Jezebel
you've got male
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you've got male
users are losers
Dudes Today: The Emotional Conquistador Is The New Sexual Conquistador
I think one of the biggest threats facing sexually-liberated women today is the Emotional Conquistador. It's become blatantly obvious to me in recent months that the power struggle between the sexes is still at play, but because the interactions in heterosexual relationships have shifted—with women taking a more aggressive approach to their sexual satisfaction, and becoming more adroit at compartmentalizing the physical from the emotional—we're now dealing with certain (insecure?) men who still have this innate need to take the upper hand. With the age-old option of sexual conquering removed from the equation, this male faction has been reduced to finding new ways to subjugate women, in order to feel better about themselves. So lately, guys have been trying to talk their way into receiving "feelings" instead of fellatio. Because, at the end of the day, they really want their egos stroked more than their dicks. After the jump, a cautionary tale. More »
his and hers
Some Of My Best Friends Are Dudes
In an article for the Washington Post, Brett Krutzsch writes about being a bridesman. Not a groom, not a best man, not a bridesmaid; the best friend of a girl getting married. Who happens to be a dude. "I was her Will, she my Grace," Krutzsch explains. "We shared interests in theater, East Village wine bars and overpriced denim." Yeah, Krutzsch is gay. And his friend, Sara, asked him to be a bridesmaid. "I thought I would be a trailblazer as bridesman, but no fuss was made," he says. "The photographer never mistakenly put me in line with the groomsmen, and not one guest asked what it felt like to be a bridesmaid. The liberal New York crowd, however, wasn't remotely fazed by my nontraditional role. They didn't even blink when [my boyfriend] and I danced together at the reception." I don't know who this Sara person is, but I do know one thing: If I ever have a wedding, there will be a posse of guys on my side of the altar. And not because I'm a copycat. More »
Crap voicemail from a dude
Dimitri The Lover's History Of Sexual Assault, Weapons Stockpiling And Psychiatric Evaluations
Oh god, here goes. You know how we sort of stopped wanting to hear about Paul Janka when he officially became an accused sex assailant (or actually, come to think of it, when he assaulted me a few months before that?) Well, over the course of a day Dimitri the creep behind a couple fake-seemingly funny voicemails revealed himself to be Dimitri the douchebag with disciples, who revealed himself to be Dmitri a.k.a. James Sears. And yeah, if all the "there's nothing wrong with me" talk on his voicemail wasn't a red enough flag for you, maybe the 1986 concern of the military psychiatrist who evaluated him during his enlistment in the Canadian Army that there was "something seriously wrong" with him is? But don't take it from those shrinks; his psychiatric evaluation when he went to med school states that he got drunk and high on call, made "numerous random and obsessive telephone calls" to women during which he would (only sometimes) jerk off, and was generally immature and narcissistic — but not enough to deny him a medical license. More »
save your life, cheap!
How The He's Just Not That Into You Guy Actually Helped Me Get Over My (Married) (Strip Club DJ) Ex-Boyfriend
Tormented? Driven witless? 99 problems but therapy bills ain't one? Welcome to "Save Your Life, Cheap!" in which we write about the dumb things that get America's uninsured through hard times. AA meetings, James Joyce, Ani di Franco, suicide hotlines…anything nonalcoholic can apply, the more embarrassing the better. Which brings me to: self-help. In our first installment, Sephora Spy's Loren Hunt reviews the $1 book that got her through the worst breakup ever.
So, it's probably safe to make the baseline assumption that self-help books are not the kind of thing that anyone reads because they think it's cool. For some reason, self-loathing became more inherently cool than trying to fix problems, which would explain the aura of lameness surrounding self-help books: the corny covers, the corny catchphrases, the corny jacket photos, and the corny titles, which are invariably presented in a corny (and really large, readable) font. There are no cool self-help books. Cool people do not write self-help books. Happy people write them. And they could give a fuck who thinks they're cool. And you know who else doesn't give a fuck who thinks they're cool? A 23-year-old stripper who just used up every last shred of self-regard finally "breaking up" with the three-timing strip club DJ she had been fucking for the past year. And that, friends, is how I came to appreciate It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, the second offering from Greg Berendt of He's Just Not That Into You fame.
More »
dudes
I Have A Crush On Vanity Fair's Vow To Vanquish The "Man Crush"
Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen is one of those guys who did some drug in the sixties that left him with a permanently enlarged Id. (Also: Does it sometime seem like former hippies who still have all their hair also retained their wholly undeserved level arrogance of their youths?) Anyway I never really paid attention to Richard Cohen, for reasons that now seem obvious, but we're glad Vanity Fair's James Wolcott did, because Richard Cohen's massive hardon for John McCain became the subject of an entertaining piece on the sickening spectacle that is the Man Crush. Not so! Richard Cohen whined yesterday. It's about VALOR AND INTEGRITY! And sticking to one's values and beliefs until death. Did I mention this guy broke up Peter Jennings' first marriage? Anyway, yesterday Wolcott struck back on his blog. AWESOMELY: More »
douche du jour
Meet Chris, Scruffy British Everydouche. He Interviewed All His Ex-Girlfriends For A Documentary. Turns Out They're Still Scarred!
I am fairly certain Chris Waitt is an incorrigible douchebag but I will pay to see his movie anyway because he has done something horrendously cynical and at once infuriatingly smart/totally obvious, which is to say: he went back and interviewed all his ex-girlfriends to ask why they kept dumping him and made it into a movie called A Complete History Of My Sexual Failures— trailer after the jump — which is out next week in… London. (But you can, um, upload a Facebook widget at the website!) Anyway, the point is, it seems all Chris's girlfriends dumped him for the same reason, because at some point everyone wearies of waiting around for the satisfaction of being dumped, and when you get to that point you're generally too busy trying to decide whether to target your contempt at yourself/him to even think to articulate any specific grievances for the sake of hearing yourself talk. So Chris goes back to hear what they would have said. (And also get spanked by a dominatrix.) Most of them blocked it out obviously! "All I remember is…you were a jerk," says this one, adding semi-poignantly: More »
Um, so "Vows" this weekend…between the word "excruciating" and the surveying everyone on "how they knew"… and the fact that this guy couldn't even figure out how he felt about this woman after 17 months in Africa I think it is safe to say it was the most depressing thing ever. (Fine, "ever" in that section.) Is Jonathon (spelling: what's with?) just gay? Or is it common for dudes to act like this? Discuss. [NYT]
dudes
Is There Anything More Painful Than Watching A Dude "Mancrush" On Another Dude?
Next month's Vanity Fair's examines the horror wreaked by the "man crush" upon our civilization in recent years: apparently Karl Rove formed a Man Crush on George W. Bush, who in turn nursed a mutual man crush on Tony Blair. Less disastrously, Nicolson Baker had a hardon for Updike. Every male member of the Washington press corps has crushed on John McCain just like every vaguely nebbishy college dude crushes on Obama and every pro-capitalist business journalist crushes on Jack Welch. (Oh yeah, and every guy also crushes on Tom Brady.) My friend Steve forms man crushes so frequently he has a standard line for when he's telling me about a new one: "And then we split a Luna bar." Which made me wonder: Women, you know, get girlcrushes all the time and it's no deal. So what is it about the man crush that is so excruciating to watch? I figured it out. More »
the hairline recession
Bald Dudes And You: 6 Male Patterns To Discuss
Sunday's Page Six Magazine offers up a first-person Balding Dudes and the Bonerkilling Drugs They Take To Stop Balding So They Can Get More Women To Embark Upon Unsatisfying Sex Romps With Them. Of course, by "investigate" I mean "not really," since it's Page Six Magazine and the story is basically that the author, Jeff Novich, starts balding, then spends five grand on Propecia, but gets neurotic when he hears that Propecia is supposed to lower your sex drive, I guess because baldness is linked to an overabundance of testosterone in your hair follicles, so in addition to Propecia, a lot of guys use Viagra and just learn to deal with sex lasting longer. Jeff even uses it as a pickup line (i.e. "I've never experienced any impotence problems, but don't take my word for it.") (Yeah, it didn't work.) Anyway, there are a few obvious discussion topics here, starting with "What is it about bald dudes?" moving all the way down to… "Doesn't Jeff know that getting Propecia covered is one of the easiest forms of insurance fraud known to modern emasculated man? More »
closing the deal
How Leveraging Your Date Rape Skills Can Make You A Tech Billionaire: The Inspiring Story Of Henry T. Nicholas III
Oh. My. God. Okay: Henry T. Nicholas III is the former CEO of Broadcom. Broadcom makes chips that run your cable boxes and cell phones and modems and crap, but that is so beside the point here. (Well, there is this theory that porn drives all communications and media innovation, but let's cut to the chase.) In the midst of investigating Broadcom on a run-of-the-mill options backdating scandal, the Feds learned something interesting about how Henry T. Nicholas III would close a deal with a cable box manufacturer or a modem maker or whatever: he'd slip drugs into their drinks. Generally Ecstasy. Sometimes meth or coke. No seriously. The indictment is here. He'd do this, among other places, at concerts, the Super Bowl, Rome, and in an underground room and tunnel he'd built under his Rodeo Drive apartment. Seriously, check it out. And now, thoughts. More »
jezenomics
Attention, Hot Fashion Industry Chicks! Hedge Fund Managers Are Desperate Enough To Bone You Now
Great news, gender! The recession is upon us, and investment bankers are being forced to lower their standards! Admission into the ranks of women they will fuck is no longer being exclusively limited to models! For a limited time only, any women in the fashion industry can be screened for (heh) interest. This momentous expansion of the pussy supply is being launched by an outfit called PocketChange NYC, whose charming slogan you will find after the jump, and it kicks off tonight at a bar called Taj. Apply now, because the guest list is already buzzing with potential M&A activity. Will Goldman buy Marc Jacobs? Can Versace find synergy with Credit Suisse? Can Tracie and I pull a Jerome Kerviel and get in on the action undetected? I'm still waiting to hear if I make the cut. (If I puke now, my gag reflexes will be perfectly primed!) (And to think I was just bemoaning the dearth of eligible men in this town!) More »
new terms
Staledating: Or, How Dating Can Be Almost As Fun As Getting Waterboarded!
Staledating. This is what happens when the entire non-courtship feels like amicable divorce. Or, let's get serious, Guantanamo. He is the interrogator and you are Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and society has implicated you in the hijacking death of its high school girlfriend and his high school girlfriend was hijacked by some douchebag band dude once, and you will gladly assume credit for that and her death if it makes your interactions more amusing, since that is all you have; this is the fate you chose when you moved here. "Come on," he tells you, every time you meet. "You want a boyfriend. Everyone does. It is human nature. Look at you, you look so haggard. You want to stop this. I could stop this. Any time, just admit to me that that you desire a house and a lawn and a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes just like everyone else in the world, admit to me that the ideology of the hegemony is superior or it would not have claimed hegemony to begin with, and that history should have ended already, and I will hand you the keys to your freedom." Ah, freedom. More »
No Bones About It
Scientists have begun separating neolithic skeletons found in a mass grave in Talheim, Germany in the 1980s by their geographic origin and have found that there are no "local" adult female skeletons in the group. This has led them to believe that the "local" women were seen as special to the attacking/non-local group and were probably captured and taken back to the attacking group's land. Of course, a quick read ofThe Iliad will confirm that women were used as spoils of war, but the curious thing about this mass grave is that there were non-local adult females in the mass grave. [Telegraph]
Can Reggie Love Hold His Roofies?
Yesterday in Crappy Hour we totally labored over an epic piece on shifting philosophies inside the jihadist movement, but all the regular readers wanted to do was objectify the opposite sex, so in case you missed it, here's a link again to that 9-page photo album of Barack Obama's somewhat handsome aide Reggie Love. Well, yesterday a reader sent us a tenth picture that really completes the whole album. (Click the pic!) We looked at it, immediately thought of making some DrunkenStepfather type joke in the interest of upholding Title IX, then decided to…take another stroll through the photo album. Dude. That's what I'm talking about. [Truth About Duke]
massive multiplayers
Being A Loser In High School: Why Does It Seem To Damage Dudes So Much Worse Than Girls?
I've decided I like it better when college students write the weekly "Modern Love" columns in the NY Times because college is when you still remember high school, which is when everyone got so goddamned warped re: fucking. (Bonus: they're not about loveless marriages, about which Tolstoy was maybe full of shit.) Anyway, Sunday's installment was by one of those videogame nerds who thought he was undoable until he learned to apply his videogame nerddom to getting girls, at which point he used the power of charming IMs, emails and elaborately orchestrated dates to garner nineteen separate girlfriends until the words "I love you" appeared on his cell phone and somehow impressed upon him that he wasn't playing a videogame anymore! Okay, so: I am actually still meeting dudes like this. Dudes whose spate of adolescent girl rejections are never far from their immediate self-justification mechanism. Dudes who were dorks. Invariably portrayed as endearingly clueless in movies, these dudes in real life, are some of the most self-involved and misanthropic and dangerous (or simply insufferable) to date. More »
what i've learned
Why Chivalry Is Actually Clinging Stubbornly To Life
Dear Alana Germany, today you delivered an essay on the NPR show Day To Day about the death of chivalry in your 21-year-old peer group, and babe, lemme tell you, I'm not generally your oracle if you're looking for a rosy view of the future of kids today, but this is one thing that will get better. I, too, was raised by a dad who sent my mom flowers at work every week and addressed her with pet names like "E.J." — stands for "Earthy Joys," natch — only to spend my first five years of dating dudes who learned their manners from West Coast hip-hop lyrics. But chivalry survived Dre, and it will outlive Joe Francis also. School is just one of those hostile environments that never gives it a chance to grow. And then you leave. And the thing about the stubborn persistence of traditional gender roles is: you are wayyy more likely to date a dude who's significantly older than you than those boys calling you "Mami" on the street are to land a "cougar." Eventually they look around and realize all the girls they fucked in college are dating thirtysomethings, and for awhile they'll just be sullen and pissed off about that, attributing it to thirtysomething dudes' superior dining choices and real estate and other synonyms for "money." And then. More »
leftovers
