On Tuesday, Queen of Dollywood Dolly Parton took to social media to respond to reports that she had endorsed Hillary Clinton, clarifying that she supports the presumptive Democratic nominee in the same way she supports all of us, whom she loves dearly.
In an interview with NPR’s Weekend Edition that will air on Sunday, Joe Biden—your former BFF who you just can’t confide in anymore because they told everyone in the entire senior class that you’re still a virgin—reportedly announces Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton on his behalf. It appears that Bernie…
After weeks of hemming, hawing and scanning the room for the closest exits, House Speaker Paul Ryan has announced that he will vote for Donald Trump, an oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard. What a proud and exciting moment for us all.
Welcome, Sen. Lindsey Graham, to an extremely long list of Republicans who have suddenly and dramatically changed their tune.
Sleepiest badger Ben Carson roused himself early Monday morning to appear on some morning shows, where he defended his new BFF Donald Trump, claiming that violence at his rallies was the fault of protesters alone. On MSNBC’s Morning Joe, he called upon protesters at Trump rallies to engage in “civil discussion.” Just…
Shonda Rhimes and the all-female stars from her blockbuster #TGIT lineup have endorsed Hillary Clinton for president in a video released on Thursday evening.
On Friday morning, man perpetually waking up from a five-hour nap Ben Carson endorsed former rival Donald Trump. The endorsement took place at a Trump-owned country club in Florida. Heartwarming! And also, while we’re here, a very good time to look back on all the nice things Donald Trump has said about his newest…
It’s lonely being Ted Cruz, a middle-aged vampire sent to vacation Bible school and then the deep-discount rack at Men’s Wearhouse in quick succession. But today is an exciting day for Cruz, who today has made his second true friend. Everyone say hi to Ted’s new friend, Utah Senator Mike Lee!
Carly Fiorina, a moderately bad person who dropped out of the Republican presidential race in early February, announced Wednesday that she’s endorsing Ted Cruz, who is probably not the Zodiac Killer. What a match made in whatever afterlife you go to when you make a lot of compromises in life!
Friday afternoon on Instagram, Caitlyn Jenner revealed herself as the new face of MAC. “I’m finally free to announce my partnership with @MACcosmetics,” she wrote, adding, “All sales of our lipstick shade, Finally Free, go toward improving transgender communities.”
Earlier today the New York Times’ editorial board endorsed Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. In the endorsement, the board described Clinton as the most “deeply qualified presidential candidates in modern history,” noting that this is their fourth endorsement of the candidate (twice for the Senate and…
Confirming a rumor the Trump campaign has been eagerly stoking, Sarah Palin has announced that she will be endorsing Trump at a rally in Iowa this afternoon. Somewhere nearby, Ted Cruz is slowly crab-walking to his time-out closet, where he will spend the evening eating ice cubes in a hair shirt.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie: just a boy standing in front of a state, pleading with that state to return his calls. The New York Times reports that in a bid to revive his struggling presidential candidacy, he’s launched a charm offensive on the state officials of New Hampshire, conducted mostly by text.
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, a “violent revolutionary,” per Glenn Beck, endorsed Hillary Clinton Friday morning on MSNBC. De Blasio was Clinton’s campaign manager in 2000, the first time she ran for Senate. The violent overthrow of all we hold dear: it here.
Lolo Jones has been garnering a lot of attention at the Olympics and, according to the New York Times' Jeré Longman, this is not okay. Jones hasn't even won anything, so why should anyone bother paying any attention to her? Oh, because, thrusting Jones to the forefront of the Olympic stage is a "sad and cynical…
Finally, the political world can exhale — after months of anticipation, former adult film star Jenna Jameson has announced who she will be voting for in this November's Presidential election: former Massachusetts governor, possibly non-taxpaying rich cartoon dad Mittens Romney. But her reasoning behind her choice is…
Minnesota Congresswoman/America's Pretty Hate Machine Michele Bachmann is finally biting the bullet and endorsing her former rival Mitt Romney for President. Romney fans hope that this will bring Bachmann's merry band of people who hate taxes and gays to his side. But can an endorsement erase months of Romney-bashing…
Non-viable non-candidate Sarah Palin announced yesterday that her husband Todd has 'gone rogue' in endorsing Newt Gingrich for President, thus fulfilling her contractual obligation to mention the title of one of her books in every interview she ever does. It's like she knows America By Heart!
