Dita Von Teese is a gorgeous, well-considered, meticulously put together image of frilly, no-muss retro femininity. In spite of this, she has launched a maternity lingerie line as gorgeous and delicate as she is, and it will be perfect for all your hottest new mom farts.

Welcome back to America's favorite Vanity Smurf K-hole. This week, Ian Smolderhotter is snuggling with animals, Lindsay Lohan is covered in blood and Nicki Minaj has some weird ideas about what cop uniforms look like. Celebrity Instagrams (and maybe a Vine or two), presented without comment. Enjoy.

Rihanna "Sex Plane" Lastname says that, despite her hard-partying image, she's recently become a "square" who spends most of her time folding her hankies and playing clothes-on cribbage.

In today's Tweet Beat, Dita Von Teese, too, cannot stand that horrible amelodic Target ad that always comes on when one is innocently trying to watch The Bachelorette, Chris O'Dowd is turning into his dad, and Ryan Seacrest has yet another important question for the world.

Double stick tape, it's up to you now!

We're used to seeing Dita Von Teese as a raven-haired siren, so these pictures of her from her freshman and sophomore years at high school — when she was still named Heather Sweet — are slightly jarring. She was beautiful, of course, but now she's obviously found a look that really works for her.

It seems like everyone who binged on Arrested Development's Season 4 the moment it hit Netflix (i.e. the entire Internet) has been sipping on some hot ham water and talking about how different Portia De Rossi's face looks on the show. As is often the case in these situations, plastic surgeons were called upon to…

Flawless.

Well, hello, fabulous Dita Von Teese and Dita Von Teese's fabulous French-Blue 1939 Packard.

First, it brought us the 3-Dildo. Now, the 3-D printer is delivering a crazy, sexy, cool gown from the future — and it is dope!

Professional semi-endearing obnoxious person Howard Stern has backtracked (not apologized, he clarifies) from ragging on professional semi-endearing obnoxious person Lena Dunham. After Girls co-star Jemima Kirke tipped Dunham off that Stern had called her "a little fat chick who sort of looks like Jonah Hill and keeps…

More London Fashion week! Today the Burberry show was a quiet riot of luxe jewel tones, shiny, body-hugging frocks and trenches, as well as dresses in not-so-innocent lace. Even though there were vivid beetle shell hues and candy wrapper foil shirts, everything seemed really elegant and refined. But: There were some…

After being rushed to the hospital Tuesday, and then again last night, über-enceinte Reese Witherspoon is still pregnant, but totally fine. However, Tuesday's visit involved "complications" with the pregnancy, according to the source, making Witherspoon and husband Jim Toth very nervous. The baby is due in September,…

From a profile on Jet Set Pets, "the luxury travel source for pampered pets on the go":

EGHAM, UNITED KINGDOM - JUNE 17: Dita Von Teese attends The Cartier Queen's Cup Final at Guards Polo Club on June 17, 2012 in Egham, England. (Photo by Stuart Wilson/Getty Images)

In today's Tweet Beat, Dita Von Teese's shit list gets an update, Cher loves Chad Michaels, Larry King is still figuring it all out and Chuck D reminds us that he, too, once rocked the clock.

In an interview with The Rumpus yesterday, Dita Von Teese, arguably the most successful neo-burlesque performer in the world, was asked whether there were any forms of erotic performance that she considered degrading. Here's what she had to say:

In today's Tweet Beat, don't expect Dita Von Teese to dress down for air travel, Boy George is learning how to love, people are very rude to Nathan Fillion and Joan Rivers advertises a slice for a slice.

Today in Tweet Beat, George Michael and other British celebs are delighted over the closing of Rupert Murdoch's tabloid. Plus, it's Thong Thursday.