horrible Mother-in-Law

You don't get to choose your family. And so sometimes we wind up in families with people who are...less than choose-worthy. Then again, a lot of people have a lot of mother-in-laws that they like a lot! Because mother-in-laws are a lot like people (some legends hold that they actually are people!!!), which means that… » 11/24/12 2:00pm 11/24/12 2:00pm