In today's edition of Tweet Beat, tries to wrap his toupée-topped head around the enigma of Lil Jon (probably for money), Anthony Bourdain reflects on his Boy Scouts experience, and Flea may or may not have cried into his cereal this morning.

Okay...so...Lindsay Lohan is definitely officially in rehab now, right? Inside of the rehab building, doing the rehabbing as we speak? Has our long national daymare finally come to an end? (Spoiler: lol, no.) Based on a quick glance at my What Lindsay Lohan Is Doing Right Now Reliability Matrix, there is a 67% chance…

Once upon a time, some idiot dog ate a whole tub of orange frosting and shat out the oiliest, hottest, most vile and rank semi-firm orange turd the world had ever seen. The turd fell into a pile of pubes recently shaved off the ballsack of a racist necromancer, and their lingering scrotal enchantments brought the turd…

When I clicked on this link, I didn't expect to fall in love. Oh, okay, another disposable Tumblr parody—this one is Conan O'Brien's "Reasons My Talk Show Host Is Crying," a riff on America's current sweetheart "Reasons My Son Is Crying"—do I really need that? I will not be manipulated by your cynical corporate riffing,…

Donald Trump's Miss Universe Organization, which operates the Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageants, draws viewers with sexy beauty queens in teeny bikinis. But titleholders are publicly chastised by Trump himself and sometimes lose their crowns altogether if they fail to reach "the highest ethical and moral standards"…

Although Kate Middleton and Prince William have only told their parents the sex of their baby, a slip of the tongue made it clear that Kate might be playing uteran hostess—I picture it as an upscale B&B, complete with L'Occitane bath products and tiny decorative soaps and a Jonathan Adler guestbook—to a tiny future…

In today's Tweet Beat, Donald "Musty Ass" Trump does not appreciate his run-in with Odd Future, Jeremy Sisto has beef with the Biebs, Mindy Kaling enters McCarthy territory and Stephen Colbert celebrates Cinco de Mayo.

Superfoxes Josh Brolin and Diane Lane are divorcing after eight years of marriage, according to their reps: "It was a mutual decision. It was amicable. It's not ugly, it's just over." (Guh.) It's the second marriage for both of them. Although this means our fantasy of James Brolin, Barbra Streisand, Josh and Diane…

Girls's Zosia Mamet is currently starring in an off-Broadway play about a "murky rape accusation," and behind the scenes she has been dubbed the "keeper of the rape jokes." Because, of course, you always need rape jokes to "let off some steam," and you always need a lady around to tell everyone else whether or not they…

IMHO, Naomi Watts has always been the more endearing half of the blonde, icy "Aussie Posse" best-friend duo that includes herself and Nicole Kidman. Watts, who got a Lead Actress Academy Award nod for her role in The Impossible, is filming a 60 Minutes CBS segment as part of their pre-Oscars nominee special. But when…