cover lies - Jezebel

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December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
Cosmo: Men Want Virgins & Whores, No Fatties
Elle: Covering Hollywood, Missing Cover Lines
Vogue: It Is Easy Being Green... If You Live In The Chelsea Hotel
Glamour's "Big" Issue: Plus-Size Models, Plus-Size Problems
Allure: This November, Try A Diet Of Vinegar And Air
Marie Claire: Bling On Your Pants, Swank In A Lake
November Cosmo: "Bad Girls" Always Bend To Their Boyfriends' Whims
Cosmo: Powerful Women Use Their Vaginas, Not Their Voices

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Ulookinatmyjunk, JOC
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
Serena's pic looks sorta dumb. Whimsical staring into the distance? I mean, was there no other pose they could have had her do? #glamourdecember2009cover
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
It's a trick.

If we're not of the demo to feel sufficiently "aspirationalized" by a standard and previously-repeatedly-seen blond/bland, they think we'll run out and buy them all to collect the set because we might never see it again. #glamourdecember2009cover
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ was starred

sequined
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
I'm unreasonably annoyed that all these women are sharing this month's cover. Like it's news to me that the women's magazine industry is obnoxious.

Why can't each of these women have a month all by herself? WHY? #glamourdecember2009cover
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jemandtheholograms
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
What is Jessica Simpson constantly promoting to warrant all that cover time? #glamourdecember2009cover
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futuremouse
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
Oh Glamour. Putting pep in your step is a colloquialism, not a literal prescription. How very Amelia Bedelia of you. Next month I expect advice on putting garbage in your drawers to achieve the desired 'junk in the trunk' look. #glamourdecember2009cover
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frugal
11/17/09

@futuremouse: I've got my sketch pad, I'm off to draw the drapes. #glamourdecember2009cover
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cate3710
11/17/09

@frugal: Would you mind drawing a hot bath as well? Thanks. #glamourdecember2009cover
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KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
I would much rather read a magazine with Amy Poehler on the cover. What can Jessica Simpson say that hasn't been said already? I know Jessica sells magazines, but honestly? I skipped her article when I received the mag in the mail a few months ago.

I'm sure we could come up a list of potential cover models that is much better and more interesting than having the same handful of girls pose over and over again. #glamourdecember2009cover
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Zombie Ms. Skittles
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
Well, you guys, the only two of those women who are under 30 are black and the only blonde woman is like, old enough to have kids! You can't expect them to put people like that on the cover every month! People only want to see skinny blonde 20-somethings.

You know, this comment started out as an over the top joke, but I suddenly realized everything (except maybe that last sentence) is totally true for Glamour. I feel icky.
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Edited by Zombie Ms. Skittles at 11/17/09 1:29 PM

emfish55
11/17/09

@Zombie Ms. Skittles: My first reaction to seeing all the covers lined up was that it was some kind of readership balkinization. Like they looked at their women of the year ladies, and were like, "Well, sure, sporty women like Serena, and white urban women like Pohler, and young black women relate to Rhianna.... but none of these women has universal appeal. You know, like Sienna Miller. Everyone LOVES Sienna Miller because she's a completely blank slate!" And so they did a bunch of different covers to hedge their bets, because they just can't imagine that any one of them could be liked and admired by a diverse readership. Because they think their readership is stupid. Otherwise, explain "Easy Beauty Tricks! 3-minute Miracles Inside" #glamourdecember2009cover
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Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny.
11/17/09

In reply to December Glamour: Change We Can't Believe In
Honestly, who in the fuck puts pepper in their shoes to warm up their feet? That is some crazy weird farmers almanac shit. #glamourdecember2009cover
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KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins
11/17/09

@Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny.: Act like an uncomfortable asshole with itchy, hot feet!! Make the party hot hot hot!

Somehow I can see that idea backfiring... #glamourdecember2009cover
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/17/09

@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: I can see Buster Poindexter tripping over those lyrics, too. #glamourdecember2009cover
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funnyface
11/12/09

In reply to Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
Definition of a first world problem: wah wah wah four month honeymoon.

That said, the only thing I wanted on my honeymoon was someplace pretty, not too scheduled, and lots of sexin'. #marieclarie
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KikiCanuck
11/12/09

@funnyface: Seconded. Backpacking? For real? Honeymoon hostel stays? That's a dealbreaker, ladies. Because of the sexing. It's just weird! #marieclarie
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MsFeasance
11/12/09

@funnyface: That was my thought--four months away from my job? Sign me UP. #marieclarie
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rd2uk
11/12/09

In reply to Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
Sorry, I'm not tall or skinny enough to settle for a lesser man. #marieclarie
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Nic Fit
11/12/09

In reply to Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
Wow, so the prerequisite for becoming an adult is wanting to have kids? Do you also have to want to move to Park Slope? #marieclarie
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redqueenmeg
11/12/09

In reply to Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
Well ya know, if I waited around for a guy who had a job and actually felt like settling down I would never have gotten married--not a bad thing in and of itself but I happened to like this guy.

Employed people are not attracted to me. #marieclarie
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LaurelMagumbalee
11/12/09

@redqueenmeg: I feel like this sums up so many Jez readers' responses...it accidentally says what is the saddest part of this article-- that getting married to someone is a priority above being in a functional, mutual, equal relationship between two people who have accepted the basic operations of our world (job=money=something to eat/somewhere to live). How can we defend men/our partners for 'choosing' to not have a job and play x-box?? As if that is acceptable for either sex. Shouldn't we all be encouraging people we love to be contributors to society and not excusing them for their "kidult" choices??? Whether or not it means we end up without these people are partners, why are women willing to settle for men who behave like they are still nursing off their mother's breastmilk, in exchange for being 'loved'-- by toddlers?? This is why men continue to underachieve in modern culture-- because women excuse them, in exchange for the feeling of being part of a companionship which is little more than parenting with the benefit of having sex with your 'kidult'.
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redqueenmeg
11/13/09

@LaurelMagumbalee: Well, I feel particularly insulted by *your* response.

The guy in question was 19 and a college freshman, full-time, and so no, I didn't necessarily expect him to be a freaking breadwinner yet. I saw his potential and I knew my own.

I haven't excused a damn thing, TYVM. All I've faced is prejudice (only from women I might add) about dating someone younger than me, dating someone who didn't have a job, dating someone who "couldn't provide for me".

Getting married was NOT a priority but thanks for sticking that in there. It just happened. And he asked, because I got pregnant. I told him we didn't have to.

Shouldn't we all be encouraging people to see each other's potential and help each other to be the best we can rather than snarking about guys who can't necessarily support families in their late teens/early twenties?

Oh freaking well. I guess I should just claim solidarity and never have dated anyone at all since people with jobs don't ask me out. Whatever. I choose to decide whether I'm going to date someone based on the whole package, not their wallet. #marieclarie
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Snowbunny
11/12/09

In reply to Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
Isn't it travel manifesto that you absolutely despise the person you backpack abroad with by the end of the experience? You go with your best friend, then after three months you want to KILL them, then you come home, don't talk for a month, then you're best friends again. Why would anybody want that in a marriage?

Besides, you don't want to sleep in hostels on your honeymoon, you want to sleep somewhere where you can have lots of sex. #marieclarie
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Ultraprison!
11/12/09

@Snowbunny: When my best friend and I got back from our study-abroad trip, we both quietly admitted we had prettymuch wanted to kill each other at one point or another. Still best friends now! #marieclarie
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JayBird
11/12/09

@Snowbunny: It's true!

Went on a backpacking/overnight type deal once with the xhub; was cold, rainy, and he didn't listen to the group directions, didn't bring food, forgot his sleeping mat.

When we were RUNNING down the 5 mile trail so we could buy our dinner at WALMART in 33 degree weather and sleet, I seriously thought about shoving his dumb ass of the mountain. #marieclarie
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morninggloria
11/12/09

In reply to Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
I always buy my gifts based on silly stereotypes. They're usually the wrong stereotypes, though, which is why everyone was so confused that year I bought my grandma a novelty sombrero, some top shelf tequila, and a sarape and my grandpa a collection of multicolored body glitters, a CD containing dance remixes of Cher's greatest hits, and a subscription to Honcho. #marieclarie
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Lymed
11/12/09

@morninggloria: But I bet grandma and grandpa had fun with that body glitter after they shot some tequila and put Cher on the CD player in the bedroom... #marieclarie
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bluetrain84
11/12/09

In reply to Marie Claire: This Month, Try Settling For A Lesser Man
You know, once upon a time I liked Marie Claire. I even subscribed, because they had a few interesting articles about women's issues internationally, some fun fashion bits, a little celeb gossip--overall, a decent read at the nail or hair salon. Now? Boringboringboringboring. I should donate the remainder of my subscription to a doctor's office, because every new issue that arrives goes unread for at least a week. #marieclarie
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