Relentless Holiday Consumerism Slowly Turns People into Mannequins

LONDON, ENGLAND - DECEMBER 28: A man shouts through a mega phone to entice people into a store on Regent Street on December 28, 2013 in London, England. Shoppers across the country are re-emerging to take advantage of the post Christmas sales which had been hit by the recent bad weather, with many shoppers turning to… » 12/28/13 3:00pm 12/28/13 3:00pm

Cat Thief Taunts Owner with Letter from the POV of Kidnapped Cat

There’s a lot of casual evil in the world: people riding two abreast in the bike lane, dentists, people in coach who recline their seat all the way back just when you’re opening your complimentary dime bag of pretzel shavings, and, as of today, people who steal other people’s cats and write gloating missives from the… » 10/19/13 3:30pm 10/19/13 3:30pm

Baby King George's Nursery Will Be 'Africa Themed'

Proud new father Prince William told CNN that he and Kate Middleton's child — the Baby King of England — will spend his helpless infant days in a nursery decorated with the theme of "Africa." It's important to note here that when I say "Africa," I don't mean like all the terrible stuff that the British monarchy has… » 8/22/13 9:30am 8/22/13 9:30am

Imprison the Royal Family and Abolish the Monarchy

As the world waits with bated breath for the emergence of the latest—and cutest—member of the British Royal Family, allow us to put forth a gentle reminder: In a just world, this innocent child would be going up for adoption, since its family would have been imprisoned for crimes against humanity. » 7/22/13 5:50pm 7/22/13 5:50pm

Sikh Temples in England Advised to Beware of Same-Sex Unions

At least one religious group in the UK is throwing a mini-tantrum over the country’s Same-Sex Marriage Act, which (hooray!) received Royal Assent this week. Fearing that future legal challenges will force them to perform same-sex marriages, Sikh temples in England have been advised by a special advisory board called… » 7/21/13 3:00pm 7/21/13 3:00pm

The Church of England May Allow Female Bishops...in Two Years

In the great race towards the 21st century, the Church of England’s time machine may be several decades ahead of the time machines of the other big Christian institutions (I imagine them to be racing Mario Kart style, but of course everyone’s free to make use of their own whimsy). On Friday, the Church of England… » 5/26/13 6:00pm 5/26/13 6:00pm

Fake Hufflepuff House Loses Its Shit When Real Badger Menaces Campus

Rarely does so perfect an opportunity to make fun of the sprawling, beloved world of Harry Potter emerge than it did in these past two weeks when an uncommonly large — one might say freakishly large — badger hauled its fuzzy bulk onto the ground of Folkestone School for Girls in Folkestone Kent, which is clearly code… » 5/26/13 5:30pm 5/26/13 5:30pm

Three Female Relatives With 85% Cancer Risk All Opt For Radical…

In November of last year, Miss America contestant Allyn Rose discovered that she had inherited a high genetic risk of breast cancer. She decided to get a double mastectomy—but only if she didn't win the pageant. But Even this wasn't enough of a kotow to the powers of pageantry. When she went public with her decision,… » 4/13/13 4:00pm 4/13/13 4:00pm

Lindsay Lohan Flies All the Way to Merry England Just to Crush on Max…

Take careful note — Taylor Swift and her expressionless porcelain face are not the only showbiz duo that can date a member of a British boy band. Lindsay Lohan, who some of you younger readers may know only as that actress who was in that Lifetime movie about another actress, has draped herself in a fur coat and flown… » 12/30/12 11:30am 12/30/12 11:30am

Many Clergywomen Consider Resignation After Church of England Denies…

Since the General Synod voted against allowing women to become bishops last week, the decision has become the biggest crisis faced by the Church of England for decades, alleges a piece on the post-vote fallout in UK periodical The Telegraph. Many of the present bishops (notably, the Archbishop of Canterbury, who cited… » 11/24/12 5:30pm 11/24/12 5:30pm

Missing Tips and Tricks From Pippa Middleton's Failing Party Planning…

Pippa Middleton's party planning book, Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends is bombing. Sales are so incredibly slow, it's been reduced by fifty percent on Amazon, and the reviews have been, well, harsh. Simplistic tips such as "parties is as parties does HEE HAW" have earned critics complaints… » 11/16/12 6:30pm 11/16/12 6:30pm

Britain's New Health Secretary in Favor of Reducing Abortion Cutoff…

Although abortion isn't quite a hot button in the UK as it is stateside, it looks like they're following our shitty example across the pond. Back in March, a fervent anti-abortion group filmed women coming out of a London clinic. The BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisory Service) is worried that the increasingly stigmatic… » 10/06/12 6:15pm 10/06/12 6:15pm

Queen of England has been Queening So Hard Lately that the Taxpayers…

If you were worried that Queen Elizabeth II was going to freeze to death, destitute and penniless on the cold rainy Little Match Girl streets of London this year, you can relax — the UK government has just given her a raise. From now on, instead of making £HOLYSHIT per year, she'll be pulling in £OHMYGODAREYOUSERIOUS… » 6/21/12 6:40pm 6/21/12 6:40pm

Be Careful, Queen Elizabeth, There's a Giant Rhino Behind You

CHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 17: Queen Elizabeth II visits Chester Zoo as part of her tour of the North West on May 17, 2012 in Chester, England. The Queen is visiting many parts of Britain as she celebrates her Diamond Jubilee culminating with a four-day public holiday on June 2-5, including a pageant of 1,000 boats on the… » 5/17/12 10:30pm 5/17/12 10:30pm