Haters, Gather 'Round: Let's All Hate On the New McDonald's Tagline

McDonalds is in a bit of a pickle. It seems that people aren't trying to get their Big Mac on quite like they used to. Profits are declining while Americans stuff themselves with Chipotle burritos. What is the largest hamburger fast food chain on Earth to do? They could focus on improving their product or perhaps… » 10/28/14 5:15pm 10/28/14 5:15pm

Nobody's Eating Breakfast at Home Anymore

Stop buying breakfast tables because they're nothing more than a giant junk-mail bucket because nobody ever eats breakfast anymore because the 1960s are over. Sadly, our good friend cereal is a casualty. » 9/22/14 1:15pm 9/22/14 1:15pm

My 14-Hour Search for the End of TGI Friday's Endless Appetizers

What if I told you that mozzarella sticks never had to end? That for $10, you could eat for free (for $10) for the rest of your natural life? That there exists a spot in the space-time continuum in which it is always Friday? That there are free refills on all Slushes™ excluding Red Bull® branded items?… » 7/18/14 1:59pm 7/18/14 1:59pm

I Tried the Subway Flatizza. It Was Everything You'd Expect and More.

Due to overwhelming demand (and my own natural curiosity) I finally broke down and tried a product that's made a lot of headlines lately—Subway's new pizza concoction, the "Flatizza." » 5/15/14 2:00pm 5/15/14 2:00pm

Ronald McDonald Gets a Normcore Makeover

America's favorite wage-thieving nightmare clown is getting a sartorial makeover, abandoning his traditional avant-garde drop crotch onesie for something decidedly more pedestrian (actual capris). » 4/24/14 1:45pm 4/24/14 1:45pm

New Ads Stress That Thick, Juicy Burgers Are Definitely Not for Ladies

One of them, unsurprisingly, is via Carl's Jr.—the Western X-tra Bacon Thickburger. The point is shoved home via a fake Mystique morphing into a beefy dude before she takes a bite. » 3/28/14 1:20pm 3/28/14 1:20pm

Florida McDonald's Taking Reservations for Valentine's Day Dinner

Happy Valentine's Day! Scrambling to make last-minute plans because you forgot it was Valentine's Day until you read the first line of this article? No worries; McDonald's has you covered (if you're in Florida, that is). » 2/14/14 11:10am 2/14/14 11:10am

People Petition McDonald’s to Ruin Vegetables Just Like It Ruined Beef

Vegetarians all over these United States have turned out by the metaphorical wagonload to take a stand and sign a petition that could radically change the way Americans consume food: McDonald's should add a "meatless protein-centric option" to its menu. » 2/02/14 1:30pm 2/02/14 1:30pm

Idjits Support Bearded Reality TV Homophobe With 'Chick Phil A' Day

Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson recently found himself suspended from filming the massively popular reality show for saying shitty things about gay people in an interview with GQ (and, uh, a lot of other times, turns out). Now, the mouth-breathing dinosaur-minded morons who support him are staging a protest at Chick… » 12/27/13 7:15pm 12/27/13 7:15pm

RIP Mighty Wings: A Look Back at the Greatest Fast Food Failures

Tragedy. McDonald's is stuck with 10 million pounds of delicious, weird, kind of chemically-tasting "Mighty Wings" after yet-another of the fast food giant's attempt to expand from burgers, things that sort of look like burgers and fries totally failed. » 12/23/13 12:00pm 12/23/13 12:00pm

The President of Cinnabon Is an Unapologetic ‘Gut Bomb’ Purveyor

Real talk: Cinnabon, that foodcourt-born purveyor of tire-sized cinnamon rolls drizzled with semen milked piping hot from the royal penis of King Kandy himself, tried and failed recently to make its Classic Roll less of a pancreatic catastrophe. Even people who really didn’t go all-in for the 880-calorie baked… » 9/28/13 2:30pm 9/28/13 2:30pm

McDonald's to Offer Hip and Trendy Side Salads With Value Meals

In an effort to suit "contemporary tastes," McDonald's has announced that it's adding fruits and vegetables to its menu, which customers can choose in lieu of fries when ordering a value meal. » 9/27/13 10:00am 9/27/13 10:00am

Apparently People Are Exchanging Sex for McDonald's?

Giving new meaning to the Happy Meal (HAR), a 58-year-old New Mexico man was arrested last week after he paid a sex worker in food from McDonalds. Sorry, all I can think of is Wendy on Breaking Bad. » 4/16/13 10:30pm 4/16/13 10:30pm

Fast Food Makes Up 11% of Our Total Calories as a Nation

Gooooooooo America! Some countries might be all, "Pooh pooh, I dew nut allow my cheezbeurgueur quotient to rise abeuve 5% beceuze I am tew beezay eating verrrry small miniateure cheeckens and plump oleeves straight frem de vine!" (That's my "other country" accent. I'm really good at it.) But America is like, "Oh,… » 2/21/13 3:00pm 2/21/13 3:00pm

Chick-fil-A Owners to Stop Funding Anti-Gay Groups, Will Still Be…

Today, Chick-fil-A's famously homophobic owners released a statement announcing that the fast food chain would no longer be donating money to anti-gay groups. Victory, right? We totally win, right?! Not really. Regardless of whether the Chick-fil-A brass are contributing to a camp that uses Jesus to turn homos into… » 9/19/12 2:05pm 9/19/12 2:05pm

McDonald's Menus to Begin Telling You How McBad-For-You the Food Is

Micky D's is getting a jump on a national requirement that big restaurant chains post their menu items' caloric content. Starting Monday, whenever you walk, sashay, cartwheel, tap dance, mosey, crawl, or languidly roll beneath the golden arches, you'll be confronted by some cold, hard truths: single McDonald's food… » 9/12/12 7:15pm 9/12/12 7:15pm

McDonalds's Apple Slices Recalled Because They're Crawling with Disease

Neat! Remember when everyone went gaga about calories and health and so all the fast food chains scrambled to invent some hella gross wilty cheese-covered "salads" and gave kids the option of having apples and walnuts instead of fries with their 8,000-calorie cheeseburgers? (Health crisis solved!) Well, turns out… » 8/13/12 7:15pm 8/13/12 7:15pm

Chick-fil-A in New Hampshire Goes Rogue, Announces Plans to Sponsor Gay…

Bigots in New Hampshire are going to have to find a way to support limited rights fer the queerz — the manager of the state's only Chick-fil-A has announced that unlike his parent company's CEO, he's just fine with gay people. So fine, in fact, that he'll continue to be a sponsor the state's gay pride festival so all… » 8/01/12 5:45pm 8/01/12 5:45pm