Jezebel 
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New York, 10:24 AM
Sun Nov 22
23 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/18/09
11/18/09
Our favourites are:
-Highlight and bookmark key phrases and points of appeal, and use them to answer (or ask!) questions posed by your lecturer in class. Taking Anthropology? Quantum Physics? Political Science? Worried that these aren't appropriate environments for Going Rogue? Fret no more! The less relevant the course, the better! As the term progresses, try and work your way methodically through the book, and laugh as your liberal, tree-hugging, pinko, commie-loving, feminazi, high falutin' ivory tower lecturer suffers to contain his or her brainsplosion. Do this with the smug satisfaction of knowing that should you ever be held accountable for your actions by absolutely anyone, as long as you are reasonably attractive, there will always be a sympathetic camera waiting for you at FOX News. Trust us- it's just what the authoress (and her trusty ghost-writeress) would want you to do!
-The Season of Giving lies ahead: why not rip out various pages and painstakingly sellotape them together, to make nifty personalised wrapping paper for those uppity liberal friends of yours that are just so gosh-dang hard to buy for (bonus tip: they might think you're cray-cray, but if they don't call in bomb squad to check the parcel for explosives, they might just absorb your cunningly disguised subliminal message before Santa comes a-knocking on Christmas Eve!)
-Why not volunteer to read excerpts at your local rest home or kindergarten? After all, it's never too early (or late) to learn to hate- in fact, it's the all-American way!
-The large font and double spacing in this book means that it lends itself well to DIY wordfinders. Why not write a list of any old words, and give the pages to your younger brothers and sisters, and see if they can find 'em. Don't worry about whether or not they'll actually be in there- like the Infinite Monkey Theorem (that a monkey hitting keys on a typewriter at random for an infinite time period will eventually produce the letters from viewers that Bill O'Reilly reads out on his show), they'll eventually show up there. Try not to go for words like 'Jesus', or any of the Beatitudes, though- the monkeys (and the trusty ghost-writeress) have an infinite time to produce those words. Your brother and sister, however, only have an average lifespan of 80-ish years.
-Fer all you conspiracy nuts out there- why not try highlighting the first letter of each sentence in the book, following the Fibonacci sequence? Rumour has it that Sarah (and her trust ghost-writeress) included this encrypted message for her true 'fans,' and when decoded, reveals among other things, the real birth mother of Trip Palin, the real birthplace of 'Barack' Hussein Obama, just what Sarah did with all those clothes that the RNC paid for, what she really thinks of Harry Potter, and Sarah's favourite recipe for Wild Wolf Dumplings.
-When you're done with usin' up the pages, why not try hollowing out the centre to make a creative storage space for all your baby-killin' contraceptives (mum will never think to look in there!)?
-Once you have put the book to more creative uses, the dustjacket remains. Use this to slip over other books,* and read 'em in maximum exposure public locations, such as universities, schools, PTA meetings, parliament buildings, churches, and town hall meetings. Use it to provoke and initiate conversation and irritation, en mass! Just remember, as long as you are reasonably attractive, there will always be a sympathetic camera waiting for you at FOX News.
Well folks, that's all from us here this week- next week we'll be back with another reading from Glenn Beck's reworking of the Judy Blume classic, Blubber, easy instructions for the kiddies on how to make a fun diorama demonstrating how to disprove evolution in a series of illogical, ignorant steps, as well as another installment of Barack Obama Hates America, a fun and light-hearted look into the ways our country's democratically elected leader is Systematically Destroying White America And Everything We Hold Dear.
Until then, peace and plutonium!
xoxo
*we recommend Betty Friedan, or the Harry Potter series, however if you wish to step the outrage up a notch and use a bible, we recommend that you use the KJV, as the Catholic one has all those pesky books in the middle that make it hard to fit the dust jacket over, and as for the Torah or Qu'ran, well, the trusty ghost-writeress's next door neighbour Becky heard from her hairdresser, who heard from her sister in law, who once read a book by someone who grew up in New York, that them people read their books back-to-front. And this all-American dust jacket is just not formatted to accommodate for 'special interest' groups.
11/18/09
11/18/09
Naw. That would be wrong.
11/18/09
"Rogues Gallery"
You heard it here first!
11/18/09
11/18/09
11/18/09
11/18/09
11/18/09
I'm not going to a gay wedding any time soon, but if someone is - feel free to use that idea.
11/18/09
11/18/09
11/18/09
I just submitted my entry but forgot to include my screen name, but I DID attach my email account to my user account.
11/18/09
I hated to think of you plowing through that soul-deadening mess without some cake.
11/18/09
05/07/09
Makes sense to me.
05/06/09
05/06/09
05/06/09
05/06/09