The Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer Is Here in All Its BDSM-Lite Glory

What a beautiful time to be alive: the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer has premiered on the Today show, and it appears this film will be documenting the emotional journey of a woman with a low ponytail and an ill-fitting cardigan (VISUAL REPRESENTATIONS OF SELF-DOUBT) who finds herself charmed by an unblinking… » 7/24/14 9:15am Today 9:15am

Jason Biggs on MH17 Tweet: 'Moving Forward, I Need to Not Be Stupid'

As you might remember, on the day the news broke about Malaysian Airlines Flight 17, the ever-sensitive Jason Biggs tweeted this timely and hilarious "joke": "Anyone wanna buy my Malaysian Airlines frequent flier miles?" To which the world responded: "AAASHFAHSKDJFHSALKDJRHWUIOGIUWPHKJNKJSHFKSJDFHLSK." In an interview… » 7/21/14 8:00pm Monday 8:00pm

Kanye West: 'In Order to Win at Life, You Need Some Kim K Skills'

Kanye West is on the cover of the August issue of GQ. In the accompanying interview, he says a lot of Kanye-stuff, covering such topics as the forty-five minute toast he reportedly gave at his wedding, his love for Kim Kardashian, why being a dad is cool and which rap is the best rap of all time (hint: his rap). » 7/21/14 9:14am Monday 9:14am

Liv Tyler Is Distracted by Justin Theroux's Penis Bulge

Liv Tyler went on Watch What Happens Live to talk about stuff; because The Leftovers is an extremely boring television show that's mostly about people glowering at each other and tensely burying stuff, she ended up discussing Justin Theroux's penis. (Justin Theroux's penis is famous on the Internet from one time when… » 7/18/14 9:20am 7/18/14 9:20am

Paris Hilton Lovingly Strokes a Unicorn Under a Rainbow in New Video

Paris Hilton's singing career is still around. You may recall that it had slithered out of the ether last year, when she and Lil Wayne released a song about intoxication and butts. Now it has yielded a song about love and maybe orgasms, titled "Come Alive," with an accompanying video that is presumably set in Paris… » 7/16/14 9:16am 7/16/14 9:16am

Drake's Penis Is 'Weird, Thin, and Pointy,' Says Future Shakespeare

Today is the day that I read several conflicting accounts about the shape of Drake's celebrity penis and what he likes people to do or not do with his butthole while he touches said controversially shaped penis. Today is also the day that I realized that every other non-today day of my life has been wasted. » 7/14/14 8:00pm 7/14/14 8:00pm