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cover lies
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cover lies
cover lies
May Vogue Visits The Future And The Future Is Missing A Clavicle
You just CAN'T LOOK AWAY, can you folks? The May Vogue is ...just...that...breathtaking. A staggering work of backbreaking Photoshop! Featuring none other than Jezebel's sweetheart Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh Gwyneth! Never have you so resembled a Bratz doll on barbiturates! And how sweet that you take such pains in the text to make yourself out to be so very very down-to-earth. You've gone entire days without a nanny! You own an article of clothing from the Gap! Such a simple, simple life you lead! Well anyway, Plum Sykes seems to approve. And you, Plum! How distinctly we remember someone in Bergdorf Blondes musing that she couldn't get a DVD player because people who have DVD players have no place to go. Quaint, right? (Like you could visit Middle Earth or the future without a DVD player, Plum.) Anyway, we rewrite the most nerd convention-friendly Vogue ever printed after the jump. More »
cover lies
Marie Claire Tina Fey Cover, Or Marie Claire Tina Fey Cadaver?
Oh, Tina Fey, what have you done to yourself? I've seen you on 30 Rock, I know you have all your teeth and a scar on your cheek. I know you don't look cross-eyed into the camera with the expression of one of those infants you know is not going to grow up to be very bright. I know you'd never wear that flasher trench coat or that weird spiky cuff and I know your cheekbones look like real cheekbones and not contours painted on by PhotoShop to hide your abusive use of Botox. Why is this photo so ugly, Tina Fey? Oh sure, I know you don't care, you're a confident woman and all that, but do you know how hard it is to write a proper Cover Lie to illustrate a picture like this? When all you can think is "DO. NOT. WANT", but "Do Not Want" was yesterday's meme? Because really, we never wanted to see a picture of you and have the thought, "More like Tina FUG!" We never wanted to rack our brain for a Cover Lie that sounded like an underminey thing straight out of Mean Girls. But we did, and that and more of our revised Cover Lies appear as usual, after the jump. More »
cover lies
How Does Fergie Stay So Regular? Only Glamour Knows For Sure!
Fergie! Why hello dear, you've been on an awful lot of our magazine covers lately! Is it because, being a former meth-addicted derelict, you make for such a candid, forthcoming interview? No! You're keeping "private life private" as they say, and good for you, by which I mean fuck you...well wait, perhaps I'm being unfair: there was the admission that you take shots of vinegar to aid digestion. Dropping them regularity bombs there, Fergieferg! ANYWAY, so this month's Glamour was about as good as a canister of Metamucil. My personal favorite part was the "How To Be Confident" package, which included a list of "things you would say to a baby that you should say to yourself." (Sample: "oooh what a cute squishy butt!") (Yes I wish I were kidding.) After the jump we go through all the lines to make them more "accurate." But mostly to amuse ourselves. More »
cover lies
Well Isn't The Cosmo"Sexy Issue" Just A Sexy Breath Of Fresh Sexual Sexy Sex Air!
Oh goody it's the Cosmo "Sexy Issue"! We've been waiting all year for Cosmo to finally address the underexplored topic of s-e-x. They address "sex" with classic Cosmo understatement, of course: "sex" appears in only six places on the cover, meaning the word "sex" itself represents a relatively restrained 7.5% of words on the cover, in much the way that you will really find the word "fuck" in no more than 10% of the words you read on the average Jezebel post. Anyway! The Sexy Issue is really a goldmine, starting with what may be the magazine's most ingenious yet use of food in a sex act — click to find out what it is! — and an engaging interview with actress Kristen Bell, who, like most other Cosmo cover subjects, stars in the television show Heroes. Click to see the May Cosmo as interpreted by "Cover Lies," in which we rewrite the mag covers to more accurately reflect the sexy content within. More »
After writing cover lines that boasted "sexy sex" and "erotic sex", perhaps Cosmo realized it needed a little help in the header department and so asked its readers to mock up Cosmo covers of their own. And...wow. Just, wow. Cover line highlights include: "real life heroin: women who have been to hell and back," "Your va-jay-jay" and "The new look involving hats." [Cosmopolitan]
Glamour editrix Cindi Leive was speaking at the Magazine Publishers of America's 2008 Retail Conference earlier this week, and she attributed some of the success of her magazine to its "upbeat" and "positive" message. "[Our] headlines don't talk down or blame or accuse women," she said. "Most are complimentary and positive messages." Right after Bill Mickey from Folio magazine reported these comments, he snarked, "Despite the positive cover lines, Glamour's single copy sales (747,014) dropped 13.2 in the second half of 2007 compared to second half 2006, according to ABC Fas-Fax numbers." Ooooh BURN. [Folio]
cover lies
ELLE's "Intelligent Women" Issue Is Kinda, Well, Dumb
It's time for ELLE's annual "intelligent women" issue! Thing is, the only examples of "intelligence" the magazine offers are Natalie "I went to Harvard" Portman, a horribly-timed interview with Michelle Williams, and something called "The Beauty Genius Awards." So, basically, instead of featuring stories about intelligent women who actually deserve accolades, ELLE gives us celebrities, hairdressers, and make-up artists... all shilling products from ELLE advertisers! (Speaking of intelligence, who chose that horrid cover image of Ms. Portman?) After the jump, Intern Cheryl and I "deconstruct" the complicated cover lies of the April 2008 issue of ELLE. More »
cover lies
Marie Claire Feels The Same Way You Do About Kate Bosworth
So many glossy new April magazines! Don't you wish you knew which ones to buy? Well, none of them! Because we read em all, and that's why it's time again for "Cover Lies," in which Cheryl and Maria rewrite the covers of major magazines to better reflect exactly why it is you don't need to look inside.
Oh, look, if it isn't Kate Bosworth. And if Kate Bosworth isn't the most fascinating cover subject since...um, the Kate Bosworth Vogue...well...yeah. Jesus Christ, isn't there one celebrity out there you actually wouldn't mind reading about? Portia De Rossi maybe, Julie Delpy, P.J. Harvey...they're thin too! But whatever, Marie Claire. The "smart" women's magazine that is not as big and heavy as Elle just hired a new features editor from the financial magazine Forbes. But they're already giving you ways to pump that April stimulus check back into the economy! Sunscreen, lip gloss, shoes...it's all there! Marie Claire has some good stuff in it: a "Culture Pyramid" advises you read a book about socialism and capitalism in China and "partake sparingly" in such guilty pleasures as Craig David and, one assumes, Kate Bosworth. They didn't even bother having anyone write a story about her, they just told it in little bite-sized factoids. No formal training! Likes sports! Next! More »
cover lies
Cosmo Reminds You To Bring The Bucket Of Ice Next Time You Have Sex
It's time again for Cover Lies, wherein Cheryl and Maria rewrite the cover lines of major mass-market women's magazines to better reflect the content within. Not that you were considering actually buying "Cosmo"!
Back in high school, when our sexual experience was (um) limited, Cosmo was about the naughtiest thing one could read. It was a portal to urbane twenty-something maturity: sexual positions that no one understood, shots of men sans T-shirts, and secrets that "Guys Really Want You To Know!" Now, when we read Cosmo, it reminds us more of awkward teenage girls with hysterically low self-esteem. Guess the college education wasn't a total waste! Anyway, it's a good thing we weren't ever "fearless" or "fun" enough to actually try anything Cosmo recommends, because what they recommend this month is: running your tongue along the roof of your boyfriend's mouth while kissing! Bringing a "bucket of ice" out during sex! (And also: dry shampoo.) There's also a stab at humor with the "If Men Edited Cosmo" section. It reads surprisingly similar to what happens when women edit Cosmo! Have fearless fun, ladies! More »
cover lies
The Purpose Of The Bra, Revealed At Last In Glamour
Welcome back to Cover Lies, where we rewrite the covers of major women's magazines to more accurately reflect what's inside, so you can spend your time in the convenience store line reading about Eliot Spitzer!
THE EXACT BEST BRA FOR YOUR BODY is not the largest line on Glamour's April cover, nor is it the most deceptive. (In what century, seriously, did the existence of sunscreen constitute a " Beauty Miracle"??) But the EXACT BEST BRA FOR YOUR BODY may be the exact worstest thing about reading these fucking magazines every month. It's not so much the pages and pages spent elevating everyday, utterly meaningless tasks to the realm of Huge Personal Challenges...that, after all, is what gave us What Not To Wear. But how, exactly, is a magazine supposed to help you try on clothes? If the women of America were actually deriving any benefit from those "Perfect Jeans For Your Body" stories, wouldn't we all have Perfect Jeans For Our Bodies already, and be on to the next Urgent Problem? Oh wait! Maybe that's why we're trying on bras now. Did you know that if you've lost/gained weight, it may be time to invest in a new one? That and other shocking conclusions Maria and I made after probing deep into the fine print of Glamour after the jump. More »
cover lies
ELLE: Not For Women Who Are Intimidated By Math!
NUMBERSSSS! Why all the GIGANTIC MEANINGLESS NUMBERS, women's magazines of the world? A theory: it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. The readers love the big numbers! And so the magazine editors fill the magazine with lots and lots of THINGS! But after awhile they have so many THINGS they can't count them all! And that's when they're just like, "570+." ELLE wants you to know they have more than five hundred seventy new things to buy in its March issue. Just in case you are autistic or something! Because otherwise, why the fuck would you care?! They didn't name the most boring book of the Bible "Numbers" for nothing, you know! (Okay, that could be a lie, like we have read the Bible. We can barely get through ELLE!) After the jump, Editorial Assistant Maria and I rewrite the cover lines of the March ELLE to more accurately reflect the qualitative — not just quantitative — truth about what's inside.More »
cover lies
Did Allure Plagiarize Creative "10-Minute Hair" Angle From Glamour?
Today the Wall Street Journal ran an interesting piece about how large companies like Johnson & Johnson love the magazine Allure because its editors give their products all this free advertising even though they already advertise, which in turn makes them so gracious they buy even more advertising. Um...we're glad this magazine is serving someone's purpose! Because shit has been dead boring ever since that story about that killer Brazilian hair-straightening technique. The March issue may just be the ne plus ultra of this trend, although we should probably make sure we know what "ne plus ultra" means before throwing that term around. Oh, who cares? We're back with Cover Lies, in which editorial assistant Maria-Mercedes Lara and I rewrite the cover lines of a major magazine to more accurately reflect the cruel radiance within. More »
cover lies
Vogue Cover Girl Drew Barrymore Has Been Powerfully Photoshopped
Oh Drew, Drew Drew. Who airbrushed this picture of you? Because it looks like they used the 1976 edition of Photohop. We can only assume the hatchet job is part of the fact that you're cool with the fact that you're skinny now (a size 4, if you were wondering, which you weren't) because, really, nothing's changed, because you're Drew! And you're madly in love, and sooooo happy now. And so perfect for an issue of Vogue that is all about POWER! (Power Up! Power Vows! Power Detox!) The fact that you are not only a wholly-inoffensive actress and makeup endorser but the PRODUCER of such monumental films as Never Been Kissed is an inspiration to us all! Sort of like the story of Vogue contributing editor Lauren Davis's marriage to a soft drink-heir in Colombia. (She wore a $200,000 Nina Ricci wedding dress!) But anyway, we're puking ahead of ourselves. After the jump, Jezebel's Maria-Mercedes and Intern Cheryl decode the coverlines to better reflect Vogue's real message. More »
cover lies
Glamour Changes Stance On How Long It Should Take To Fix Your Hair
We give lady mags a lot of crap for saying the same thing over and over over again again etc. ad infinity whatevs. So imagine how refreshing to see a marked change on the March Glamour cover! Last month, you see, they promised to show you ways to do your hair in three (3!!) minutes. This month they're like, actually scratch that, it's gonna take ten. Is this a step backwards because more time spent on appearance = less "empowerment"? Or is it a sign of progress, because they're no longer seeking to give readers unattainable goals they will never achieve? Women's magazines can never win! (Much like the women who read them!!) Yeah, it's hard to prey on insecurities and act all "affirming" at the same time. Still, there's no excuse for running a whole spread on fashion advice from Donatella Versace, or the uuuuuuuugly white wide-leg pants on page 321. Or some of these misleading cover lines! After the jump, Cheryl and Maria re-write the Naomi Watts Glamour cover to tell the TRUTH about what's inside. More »
cover lies
Did You Know Marie Claire's Motto Is "More Than A Pretty Face"? Hence: Jessica Alba!
Confession: writing cover lines is tough. This month there was plenty to love in Marie Claire, but like all magazines, it's what's on the outside that counts. How do you summarize a story about Russian sex classes wherein women hump stuffed animals in hopes of achieving the ability to shoot "fountains of water" from their vaginas? (Besides using the word "awesome" of course.) And it's hard to do justice to the pointlessness of "Could You Pull Off Runway Makeup," wherein an "intrepid beauty reporter" — and I think we can all agree that magazine editors who try overpriced beauty regimens for stories are always sooo "intrepid" — gets her face did by professional makeup artists! But you know, we did our best. After the jump, editorial assistant Maria and I rewrite the cover lines to reflect what's really inside.More »
cover lies
Ooooooh Mommy: Cosmo Said The "Jay-Jay" Word!
Yay! We are back with more Cover Lies! This month, Cosmo achieved the impossible. It made the slang term "Va-Jay-Jay" even more cringetacular! See, it's not okay to just emblazon the word "Vagina" really big on a magazine, because then all the blogs will write "Ha ha ha Cosmo said 'VADGE'" and set off a domino-effect of third grade humor. So we are glad Cosmo took the mature road by employing euphemisms like "lovely lady parts" and illustrating the vagina package — heh! — with photos of oranges and grapefruits and vinegar bottles ("Every chick has a different scent!") and E. coli under a microscope. Reading about my "V-zone" and what men think about when they masturbate (hint: sex) is like a trip down the self-hating, socially awkward, sexually misguided locker room years of early adolescence! Anyway, to that end, Cosmo's cover lines are great, but they do not do justice to the succulent fruit inside. Graphic design guru/Jezebel intern Cheryl Campbell and I update the cover lines, after the jump. More »
cover lies
Vogue: Ever Heard Of Kate Bosworth? How About Proenza Schouler?
Magazines! You know they're all just glossy insecurity factories trying to suck your brain matter out through your thighs, but sometimes their cover lines are soooooooo tempting. Too bad they're all a lie! In "Cover Lies," Jezebel assistant/intern Maria and Cheryl rewrite the newsstand's magazine covers to better reflect the stories within.
So, the absence of potential penis tricks and rapid weight-loss strategies makes mother Vogue 's cover lines kind of blah. Kind of like Kate Bosworth! Like... what do you say about Kate Bosworth? We tried so hard to think of something, and it all came back to: We're hungry just looking at her. And: does she menstruate? We ponder this and so much more after the jump. More »