Resentful Florida Teen Will Seek Senate Reelection After All, and Honestly, Why Do You Guys Even Care, Go Away

“I have only said like 1000 times I will be a private citizen in January,” failed Republican presidential candidate and agitated ninth grader Marco Rubio tweeted approximately one month ago, in response to a Washington Post story that suggested he was unsure about his political future. On Wednesday, the Washington…

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Florida Governor/Voldemort Rick Scott: 'The Second Amendment Didn't Kill Anybody'

In an interview with CNN today, Florida Governor Rick Scott—an empty shell of a man so comically villainous that comparisons to Voldemort are unfair to Voldemort—defended Florida’s gun laws. In the interview, Scott was asked about President Obama’s speech where he challenged, “those who defend the easy accessibility…

Anderson Cooper Reminds Florida AG Pam Bondi That Her Office Doesn't Actually Support LGBT Rights

Anderson Cooper is covering the devastating Orlando massacre on the ground this week; on Tuesday, he delivered a righteously satisfying grilling to state attorney general Pam Bondi, whose office spent years fighting gay couples who wanted to have their marriages recognized in Florida.

Football Player Arrested After At Least 16 Students Allegedly Had Sex With Girl in HS Bathroom 

A high school football player is the first person to be criminally charged in a disturbing incident at Florida’s South Fort Myers High School, where between 16 and 25 male students are alleged to have had sex with a 15-year-old female student in a school bathroom. The girl’s family said last week she was previously a…

Teenage Girls Drowned In Stolen Car As Police Debated Rescue: Reports

As deputies debated the safety of carrying out the rescue of a stolen car from a Florida pond on March 31, three teenage girls drowned inside, according to news reports. Deputies deemed the rescue unsafe after wading into the water, but dashcam footage led the girls’ families to question how much the deputies did to…

Florida Congressional Candidate Penned Gross Song(?) About Banging a Very Drunk Woman

Before he was a star on the rise in the world of Florida politics, State Senator Darren Soto was apparently a member George Washington University Law School’s Law Revue, a “musical and sketch comedy show,” which sounds almost as terrible as the Florida House of Representatives. In 2006, three short years after he…

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Florida's First Lady Is Very Sorry She Read 10-Year-Olds a Book About Prostitutes 

Up until now, Florida First Lady Ann Scott has flown largely under the radar; her biggest faux pas has been being married to Rick Scott, the much-disliked governor of the worst state in America. But that changed on Thursday when she decided to read a classroom of Hillsborough County fifth-graders a classic novel…