Remember when things were fun? I sort of can if I push all my anxieties way down and try to pretend like reality is a dream. So let’s do that now. Because as of yesterday, it has officially been one year since the single greatest two minutes of the entire election: Ben Carson’s big walkout disaster.
Senators Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz, two people the country wanted as their president even less than the two options we ended up with, will waste everyone’s time and whittle away at the precious supply of sanity we have left with a televised debated about the future of Obamacare.
Can it be? Is the presidential election going to be swayed by October’s most disgusting recipe, Pussy Surprise? Is our cuntry—I’m sorry, country —and the Grand Old Pussy — I’m sorry, Grand Old Party— going to be able to save itself? Are there really still any undecided voters out there, and, if so, what the fuck could…
All of us are still recovering, emotionally and spiritually, from that one time Sarah Palin was very nearly the vice president of the United States. But you know what? She’s not always wrong!
The nation is divided. Which Dad should we elect to govern us if the president dies? The hot one? Maybe!
During Monday evening’s 90 minute long exercise in super-human patience—I would trust every one of us on a mission to a galaxy hundreds of millions of lightyears away—we witnessed personified melanoma Donald Trump spew a number of lies, many of which went uninterrupted by moderator Lester Holt.
Tonight, in an arena at Long Island’s adequate Hofstra University, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will be evaluated on a number of factors that have virtually nothing to do with each candidate’s ability to serve competently as president.
Donald Trump, a yellowing mop dripping with an unidentifiable, viscous fluid, is very concerned about fairness. As such, he’s worried about his upcoming debates against Hillary Clinton, and is suggesting maybe they could just sit on a stage and shout at each other instead.
Hillary Clinton is gearing up for debates this fall against Donald Trump, a hexed tub of Velveeta that’s been brought to life and won’t stop screaming racist insults from inside your kitchen cabinet. The Clinton campaign says they need to find someone who’ll play Trump during debate preparations, but haven’t been able…
Donald Trump and Roger Ailes, two sunbaked toads you’re puzzled to find wetly defecating in your bathtub, are maybe working together. The New York Times reports that Ailes, having golden-parachuted out of Fox News following a round of sexual harassment allegations, is now“advising” the Trump campaign. The Trump…
Once upon a time, many hours ago, two beleaguered Gawker Media reporters arrived at the Brooklyn Navy Yard, plodded through a security line, and were deposited in a warehouse of some kind with a bunch of TV reporters in suits.
Were you looking forward to the March 21 Fox News Channel GOP debate to be held in Salt Lake City? Of course you were; we all were. But you might as well throw out all those beans you bought in preparation for your bean dip because it’s canceled. Well, fuck.
Sometimes you say to yourself, “Didn’t we just have a goddamned debate?” and you’re wrong. It can just feel that way, because our days are swift and fleeting, like the leaves on a fast-dying tree. But sometimes you’re right, because literally, the last Democratic debate was three damn days ago.
The Never-ending Story a.k.a. the 2016 Presidential Campaign continues apace with tonight’s Democratic debate between candidates Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Hosted by CNN, Sanders and Clinton will face off in Flint, Michigan at the University of Michigan’s Flint campus.
The winner of tonight’s GOP debate is Hillary Clinton.
Lamprey eel spray-painted gold Donald Trump had a decent debate Thursday night, in that he continued to offer “scant details on policy” as the New York Times put it, but lobbed a lot of insults, two things GOP voters apparently love. This morning, he celebrated.
The Republican debates have never been fun—not even a little bit, not for a moment. But, for me at least, they were comforting, like watching all your terrible uncles get drunk in your basement and see who could eat a sandwich in the fewest number of bites.
It seemed odd to a lot of people that the Democratic candidates debated each other on five separate occasions without being asked about abortion. The situation became much more curious last night, when Bernie Sanders finally raised the issue — but without using the word “abortion.” Clinton, too, never used the actual…
We’ve gone from having not that many Democratic debates, and all at inopportune times, to suddenly having an unholy number of debates, devouring your TV schedule, invading your dreams, and dampening your sex life because, honestly, who could after all that? Tonight: another one of those debates.
After Tuesday night in New Hampshire, neither Carly Fiorina nor Ben Carson should be running for president anymore. Yet both of them still are, for some reason, and Fiorina is emphasizing how supremely pissed she’ll be if she’s not part of the next GOP debate. Let’s all sit back and wait for Carly to get supremely…
