Chill, America: Donald Trump Is Not Going to Win

Do any of you sometimes suddenly remember that you’re going to die? And you have to talk yourself out of panic by reminding yourself that it’s not going to be for a long, long time, and when it finally happens it probably won’t be as bad as you fear? The same thing happens when I remember that there is a chance that… »Tuesday 9:00am11/24/15 9:00am

Even Breitbart Says Trump Is 'Confused' About Cheering New Jersey Muslims He Claims to Have Seen On 9/11 

Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses Donald Trump managed to involve himself in yet another controversy this weekend, when he claimed to have seen footage of huge crowds of New Jersey Muslims cheering wildly on September 11, 2001. Those Muslims were imaginary. Even the most conservative news outlets can’t… »Monday 10:03am11/23/15 10:03am

Donald Trump Won't Rule Out an Independent Campaign, Even After Pledging Not To Run

Donald Trump’s waterfall of regurgitated chatter continued on Sunday, with quips about Muslim databases, 9/11, and bringing back water-boarding. And over all of it, he also suggested that he would run for president as independent if he doesn’t get the Republican nod. »Sunday 12:05pm11/22/15 12:05pm

Donald Trump on How His Fascist Plan to Track Muslims Is Different Than Nazis: 'You Tell Me'

On November 17, lead paint factory explosion Donald Trump was “open to” the idea of forcing all Muslims in the United States to belong to a database system tracking their movements, he told Yahoo. By Thursday, he was saying he would “absolutely” implement that plan, stonily responding “You tell me” to an NBC reporter… »11/20/15 8:37am11/20/15 8:37am

Donald Trump Would Support Registry for Muslim-Americans; A Literal Fascist Now Leading GOP Polls

In the summer of 1938, the Hitler regime began requiring Jews to carry identification cards identifying their religion, and carry passports stamped with the letter J. In 2015, Donald Trump, a dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots, told Yahoo that he would be looking “very, very carefully” at mosques… »11/19/15 1:00pm11/19/15 1:00pm

Adele Superfan Donald Trump Cut the Line at Her Concert Last Night 

Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world Donald Trump is apparently, like us all, a fan of Adele. He expressed that fandom in an on-brand fashion Tuesday night, by cutting in front of hundreds of people to get into her show at Radio City Music Hall last night, then… »11/18/15 8:42am11/18/15 8:42am

Trump on Paris Attacks: If 25 People Had Guns, 'It Would've Been a Totally Different Story'

Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies Donald Trump has become more and more enthusiastic about guns. That enthusiasm coincides with him trying to become president, and it’s unchecked by minor considerations like good taste. Trump declared Monday that if 25 people killed… »11/17/15 8:57am11/17/15 8:57am

Trump Loses His Shit So Dramatically His Fans Don't Believe It Really Happened

Thursday night in Iowa, usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps and presidential candidate Donald Trump went off the rails. He arrived 40 minutes late and proceeded to give a speech so bizarre and inflammatory that Trump fans on Twitter accused reporters of making it up. »11/13/15 9:59am11/13/15 9:59am

Ben Carson Beats Donald Trump in Race to Top of New York Times Bestseller List

Presidential candidate and dusty barrel of fermented peepee Donald Trump is exclusively a Power Top in all aspects of life, which is why I’m sure he is devastated to learn that his prop book will debut below his opponent Ben Carson’s prop book on the New York Times bestseller list. »11/12/15 5:30pm11/12/15 5:30pm

A Conversation With Johari Osayi Idusuyi, the Hero Who Read Through a Trump Rally

The identity of the woman who perfectly expressed a sane person’s reaction to being at a Donald Trump rally by whipping out a book and refusing to put it down has been revealed. Twenty-three year-old Johari Osayi Idusuyi is the woman behind the head flip heard ‘round the nation. »11/12/15 11:10am11/12/15 11:10am

Projecting Mightily, Trump Suggests Hillary Clinton Is Wearing a Wig 

It can be hard, at this point, to keep track of the mighty rivers of diarrhea streaming from the mouth of presidential candidate and hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites Donald Trump. This one is notable, though, demonstrating as it does the classic Freudian concept of projection in defense of the ego. He thinks… »11/12/15 10:45am11/12/15 10:45am